Tag Archives: Kelly Urich
Starbeams: Anderson Cooper Comes Out, Tom & Katie Split, Michigan DUIs, Joco Sex
CNN’s Anderson Cooper finally admitted….he really is Ellen DeGeneres.
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It was sad to hear about Katie and Tom but will their daughter Suri keep her job as the voice that screws up my iPhone?
Starbeams: Janet Jackson Super Stunt, George Toma, Microsoft @ Oak Park & Bruce Chen
A federal judge finally threw out the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction case. Thanks for the timely response, replied no one who worked for CBS after 2004.
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Former groundskeeper George Toma will become the 25th member of the Royals Hall of Fame at a ceremony planned for August 31st at the K. Unfortunately, George had the team’s highest On Base Percentage from 1986-1995.
Starbeams: It Was So Hot in Kansas City Yesterday That…
It was so hot….
******* The All-Star Game has been moved to the Crown Center Ice Terrace.
******* I saw Larry Moore in a tank top.
******* The Humane Society is upset because I left my dog inside the HOUSE.
Starbeams: Turtle Sex, Snakes on a Plain, Fat Cops in Mission & Getting ‘Faced’
Scientists found a fossil of two turtles having sex that’s 47 million years old. Completely related, I once made out in a Shell station.
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Residents of Crimson Ridge development in western Shawnee were shocked to learn the park that backs up to their property will become home to imported snakes as part of a conservation area. The good news; people jogging through the park will easily surpass their target pulse rate.
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The nation of Pakistan is cracking down on obese policemen. Or as we call them here in Mission, policemen.
Starbeams: Cordish Plan Down the Sewer, DMV Days, New Math & Chocolate Love
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The Cordish Co. is planning a $70 million downtown project with a 23-story tower as the centerpiece. They also want a 25 year tax break. Thankfully, our $3.6 billion crumbling sewage problem is well-funded, so the timing’s perfect.
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Summer is officially here. June 21 is the longest day of the year….unless you’re at a Kansas DMV. Then it’s even longer.
Starbeams: Retro Radio ‘Release’ Week, McCartney Does Bieber & Boulevard’s ‘Love Child’
New albums have been released this week from Neneh Cherry, Richard Marx, Smashing Pumpkins, Fiona Apple, Jimmy Buffett and Lita Ford. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to crank up ZZ99!
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Paul McCartney turned 70 this week. He is the only 70 year-old I know who can pull off the Justin Bieber hairdo.
Starbeams: The Top 5 Ways to Spot a Kansas City Terrorist
Federal officials have arrested a Kansas City businessman for allegedly being part of an al-Qaida terror cell.
Top 5 Ways to Spot a Kansas City Terrorist:
#5. He gripes about having to drive 45 minutes north of town just so he can fly an airplane into a building.
#4. Drives around town all day looking for something worthy of blowing up.
#3. Lives in a cave called Hunt Subtropolis.
Starbeams: KCI, Why? Rockville’s Horses, Madonna Goes Senile & Royals Wave Brewers
A plan to replace Terminal A at KCI with one giant and modernized terminal has been presented to city officials. Terminals B and C could be turned into office space. Still no word on when they plan to build a terminal near where people live.
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The city of Rockville, Missouri is embracing the prospect of a horse slaughtering plant being located in their town. One hundred and fifty people packed a city council meeting this week to voice their support for the idea. You might say they’re sticking together like glue.
Starbeams: Prometheus Syndrome, China Syndrome, Crown Center Ban & Joco Hooters
A kid had a seizure during a gory scene in the movie "Prometheus". I had mine when I paid $12 for a combo.
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Apple debuted the MacBook Pro, which has a retina display. If you stick your eye to the screen you can see a starving underage Chinese factory worker.
Starbeams: Kardashian’s Lambo, Missie B’s ‘Flame Challenge’ & Death by ‘Silent Meditation’
More than half of Americans 65 and older now use the Internet. And most of them also believe me when I tell them I need $ to get out of a Mexican prison.
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Kim Kardashian just bought Kanye West a $750,000 Lamborghini. I just saved 15% on my car insurance. You tell me who’s winning?
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A quantum physicist from Truman High won the World Flame Challenge. I won the same honor at Missie B’s in the ’90s. Is this a public forum?
Starbeams: Mayan Calendar & Dow, NYC Legal Pot, Money vs. Happiness, Royals & Mila
The Dow jumped 286 points Wednesday. Then again, my Mayan calendar predicted this would happen.
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New York City may decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. But don’t even think about a 16 oz Coca Cola!?
