KC Confidential

Younger people are fed up with Baby Boomers…

Can you blame them? Boomers are spoiled, always want their way and think the world owes them. Doubters need look no further than the mirror.

Take it from one of Baby Boomdom‘s most celebrated, underground pop culture icons, Bob Lefsetz…

Two years ago the Huffington Post described the 58 year-old Lefsetz as "the most influential man you’ve never heard of," further describing him as "a reclusive, sardonic writer who has the ear of every exec in the (music) industry."

One national blogger went as far as to suggest` Lefsetz was so cranky he might be auditioning for deceased 60 Minutes crankpot Andy Rooney‘s job.

I offer up Lefsetz as proof that Boomers are a pain in the butt, as anyone under the age of 40 (47 technically) generally knows.

I’ll contrast Boomers with the cutting edge, young computer geeks I met in Joplin this weekend in a minute. Meanwhile, back to Lefsetz…

Lefsetz’ recent newsletter about attending a Bruce Springsteen show explores one of Baby Boomer’s favorite philosophies, Narcissism.

"What kind of crazy fucked up world do we live in where the highlight of a Bruce Springsteen show is not only a new song, but one that features rapping?" Lefsetz begins. "We don’t go to the Springsteen show to look forward, but back. To when we were thin, our skin was smooth and our hopes and dreams exceeded our losses, when we still had our optimism."

Please, read on.

"But decades have taken their toll," Lefsetz says. "It’s not that we don’t smile, it’s just that it didn’t work out how we planned. So we go to the Springsteen show to remember, who we were, when music was the most powerful medium, when we felt we could change the world.

"Unlike MTV, the Boss blinked. He wanted to reinvent himself, test boundaries, but the audience wouldn’t let him. MTV is all about going forward, baby boomers are about a preservation of the past. You don’t want to mess with their memories. You need to record albums, you need to play the hits, you’ve got to look thin and better than they do. Because if you got old, that means they did too. And that’s their worst nightmare. You’re their last, best hope."

Boomers are all about themselves and to anyone wants to get on their good side, I’ve got two words: Kiss up.

"Billy Joel‘s got it right," Lefsetz adds. "No one wants to hear the new material. Elton knows this too. They don’t live in fantasy land. But the Boss must. Because if he’s not the icon his fans expect, they’ll collapse, like humans deprived of oxygen on the moon.

"There’s white hair, creaky bodies. Looking for another hit of adrenaline, in a world that cares not a whit about Bruce Springsteen or them. The future has passed them by. Rock and roll does not rule the airwaves, people listen to singles, not albums. And musicians whore themselves out to corporations.

"But this is not the way it used to be. When the dinosaurs known as rock stars used to walk the earth. When politicians couldn’t hold a candle to musicians, never mind bankers. When the best way to communicate with each other was via a vinyl record spun at a radio station broadcasting its FM signal in a fifty mile radius.

"Those days are through."

Through indeed.

Which brings us to my experiences this past weekend in the wilds of Joplin. That’s where I watched nine teams of aspiring, young computer geniuses ranging in age mostly from mere teenagers to men and women in their low 30s.

They were there to compete in something called a "Hackathon."

The object being, to help rescue the tornado-ravaged city from itself. More specifically, from a dated online presence that currently adds up to nine separate Web sites, when all the city really needs is one.

A single Web site that will allow JoMos to one-stop shop for all their worldly government needs and aspirations. To find out fast what to do before, during and after the next awful thing to befall the city and to register to get text and phone call warnings for the same.

To get fast, easy answers to every imaginable question ranging from when the next chili supper is going down to why there’s a tree blocking their cul-de-sac or a sinkhole behind Instant Karma Gourmet Hotdogs (just kidding). A place they can get the local weather as well as find out about the "whethers" involved in city government, police, fire – you name it.

A site the citizens of Joplin can interact with and that allows city officials to interact back and get important news out in a tiny fraction of the time it took them one year ago, for example, when the twister hit.

