Tag Archives: Kelly Urich
STARBEAMS: Pujols Asks $300mm to Join KC Royals; Cell Phones Keep You Awake at the Wheel
Talks are circulating about Albert Pujols coming home to the Kansas City Royals. There was an article in St. Louis Post Dispatch and in Star about the possibility. Owner David Glass says Pujol’s $300 million asking price is too steep for the Royals.
.jpg)
TOP 5 WAYS THE ROYALS COULD SIGN ALBERT PUJOLS
#5. Have most of the $300 million financed by Jackson County tax payers
#4. Pujol brings his own rolling roof
#3. As a tribute to Gil Meche, he wears number 300 on his jersey
#2. Have his health care plan include generic drugs at Walmart.
#1. Between innings he sells Lemonade, Lemonade, Lemonade BEEEOOOWW!
STARBEAMS: Boulevard Chocolate Ale leads to Getting Busch??
The hot and hard-to-find item for Valentine’s Day this year was Boulevard Chocolate Ale.
TOP 5 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT CHOCOLATE ALE
#5. It makes you drunk dial someone in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
#4. Your belch smells like a Russell Stover store.
#3. Hosni Mubarak agreed to step down if he got a free case.
#2. If worn as cologne, you can completely skip the foreplay.
and #1. It’s made by Boulevard but somehow leads to getting Busch!
STARBEAMS: Capital Grille & Seat Belts; Twitter for Sale and Sheen Fans
A new survey found that many Kansas City Police officers don’t wear their seat belts because all the garb in their cars gets in the way of the buckle and their holsters.
Some of the commanders have trouble buckling because it gets in the way of their Capital Grille carry-out.
STARBEAMS: Crown Center Aquatics; Capital Grille Bill; World of Wheels and Katy Perry Marraige Woes
Crown Center will be home to a giant aquarium next year. Sharks, sea horses, sting rays, salt water and fresh water fish. Sea Life Kansas City. It’s a $15 million 100,000 square ft. display set to open in 2012.
It will be the second most popular water attraction downtown, second only to WATER MAIN BREAKS.
Three Kansas City police commanders dined with a lobbyist twice in November and December and racked up $1,110 in expenses at the Capital Grille on the Plaza.
One of the commanders said he had a book on police etiquette for dining with lobbyists but it was stolen.
*********
World of Wheels runs this weekend at Bartle Hall. Hundreds of hot rods and vintage race cars will be on display. I don’t know why they always schedule this on the same weekend as the Buckner Hubcap Festival.
STARBEAMS: Super Bowl Anthem and Ball Park Lyrics Revisited
TOP 5 LINES CHRISTINA ALMOST SANG IN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM:
#5. What so proudly we watched at the Twilight special screening…
#4. If you beat up someone in a hotel we call that Charlie Sheening…
#3. Ben Roethlisberger is staring at my ass and dreaming…
#2. I’m a Jeannie in a bottle, you’ve gotta rub me the right way…
#1. I wonder if Aaron Rodgers would be my Packer?
When I sang Take Me Out to the Ball Game at Kauffman Stadium, I almost said,
"Buy me some peanuts and SEVEN DOLLAR BEER"
Super Bowl ads really work! I just bought a VW, installed Bridgestone tires & filled it with Doritos.
I’m still looking for a friendly beaver….
STARBEAMS: Yogurt Squirt in New Mexico and Stunning Revelation About A.M. Sex
A woman in New Mexico tried a sample of yogurt at a grocery store and thought it tasted like sperm. The police tested it and now they’ve confirmed that yes, indeed, it was that special sauce.
They suspect a yogurt worker did it. The good news? I can now write YOGURT WORKER on my résumé!
She should have been suspicious when, instead of labeled Dannon, the carton was labeled DAN.
On another note …
New research indicates that couples who have sex every morning are healthier and happier.
If you want to read more on this stunning news story, just google the word, "duh."
STARBEAMS: Bye Bye Kansas Arts; Hello School Lunch Fatties; Sprint Breathes Blaine Magic into its Echo
Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed an executive order to shut down the Kansas Arts Commission that will save the state $600,000 a year.
Most of that money was spent on glue for paper plates and noodles.
A study out of Michigan shows kids who regularly have school lunch are 29 percent more likely to be obese than kids who brought lunch from home.
I don’t know about you but Tater Tot Day was the only thing that made me want to go to school.
The good news is most Missouri kids keep the weight off after they take up smoking.
Starbeams: It’s Tuff Work If You Can Get It, Sprint Magic Trick & Oil Spill Windfall
The Chiefs have promoted offensive line coach Bill Muir. Rumor has it no one else would take the job under Todd Haley because he is impossible to work for. Same reason I write for Hearne Christopher.
************
Overland Park based Sprint has hired magician David Blaine for a publicity stunt but nobody seems to know what the magic trick will be. Let’s hope he can magically erase the Bill Esrey and Gary Foresee eras.
Starbeams: The Usual Suspects, Fox News, Bryan Busby, Erin Andrews & Betty White
Fox has rejected a Super Bowl ad from a group called Jesus Hates Obama. However, Fox News has given the group a one-hour show.
************
KMBC 9’s Bryan Busby has been named TV meteorologist of the year by the AMS. I’m still hoping to be ex-employee of the month at KCCONFIDENTIAL!
