Tag Archives: Kelly Urich
Starbeams: Earthquake Rolls Through Town, Takes Toll on Chiefs, Top 5 Local Disruptions
A 5.6-magnitude earthquake centered about 45 miles northeast of Oklahoma City was felt in Kansas City Saturday night at 10:53 p.m. The quake was very shallow at 3.1 miles deep. It did very little damage but it did leave a big hole in the Chiefs defensive line.
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TOP 5 DISRUPTIONS CAUSED BY THE EARTHQUAKE:
#5. My wife complained she wasn’t used to feeling the earth move in bed with me.
#4. Residents at local cemeteries were doing "the wave."
#3. Plaza Security briefly awakened from napping.
Starbeams: Time-Warner to the Rescue, Smoked Money & Hot Intern Fundraiser
Kansas residents are fed up with people crossing over the median and causing head-on collisions on K-10, so the state will finally install cable where crashes have occurred. The cable will be installed by Time Warner so it should be done by Tuesday between noon and four.
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Bank of America at College and Antioch closed Wednesday because of a small fire in the computer room that filled the bank with smoke. Now the bank is charging five dollars for the withdrawal of fresh-smoked money.
Starbeams: Chargers Out Suck Netflix, Dexter’s Oil Slick & KCPD at Arrowhead
The San Diego Chargers released an official statement about playing at Arrowhead. It said that thanks to the 76,000 fans, the Chargers had a worse fourth quarter than Netflix.
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Remember the BP oil spill in the Gulf? All the remaining oil has finally been contained in Dexter McCluster’s hair.
Starbeams: Twine Time, Medical Marijuana to the Rescue & China Top Kansas in Ripping Off Missouri
The National Endowment for the Arts has denied the state of Kansas any federal money to replace funds slashed by the state for arts programs earlier this year. We need that guy who made the giant ball of twine to cut off his ear in protest.
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Welcome to fall! The city of Lawrence reports six cases of the whooping cough. Patients are experiencing rapid, violent coughing, runny noses, congestion and sneezing. Strange side note…all six patients in Lawrence have requested medical marijuana.
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It’s colder than a hand shake with Todd Haley.
Starbeams: Outage at KCI, Hollywood Coming to Legends & Kemper Arena on Death Row
Terminal B at KCI was closed yesterday after it experienced a power outage. Lines went the entire length of a football field.
Or, if you’re a Raiders fan, you call that a PIPE DREAM.
The outage was caused by an air traffic controller who plugged in one too many margarita makers.
Passengers were unable to go through security scanners and the pilots were unable to go through the breathalyzer.
Airport traffic was so backed up crop dusters were forced to land at the downtown airport.
Starbeams: THE TOP 5 STADIUM NAMES THAT WOULD MAKE CHIEFS FANS PROUD
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The Chiefs are reportedly looking again to sell the naming rights to Arrowhead Stadium in an attempt to raise more money for the team.
As if $27 parking isn’t enough.
To that end…
THE TOP 5 STADIUM NAMES THAT WOULD MAKE CHIEFS FANS PROUD:
#5. Amos Family Funeral Home Stadium.
#4. Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center Stadium.
Starbeams: Adios Skies, Peppercorn Duck & Hello Hasselhoff
In one of the biggest KC restaurant scene shake-ups ever, three longtime restaurants near Crown Center will close by year’s end. Benton’s Steakhouse, The Peppercorn Duck Club, and Skies will close when the Hyatt Regency Crown Center becomes a Sheraton. Skies will become a preferred customer lounge. It’s the city’s only revolving restaurant. Maybe it would have fared better if as the restaurant revolved, it went faster and faster and the floor dropped.
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A small plane with one person aboard made a belly landing Wednesday at Wheeler Downtown Airport. The pilot was unable to lower the landing gear, and rescue personnel were waiting and he walked away unharmed.
Even so, it was still more dramatic than the season finale of LOST.