Something stylish and hip, functional and fun. Something worth upwards of $1 million that may well set the bar for cities of Joplin’s size and larger. And one that it’s getting free of charge courtesy government Web site builder CivicPlus and the efforts of college students from Baker University, Southwest Baptist University and the University of Missouri.

And something without a Baby Boomer fingerprint to be found.

They’ve got a new mayor and a new lease on life…

As Joplin preps for the onslaught of its one-year tornado anniversary, the untold tale is that the disaster has transformed the battered midwestern burg into something of a boom town.

If you weren’t hit or killed by the tornado (or left town), there’s a good chance you’re better off now than you would have been had the tornado not struck.

The reason for the financial uptick?

"We’ve had over 125,000 registered volunteers and that’s not even counting the unregistered ones," says new mayor Melodee Colbert-Kean. "And it’s helping out everybody. Our sales tax for the city is up. The stores are doing good. The hotels are doing good. The restaurants are doing good."

In other words, a disaster boomlet?

"You can probably say that," Colbert-Kean says. "Not the way that everybody would want it to happen, but it is what it is. And we’re expecting it to last a few more years."

For example, business is up 30 percent since the storm for owners of the popular Hackett Hot Wings downtown.

"People came from everywhere in huge support," adds local trucking exec Jeff Watson.

And while some Joplin-ites were disgusted by a Convention and Visitor’s Bureau tornado damage map – calling it a tacky attempt to cash in on "tornado tourism" – there’s been no shortage of cashing in elsewhere about town.

Take the "I ♥ Joplin" T-shirts, twister DVDs and EF-5 coffee table books the Walgreens is hawking – the very Walgreens on Range Line Road that got wiped out by the storm.

Even Boulevard Brewing cashed in on the Joplin disaster with a buck a barrel marketing scheme.

The question being, is cashing in on the disaster a little, you know, tacky?

"I don’t see it that way," Watson says. "I see it as a positive. I think it’s good for the community because the money comes back. Does it really come back? I don’t know for sure, but I hope it does."

As for the post-storm, cup half full, people are better off perspective,

As for the cup-half-full, Joplin’s better off now perspective, "I think it’s still too early to say," says local businesswoman Wendy Watson, a Barstow grad. "Some good things have happened and business is up for a lot of people, but the town as a whole lost a lot of structures and I don’t know what the population loss is. But I mean, Joplin’s going to survive and do well in the long term."

Dateline: Joplin…

I come to you now from the land down under, Joplin, Missouri. Where in less than one month, this humble burg will commemorate a one-year anniversary of the brutal devastation visited upon it by an EF-5 tornado that took "at least" 161 lives and left key portions of the town in ruins.

But first let me say this.

To drive into Joplin today from Kansas City you would scarcely notice a thing out of order. While the well-documented damage was significant, you’d almost need a Tornado Damage Map to find the areas that were wiped out. Which if you recall, is exactly what the Joplin Convention & Visitors Bureau put out resulting in a wave of anti "tornado tourism" among locals. KCC covered that story in January.

Make no mistake, the evidence is there, you just have to come upon it.

Now let’s take a look at a town probably most of you know little about, then I’ll bring things up to date over the next day or two while I’m here looking over a little town that says it’s proud of its past and is shaping its future.

First off, while at 50,000 residents Joplin is less than half the size of even Topeka, somehow it seems more urban. Like more of a city city. Don’t get me wrong, wildly sophisticated it’s not – but then neither is Topeka. It just feels bigger and more urban (but not urbane) somehow.

And as is often the case in many small towns, it’s always interesting to peruse the list of famous folks that are from there. Check out some of Joplin’s escapees.

Atop the list I first saw is Tony Alamo, described as a "religious evangelist, convicted child sexual abuser and polygamist." He’s followed by the likes of serial killer Billy Cook, studly 1950s television and movie actor Robert Cummings, golfer Hale Irwin, MLS soccer star Jack Jewsbury, troubled, former KC Royals catcher Darrell Porter and actor Dennis Weaver.