Starbeams:Top 5 signs it’s really cold; KC economy and looming football strike totally suck
TOP 5 SIGNS IT’S REALLY COLD IN KANSAS CITY:
#5. Considering traveling to Egypt to warm up over a burning car…
#4. A bum on the Plaza asked for a quarter for a downpayment on an Amish Furnace…
#3. Can hardly wait for the 26th consecutive rebuilding season for the Royals…
#2. The Hare Krishnas on the Plaza are singing Ice Ice Baby…
#1. Nikita has applied for a gig at the Miami Zoo
************
I’m trying to figure a way to get the Westboro Baptist Church to join the protests in Egypt.
STARBEAMS: Solar Hibernation; Super Bowl and Stalking Erin Andrews
One NASA scientist thinks we’re hitting a period of solar hibernation. We’re getting less solar radiation from the sun and that could cool the planet for 30 years
I’ll believe it when I see Mexico putting up a fence to keep out the Americans.
If the storm brought nothing else, I now have a lifetime supply of Boulevard Beer and Girl Scout cookies in the basement.
STARBEAMS: Snow Storm Nomenclature … Notoriously Big!
.jpg)
We had a contest to name this winter storm on Gen X Radio 99.7.
Your submissions:
Snowmegeddon
Blizzard of Oz
Snow-Me-State
Snowtorious B.I.G.
Of course, the storm was predicted by Snowstradamus. The winner was Snowtorious B.I.G.
The term trended number one on KC Twitter and was mentioned Tuesday morning on the Weather Channel by Stephanie Abrams.
Starbeams: QE2 Docks in OP, Cattle on Drugs & the IRS Slave Labor Blues
The Overland Park Boat Show is this weekend at the Convention Center. This is where Overland Park people show how good they are at navigating through giant bail-outs.
*******
More and more moms are concerned with the level of drugs being found in cattle. They’re worried it could be contaminating the nation’s milk supply and now the FDA is investigating.
The FDA became concerned when a dozen cows qualified for this year’s Tour de France.
Starbeams: Breast Enlargements R US, JC Penney Outlet Blues & Madonna’s Cougar World
.jpg)
American breasts keep getting bigger. The average bra size in the U.S. is now a 36 DOUBLE D. That’s up from a 36 C just 10 years ago. Once again, our top story…there is no bad news.
************
The JC Penney Outlet Store near 75th and I-35 will close at the end of this year. The store has been open since 1977. Before the Legends was built, the outlet store was the biggest tourist attraction in the state of Kansas.
STARBEAMS: Little Piggies; Princess Di Exhibition at Union Station; Happiest Countries in the World and Octomom Celibacy
.jpg)
A truck carrying hundreds of pigs flipped over on a highway ramp Monday morning, causing the pigs to run wild on the highway. The ramp from Interstate 435 north to Interstate 35 north was closed due to the crash. Roughly 720 pigs were inside the truck. Police said about 50 of them got loose.
One little piggy went to market. One little piggy stayed home.
Police were able to pull most of the pigs off the highway and back to safety.
Talk about your PULLED PORK.
he pigs began running frantically once they realized they were in the BBQ capital of the world!
Where does an escaped pig try to hide near the plaza? LOOSE PORK!
STARBEAMS: Betty White turns 89; Rep Gifford moves to Houston brain trauma center
.jpg)
I understand she opted for the pat down instead of the body scan so that’s definitely a good sign.
Betty White celebrated her 89th birthday at Hallmark on Thursday.
She says the last time she was in Kansas City she came to trade fur.
Great news as Representative Giffords left the hospital Friday morning and taken to a Tucson airport for a flight to Houston arriving at a hospital that specializes in brain trauma.
STARBEAMS: Prego Dolls, Chinese Toys, New Ford, Record Snowfall and Betty White
.jpg)
There’s a new "pregnancy doll" out that comes with a baby, placenta and cord.
Throw in a camera and call it the Johnson County Community College Barbie!
China has agreed to buy $45 billion in U.S. exports in a policy change celebrated at the White House.
It’s about time we started putting lead into some of their toys.
Starbeams: Oh Great, Here Come the Royals, Gates & MLK Funeral Protest.
There was so much mourning over Martin Luther King Jr. yesterday members of the Westboro Baptist Church were bummed they weren’t around to protest his funeral. .
I believe the dream for racial equality has finally been reached. The other day I saw a white guy working in the kitchen at Gates BBQ.
I know it seems early but Royals Fan Fest is this Friday and Saturday….
STARBEAMS: Kit Bond Bridge musings; chicken condoms and KC zoo thermography
Am I the only person who drives across the Kit Bond bridge and wonders, "How in the world can you turn this into a giant harp?
Scientists say they’ve developed a chicken that won’t spread disease.
Basically, it’s a regular chicken, but it wears a condom on its pecker.
Starbeams: Placentabook, Klinger & Britney – Oh My!
The nursing student who posed with a photo of a human placenta on FACEBOOK has been allowed to finish her degree. Doyle Byrnes, who’s graduating in May at JCCC is thrilled with the ruling from a federal judge. It still it was in poor taste. I only post photos of human placentas on PLACENTABOOK.
Jamie Farr, better known as KLINGER, is back at the New Theater Restaurant January 19th. Why don’t they go ahead and change the place to the FORMER M*A*S*H STAR THEATER?