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Pippa Middleton will release her first book in October. Every magazine article I read about her turns into a pop-up!
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A survey finds it takes an income of at least $50-to-60,000 a year to be happy. Looks like I need to make more meth.
Starbeams: Kansas City Garners Yet Another ‘Fat’ Award & End of the World
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How did Kansas City rank among the Worst Dressed Cities in the U.S? Travel and Leisure magazine just named us the WORST-DRESSED people in the U.S.
#1.) Anchorage, Alaska
#2.) Salt Lake City, Utah
#3.) Baltimore, Maryland
#4.) Orlando, Florida
#5.) San Antonio, Texas
#6.) Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas
#7.) Atlanta, Georgia
#8.) Portland, Maine
#9.) Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona
#10.) Kansas City, Missouri
We only made the top ten because they don’t make stylish clothing in our size.
Starbeams: George Brett Tweets for Lost Do, Kim Kardashian as Minnie Mouse
George Brett turned to Twitter to help find his lost dog Wednesday morning. And 10,000 Twitter followers were frantically searching for a dog that refused to sign autographs.
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A raccoon was stranded for hours atop a tall pole in the Northland Tuesday. A maintenance worker
was able to knock the raccoon from the top and its nasty fall to the ground was caught on video.
Residents believe the pole-sitting raccoon is not sick, but it’s not wellllllll.
Starbeams: KCPD Radar Love, Obama Does Joplin, Chinese Take Over AMC & Dilly
A 24 year-old Kansas City man has been arrested for allegedly pointing a laser at a KCPD helicopter. Apparently, he became upset when they wouldn’t tell him the location of the rebel base.
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President Obama spoke to graduating students in Joplin Monday night. Several residents of Jasper county said it was the first time they had met someone from Kenya.
Starbeams: With AMC You Get Egg Rolls, Facebook Founder Pokes & Battleship Missouri to Rescue
Long-time Kansas City owned AMC Theaters has been bought by a Chinese company, but the chain will remain based in Leawood. Former CEO and creator of the megaplex, Stan Durwood, is undoubtedly egg-rolling in his grave.
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Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg updated his status to "married" on Saturday to Priscilla Chan, a California med student. It was the first time since my wedding in 1999 where the vows included the word "poke."
Starbeams: Gentlemen, Start Your Pinholes, White Flight & Birth of an Egg
Our first solar eclipse this year is late Sunday afternoon. It’s also one of the few times I can look at something through a pinhole in public without getting arrested!
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Minorities have now surpassed whites in U.S. births. Does this mean Johnson County residents will call the police if they see me in the neighborhood?
Starbeams: So Spray Me, Dodge City Showdown & Snakebit @ Walmart
Spray-on seed has been has been added to the grounds at Liberty Memorial as part of a $3.6 million restoration. This is nothing new as several dudes at the memorial over the years have asked me if I would like some of their spray-on seed.
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Dodge City street gang members have been charged recently with alleged racketeering and murder. The term ‘Dodge City Street Gang’ was immediately trademarked by the History Channel.
Starbeams: The Top Five Signs You’re at a Chinese (AMC) Movie Theater
Kansas City based AMC Theatres may be sold to a Chinese company. AMC recently broke ground on its new headquarters at 117th and Nall. However, if they’re going to be based in China, they’ll need to keep digging for some time.
THE TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU’RE AT A CHINESE BASED MOVIE THEATER:
#5. Romantic comedies involve someone getting kicked.
#4. You can save the popcorn bowl for a hair cut.
#3. Instead of popcorn, you get itty bitty ears of corn.
Starbeams: Tornado Decorating, Socialism, Univsion, Al Queda & Angry Birds
Tornados were spotted in Olathe and Raymore Sunday. Both tornados did over $30 worth of improvements.
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An 18 year old Blue Valley senior is building a hydrogen fuel cell that may eventually allow you to power your car with water. When I was 18 I successfully used water….to remove stains from the back seat of my car.
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France just elected its first Socialist president in 20 years. Some say it’s a giant step backward. I say, they’re just following our lead!
Starbeams: Dial ‘M’ for Murder in KC, NYC Cattle Call & Kissing Royals
New signs along Main Street in midtown feature the letter "M" inside a red circle. The signs are symbolic because the red stands for blood and the "M" stands for murder.
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One World Trade Center officially became the tallest building on the New York skyline this week. A 408 ft. needle will eventually be placed on the roof, but New York still won’t be cool until they get a giant cow statue overlooking Manhattan.