Quite the list, huh?

Then there’s that artist dude – what was his name? – oh yeah, Thomas Hart Benton. Benton hung out in Joplin – or as a friend from here calls it, "JoMo" – and drew cartoons for a newspaper called the Joplin American as a teen.

There’s more.

New York Yankees superstar Mickey Mantle got stuck playing minor league ball here in 1950 with the same team celebrated KC announcer dude Bill Grigsby started his broadcast career covering. And of course, NBC anchor Brian Williams lived here and started his TV news career on KOAM TV.

I can only imagine the memories Williams must have.

By the way, there’s a ton of Thomas Hart Benton murals and paintings floating around, including in the town’s super cool, historic new City Hall inside the elegant, former digs of the Newman Mercantile Store (circa 1910) in downtown Joplin.

There’s also another very Thomas Hart Benton-like mural, commissioned just two years back, from Benton’s grandson Anthony Benton Gude. Check it out here and note that instead of horses, it’s populated by classic American sportscars.

Which reminds me of an interview I had with Gude way back in 1992 wherein I asked the 29 year-old, then-budding artist if there were any similarities between his art and that of his famous grandfather.

"I see little or no similarities," Gude told me. "But a lot of people see something. I’ve been around his paintings all my life. We spent pretty much every summer together in Martha’s Vineyard, until he died when I was 12."

However, while the young Gude may have been anxious to differentiate himself from his famous forebear, trust me, the good people of Joplin couldn’t disagree more.

Total Benton lookalike was the verdict everyone I spoke to at City Hall said of his mural.

In fact, I can all but assure you that if Gude’s work didn’t look nearly indistinguishable from THB’s, not only would it not be hanging prominently in Joplin’s City Hall, it wouldn’t be hanging there at all.

One more thing, before we move on to news about next month’s disasterversary…

It even turns out Gude has turned into one of those goofy twister chasing dudes – I kid you not.

"He is also a storm chaser," Martha’s Vineyard Gazzette reported four years back. "The recent bout of violent weather in Kansas left him on generator power for a month at the farm, but it provided good work material.

“ ‘I’m trying to get close enough to hear one roar,” Gude told the Gazzette. “That’s my goal in life.’”

The City of Joplin’s goal: never again to hear that roar.

The anonymous comments crowd can be harsh…

And not just here, pretty much everywhere. Because for some reason or other, people feel compelled to weigh in, have their voices heard. Their uncaring voices too.

Take the young man who was beaten outside of the Granada theater in downtown Lawrence early Thursday morning. Police were called just before 2 a.m. and found a man who’d been knocked to the ground then kicked by two "suspects."

No one was arrested and the man was taken to the hospital with injuries to his face and head.

Enter Lawrence Journal World comments section stalwarts bearing their feeble two-cents worths…

"Was there a hip-hop performance there Wednesday night?" asked the first.

"Actually, it was a bluegrass concert," came the answer. "What is it they say about people who assume things?"

"The fight was a group of WHITE college students, that were being drunk and ignorant," added a third.

"Ignorant and racist," said a fourth.

And it was downhill from there…

"I will say that the Granasty charges 10 bucks for a double capt and coke, that could anger a few peeps" was one.

"Any drink that requires coke is lame," came another.

And on they went.

"Boy, beautiful downtown lawrence, thanks commissioners for making it an entertainment district instead of the unique downtown of the past."

"Looks like we need to do away with the granada the way things are going with it. maybe put downtown the way it use be."

"Why? Because they (like every bar in Lawrence) has fights that break out? A fight outside Jazzhaus earlier this week sent a man to the hospital… should we close down that bar too? Anytime you throw alcohol and crowds together you’re going to get people who are belligerent and irresponsible. Maybe we should start blaming the alcohol and the individuals who abuse it before we blame the venue. And lets not forget that just because a fight breaks out in front of ONE crowded street front, that doesnt mean that those people were in attendance at that specific event or even that they were customers of that particular establishment. Drunks wander Mass Street all night and some of them are hungry for these kind of arguments."