Starbeams: The Top 5 Demands of the Occupy KC Movement
Today is the 25th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests. And local members of the Occupy KC movement are still at Penn Valley Park.
THE TOP FIVE DEMANDS OF THE OCCUPY KC MOVEMENT:
#5. Allow all KC’s homeless stay at the Helzberg Mansion.
#4. The secret recipe for Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ sauce.
#3. When an ATM machine says "temporarily out of order" everyone in the metro gets $5.
#2. Proof that an alien baby isn’t growing inside KMBC 9 Meteorologist Erin Little.
And the No. 1 demand of Occupy KC is….
Starbeams: KC ‘Occupy’ Rally, Jimmie Johnson Hits 435, NASCAR Bucks & Chiefs Channel Kardashian
About 300 people gathered Sunday in Penn Valley Park across from the Federal Reserve Bank to mark the 10th day of the “Occupy” movement spawned by Wall Street protesters. It was led by UMKC professors, liberals, libertarians and Ron Paul supporters. They sported signs with messages like, ““We are the other 99 percent."
Some Kansas City Public School students were also there trying to determine what 99 percent means.
Starbeams: THE TOP 5 FEATURES OF THE NEW SPRINT iPHONE
Overland Park-based Sprint is said to have agreed to pay $20 billion to buy 30.5 million iPhones from Apple over the next four years according to The Wall Street Journal. Sprint is betting the farm on this and will be the only carrier offering a truly unlimited data plan.
THE TOP 5 FEATURES OF THE NEW SPRINT iPHONE:
#5. The Angry Birds app comes pre-loaded with West Nile Virus.
#4. The Sprint iCloud that stores your documents is actually a tornado.
#3. Automatically blocks robo calls from the Kansas City Star.
Starbeams: Top 5 Reasons KC’s a Great Place to Retire, Cain Rules, Christie Too Liberal
Kansas City is the 9th-best U.S. metropolitan area to retire in, according to a ranking conducted by Sperling’s Best Places.
Top 5 Reasons Kansas City Is A Great Place To Retire:
#5. If you fall and break your hip in Westport, you’re just another patron.
#4. You can usually find a comfortable mattress on the side of the highway.
#3. The entire city drives 20 miles per hour in the passing lane.
#2. The highlight of everyone’s day is taking a nap.
#1. You have no risk of heart attacks from attending exciting playoff games.
Starbeams: Michael Jackson’s Security Head, Royals Trip on Road Trip & Bubba Starling & Brew
During the manslaughter trial of Dr. Conrad Murray, we learned a very sad fact: Michael Jackson’s eldest children, Prince and Paris, saw their father die. Michael’s head of security, Faheem Muhammad, testified Prince and Paris watched as Murray desperately tried to resuscitate their father. Once again, our top story, a guy in charge of security in America was named FAHEEM.
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The Royals played their last game losing 1-0 to Minnesota. The team finished the year at 71-91. We haven’t been anywhere near the playoffs since 1985. The Royals just announced the entire team has been using a performance enhancing drug. It’s called ACID.
Starbeams: Chiefs Bloopers, Plaza Art Fair Mob & Where Not To Recycle Your Christmas Tree
They finally figured out where that space junk fell over the weekend. It crashed right in the middle of the Chiefs‘ playoff hopes. In fact, the only people sill cheering for the Chiefs are the people who made Marv Albert‘s blooper reel.
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We may have wrapped up the most successful Plaza Art Fair ever. Record crowds descended on the Plaza for "art," food, drinking and music. I was there Friday night and there were so many people, there wasn’t room for me to organize a flash mob on Facebook with my homies.
Starbeams: Top 5 Reasons Losing Accereditation Is No Big Thang
THE TOP 5 REASONS LOSING ACCREDITATION IS NO BIG THANG:
#5. A worthless degree works just fine in a worthless economy.
#4. Nobody wants to grow up to be a teacher anymore. Everyone wants to grow up to be Detroit Schools Superintendent.
