KC Confidential

Fall is the best. The weather is less greasy, the air grows crisp, the leaves grow orange and crisp, and everyone everywhere is rubbing pumpkin and chili all over their bodies. Plus football, and then also baseball playoffs.

But it’s not all about apple cider enemas and sweaters embroidered with goblins. It also marks the reemergence of television, bursting forth from its summer hibernation like some sort of plump Autumnal baby. “Look at me!” television wails. “I am new again, just for you!”

Why, in the next two weeks, there are plenty of new television babies begging to be watched, tickled, burped and swaddled. Which ones should we take care of and which ones should we “throw out with bathwater,” so to speak? Let’s see.

The Walking Dead Season Six premieres October 11^th on AMC

It’s an institution at this point, a cultural wrecking ball about the perils of living in a post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland. You know, how much it sucks to have your brains and guts eaten by the undead, how much it sucks to watch it happen to your friends and family, etc.

When last we left The Rick Grimes Gang, Rick himself was beating and then killing a man who was threatening the fabric of their idyllic new town by being a drunk, abusive jerk. Everyone was all, “WHOA” and then the black guy from earlier in the series showed up and he looked like, “welp, looks like Rick is crazy now or something.”

WHERE WILL WE GO FROM HERE, FRIENDS? Who knows, but it’ll probably be at least mildly entertaining and suspenseful. (Here’s where I mention that if you’re missing Fear the Walking Dead, damn, stop that shit right now and watch it.)

American Horror Story Season 5 premieres October 7^th on FX

I don’t know why I keep watching this show, honestly. There are like, three moderately creepy moments in any given season, and by the 4^th episode, everything is convoluted and nothing makes sense. There are usually as many plot holes as plot points, and then suddenly everyone starts singing a show-tune and I vow that “THIS IS THE LAST SEASON I’M WATCHING.” But then the next season comes on, and I think, “well, this one is at a hotel. Hotels can be pretty creepy! I’M IN.” And then I’ll end up punching myself in the dick for three months because nothing makes sense and I could be doing ACTUAL things with that hour a week, like learning to crochet or volunteering to help the elderly, or taking my kid to the doctor to find out why she drags her leg like Jason Friday the Thirteenth when she walks.

Oh, and this season has Lady Gaga, so I don’t know, man.

Godspeed to all of us who choose to watch.

The Enfield Haunting October 9^th on A&E

THIS LOOK CREEPY AF, SON. Based off of a “true” story about the “most documented poltergeist haunting ever,” The Enfield Haunting is a three-part series that takes place “1977” in “London, England.” (OK, the last two things probably didn’t need parenthesis. It definitely takes place in London in the late seventies… I just always question the validity of any supposed “true” haunting.)

Anyway, I don’t care if this actually happened or whatever. The trailer makes it look pretty dope. I’m actually excited about this.

Fargo season 2 premieres October 12^th on FX

I’m also super excited about this. If you didn’t watch the first season, you truly missed a gem. (Maybe someday they’ll release the series on VHS or something and you can check it out from the library, I don’t know.) Named after the classic Coen brothers film, but really only sharing the name, ambiance and locations, Fargo was the best thing on television last season. And now it’s back, but with a new cast, and an entirely new storyline. (Like American Horror Story, but waaaaaaay better, I guarantee.) Ted Danson is in this season! And it’s in the 70s!! And the accents will be great!!!

Saturday Night Live season 41 premieres (or premiered, I suppose) October 3^rd

You don’t need to watch this. Nobody needs to watch this. I know, I know—“SNL AIN’T BEEN GOOD SINCE CHARLES ROCKET LEFT!” but that’s horseshit. Here’s the deal: SNL has had bad periods SINCE IT BEGAN. We all just choose to forget how much crap surrounded the clips we remember. They’ll have whole waves of irrelevance, mostly due to lackluster casts and uninspired writers. I feel like this is one of those periods. But give it a couple of seasons and it’ll be fine again.

The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story premieres (again, premiered) on Lifetime, October 3^rd

If you haven’t watched any of the Lifetime unauthorized biographies about __________ (Saved by the Bell, Full House and Drew Peterson are among some of their most brilliant original offerings), your life is depressingly incomplete. They are terrible, ridiculous, likely inaccurate and aggressively awful, and they are one of the better things you can watch after having a few (or several) drinks. (Holy fuck, I just watched most of this and it’s everything I thought it would be and more. Am I horrified that DAN CASTELLANETA played Aaron Spelling? Yes I am. Am I surprised? I guess not.)