Somebody even blamed the fight on Topeka. Another on Obama. Were Secret Service aents involved, queried another.

Sound familiar?

Typical comments section style devolution – a few interesting details here and there followed by a parade of numbnuts. A long parade of numbnuts.

Until…

"This is my son and I dont care what kind of concert it was the sorry SOB that did this is a coward and will be held accountable by any means necessary," said an apparently sincere bdye.

"Not a single one of you commenting on this said a thing about hoping the young man was ok the lack of compassion in this town is underwhelming like almost everything else in Lawrence. Right now I dont give a rats ass about the music, the venue or the amount of idiots Lawrence has. I just want my boy to be alright and the douche that did this arrested and held responsible for his stupidity. My son has always been very well liked in this town is a musician and goes out of his way to be kind to people. You could all take a lesson from him."

Then – almost miraculoulsy – a funny thing happened. The morons came to their senses and a civil exchange took place.

  "I hope your son is alright, and the idiots are brought to justice, apologies for peoples stupidity," one of the early commenters offered.

"I hope he’s okay and they get whoever did this.Sometimes it’s best to stay away from here even when the story hits close to home.Not much compassion here, just a lot of wise-acres," said another.

A third asked the "father" what his son might have done to get beaten up.

"He was defending the girl that got hit too," came the answer. "They say he is gonna be ok just alot of stitches. Apparently my son is one of the last gentlemen on earth who will always go to bat for the underdog male or female. It’s a shame this coward is still running around the streets but his day will come and soon."

And lastly, this morning early came the voice of Merrill.

Hey, wait a minute.

Not the Merrill who just escaped the gravitational pull of KMBZ radio? The dude who’s a refugee of Lawrence himself – the photoshopped one.

"Granada should implement a drink limit such that Applebee’s does. I believe it to be a limit of 2 or three. Very smart. This way those ruffians that cannot handle alcohol might be contained so they do not ruin the fun and enjoyment for others"

It was an interesting case study in the failures and successes of a healthy comments section.

While there’s no escaping the knuckleheads, some of the early, dumb and dumber stereotypes and notions were dispelled, more information regarding the news story was brought to light and readers were prompted to step outside of their comfort zones and consider the humanity of the situation.

And all in all, I think that’s a good thing.

Let’s talk about what’s left of the once great, Kansas City institution known as the American Royal...

When I was a kid I didn’t have a clue about the American Royal outside of getting to hang out downtown and catch a really cool parade once a year. Needless to say, that didn’t last long.

As I grew older my awareness of the local annual Cow & Pony show grew and I was inculcated into the school of thinking that the American Royal was a very important component of the business and social fabric in Kansas City.

After all, local giant-among-men, banker R. Crosby Kemper Jr. was its most ardent supporter.

Plus people of my father’s age with ties to what is sometimes referred to as KC’s "agribusiness industry" gave it more than just lip service – they bought into it big time and backed it with bucks.

Even high society types worshipped at the Royal’s altar, offering their daughters as debutantes in the annual BOTAR Ball.

For the uninitiated, BOTAR stands for Belles of the American Royal and it’s considered second only to the Nelson-Atkins museum’s Jewel Ball in high society prestige.

Full disclosure: I squired a few debs to the big dance myself back in the Dark Ages.

And after I went away to college at the University of Arizona, my vastly wealthy ex roommate – who owned a sprawling cattle ranch along the border of Mexico south of Tucson – borrowed my house while I was on my honeymoon to attend the Royal.

It was that big a deal.

His family’s ranch was where the movie-musical Oklahoma was filmed and that he felt compelled to attend the American Royal made it feel like a bigger deal.

Hey, what did I know?

Over the years the Royal would book big name acts – albeit usually country stars – and friends and business associates would always have tickets and want people to accompany them to the rodeos, bull rides or horse shows. And that made it seem kinda happening.