#3. None of this really matters because, if you’re like me, you eventually spend most of your time in TRAFFIC school.
#2. Who needs a degree when we’ll all be working in factories making things for the Chinese soon?
And the No. 1 reason losing accreditation is no big deal….
Starbeams: Breaking Smashing, Where’s Whitney? & Thinking Outside The Bun
A group of eight children were arrested for breaking into Weeks Elementary in Kansas City and vandalizing school computers to the tune of more than $25,000 in damages. When I went to Devry, we used to get arrested for breaking into the school to do maintenance on the computers.
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Sweet Springs kindergarten students were asked to bring important family items to show and tell. One kindergartner brought his mother’s crack pipe and an ounce of drugs. His mom is now in prison. I wasn’t aware that Whitney Houston lived in Sweet Springs?
Starbeams: Kauffman Center Boasts of ‘Plaza Lights” Crowd, Chiefs Lose to Infomercial & No Cheese!
An estimated 50,000 people took the first public tour of the Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts Sunday. Sounds like they hired the same folks who used to put out the Plaza lights crowd count. I was there with the family but discovered the line to get in was 4 blocks long.
Most of the people I met thought they were in the unemployment line.
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Chiefs running back Jamaal Charles had a season-ending injury yesterday as the team fell apart losing 48-3 to Detroit. Even worse, the TV ratings are out and the Chiefs game came in behind an infomercial aired by Channel 9.
Starbeams: New Federal Reserve Board Queen & Top 10 Reasons Bikers Won’t Miss Sedalia
For the first time in its 97 year history, a woman will lead the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City. Esther George is from Faucett, Missouri, just north of the metro. With a woman’s in charge of such a powerful bank, there’s bound to be a SUBSTANTIAL PENALTY FOR EARLY WITHDRAWAL. I tried going through theReserve bank drive-thru to get a sucker recently, but all I got was a black helicopter and and a lot of questions from the FBI.
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Yesterday we learned AMC Theatres is moving its headquarters from downtown KC to South Leawood. Also, the 28th annual BIKE MS Ride is moving from Missouri to Kansas. We used to ride from Ray-Pec to Sedalia. Saturday, we ride from Garmin in Olathe to Lawrence.
To wit…
The TOP 10 THINGS WE WON’T MISS ABOUT RIDING TO SEDALIA:
Starbeams: AMC Leaves KC & Top 5 Things You Didn’t Know About New Kauffman PAC
AMC Theatres is moving its headquarters from downtown Kansas City to 119th street in Leawood. That means another 400 jobs will be leaving Missouri for Kansas. Which proves my theory that suits who drive fancy cars HATE having to have license plates on the front.
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The U.S. poverty rate is at 15% for the first time since 1993. Meaning that one in five Americans are struggling to pay for the two cell phones they carry in their pocket.
Starbeams: Big 12 to Big 5, Zeppelin Madness & IBM’s ‘Watson’ Claims More Jobs
The Kansas City Chamber of Commerce‘s "Big 5" campaign was unveiled this week as a map for Kansas City in the future. Unfortunately, the "Big 5" is also being touted as the map for the future of what’s left of the "Big 12."
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Farmers Insurance has flown in the world’s largest Zeppelin balloon. So now we have another way for some psychotic Kansas City resident to screw things up at an airport.
Starbeams: Under Arrest for Pol Threatening, Pot Smoking, Car Jacking & Cop Bashing
A Kansas man was arrested at Honolulu airport over threats to Vice President Joe Biden. Justin Alan Woodward was arrested Friday when he arrived in Honolulu on a Delta Airlines flight. Ironically, Woodward now leads President Obama by 7 points in the latest poll.
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Missouri Governor Jay Nixon‘s son, Wilson Nixon, has been charged with possession of marijuana. Wilson is 21. He says he is just practicing up in case his dad ever runs for Mayor of Kansas City.