A handful of years back, at the height of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy series, Fab Five dude Carson Kressley even jetted in to ride in the Royal and help promote it.

With heavy hitter, civic leader George Gustello at the helm of the Royal bringing in big name, non-country headliners and Global Spectrum running a rejuvenated Kemper Arena, a stockyards renaissance appeared to be afoot. And that wasn’t that long ago, you guys – it was right before the Funk took office.

When KC mayor Kay Barnes foisted a series of well-intentioned, but misguided moves that resulted in the unraveling and eventual shuttering of Kemper, Guastello’s departure and the now all-too-evident fall from grace of what was left of the American Royal.

Face it, the American Royal isn’t the only Old World institution in trouble given the evolution of pop culture, business and society. Newspapers like the Star (and now defunct Sun and struggling Pitch), greeting card makers (like Hallmark), travel agencies, music and movie software makers – the list is endless.

However, the concept of relatively sophisticated young adults buying into local cock and bull rodeo shows in this day and age seems a stretch. And now that Barnes’ jettisoning of Kemper is complete, and the Royal having sampled the Sprint Center last year in an apparent failure, it’s back to Square One.

Actually, it’s much worse.

This year’s American Royal, we now learn, will go down in lowly Hale Arena.

With fewer than 3,000 seats rather than 18,000 to 19,000 and change. Oh, the shame.

Equally bad (if not worse), they won’t even have one big name act to lure us local losers back to the West Bottoms. Not one. Unless you count Liverpool or whatever local bands they book at bargain basement prices.

In other words, the American Royal is up you-know-what creek.

More than half of last year’s attendence at the Royal came to see headliner Reba McEntire. Meaning the entire event drew less than 8,000 people outside of her concert.

Pathetic.

And if you want to hear a really bogus excuse for why the Royal won’t be back at Sprint this year, get a load of this: Sprint says they didn’t have the avails because it’s holding dates for the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Madonna.

That is so ridiculously bogus.

The American Royal totally knows what its dates are long before concert tours with acts like the Chili Peppers and Madonna are booked. Had the Royal reserved the dates in advance, Madonna and the Peppers would have had to work around or play elsewhere.

So hey, the date’s been moved up to Sept. 27-29 for this year’s American Royal and that parade I went to so long ago will reportedly go down the same weekend.

Although, not so’s you’d notice.

Because when you go to the American Royal’s Web site and click on "parade" it tells you it’s at 10 a.m. September 17, 2011. Along with the caveat, "all dates subject to change."

Let’s hope so.

My guess – and it’s only a guess – is the parade will go down on Saturday morning, September 29th.

Let’s leave things on a positive note, shall we?

Remember that $70 million teardown of Kemper the Royal suggested a year or three back? A project that would then replace Kemper with a 5,000 seat Equestrian Center? Fat chance!

Unfortunately for the Royal, there are no Kay Barneses around anymore to sugar plum that deal through.

One of Kansas City’s worst venues to catch a concert is no more….

That’s the bad news you might say – that the shows at Kansas City’s historic City Market are history.

However, the really good news is that a new downtown home for the concert series has been found and is about to be announced, sources say.

Will it be along the riverfront in Berkley Park, in a city-owned park west of City Market, at Liberty Memorial, home of Rock Fest or elsewhere?

The jury’s out for now, but there will be more than one show on the docket for this summer.

All of this after marketers of the historic City Market reluctantly tossed in the towel recently on the longstanding outdoor summer concert series there to ensure against further damage to the Steamboat Arabia museum.

And while museum main man David Hawley is relieved and happy about the resolution, "I think in some circles they’d like to put the Arabia in the crosshairs for spoiling their party," he jokes.

Hawley’s yet to hear from City Market officials since their terse release cancelling the season.

"I sent a nice note and thanked them for helping to protect the collection and told them I hoped to work together to make the City Market a better place for everyone, but I didn’t hear back." Hawley says. "I know it kind of singed their feathers a little bit."

And still no word on a City Market sponsored engineering report to evaluate damage done by the loud music.

"No, they haven’t reported back yet," Hawley says. "But it’s only been (3 or 4) weeks, so I don’t know how long something like that takes – but it took six months for them to even get here…They’re going to have to repair the damage at the museum – the ceiling’s damaged. This effort is to repair the damage that’s already been done.

"The thundering concerts knocked it lose and down it came and it was a surprise to everybody that the concrete came lose. You know the concerts are not going to knock the building down, but it did knock chunks of it down – parts that were damaged by water, I guess."

Make no mistake, Hawley’s no party pooper and is all for the concert series continuing in its new location. His favorite City Market show?

"Oh, I listened to Mumford & Sons for a while and I liked that one," he says. "But I sat inside by the paddle wheel for that one and I could still hear it good."

Think of it as a black eye for KC and another nail in former mayor Kay Barnes’ coffin…

Yesterday’s Wall Street Journal drilled Kansas City’s Power & Light District and Cordish for the bad bet Barnes made in 2005 that the taxes generated by the $850 million entertainment district would pay for itself or the city would pick up the tab.

We all know what happened next.

"Today, the project, which sits near the onetime headquarters of Kansas City Power & Light Co., generates less than one-third of what is needed to cover the debt service on the bonds," the Journal says. "The city is setting aside $12.8 million in its budget for the fiscal year that starts next month to cover the gap, a notable hole in a $1.3 billion budget that calls for $7.6 million in cuts to the fire department."

Worse yet, "Given the sluggish real-estate recovery, the city expects similar gaps to persist for years." the Journal adds.

The Journal points to cities with similar woes, but while today’s Star pants about yet another bogus "best of" by Travel & Leisure magazine for KC’s being a "hipster" magnet (like Travel & Leisure would know), there’s zero coverage on the dinging by the Journal.

A dinging with teeth, as opposed to the hollow best of blowjob.

"These dashed hopes are contributing to broader fiscal problems. Kansas City’s high debt was cited by Fitch Ratings in February when it warned of a potential downgrade," the story continues. "’The city’s debt load has increased substantially over the past decade resulting from an aggressive infrastructure and economic development expansion plan,’ the ratings firm said.The redevelopment efforts came after decades of decline in Kansas City. Population shifts to the suburbs left the once-bustling downtown littered with parking lots and few restaurants or residents. The grand vision was for an arena surrounded by stores, restaurants, apartment buildings and offices."

That the P&L is at 85 percent occupancy isn’t exactly a good sign either.

If we can’t make it at 85 percent, how much upside is there?

"The Power & Light District’s never going to make money, we gave too much away," says Westport businessman Bill Nigro. ‘Their sales would have to triple or quadruple to break even and we just don’t have the population base."

Unfortunately, "Sales-tax revenue is also off," the Journal says. "Cordish has blamed this partly on the lack of a professional sports team at the arena. The apartment buildings that also would have boosted traffic have stayed on the drawing board."

The P&L has hit KC in the pocketbook in less obvious but significant other ways, Nigro notes.

"Kansas City used to get (more) sales tax money from all the entertainment districts and the city got to keep that money," Nigro says. "That includes Westport, the City Market, Martini Corner and the Plaza. But now, not only does the city not get to keep the sales tax money from Cordish because it goes to pay off the bonds, they’re getting less sales tax money from the other entertainment districts whose business went down because of competition from the Power & Light. So it’s a double whammy."

Barnes is also credited with spearheading the Sprint Center on the premise of luring a pro hockey or basketball team. Yet while Sprint seems to have worked out well for concert promoters, that’s not the case with the P&L, Kemper Arena and the American Royal.

In fact, here’s how Barnes’ Wikipedia page characterizes her legacy downtown:

"Barnes was a principal architect of Kansas City’s deal with private investors to develop the downtown Power and Light District. The terms of the deal essentially require the City to pay for shortfalls in revenue on the servicing of the bonds issued to develop the district. P&L has been a fiscal disaster for Kansas City with taxpayers perennially paying millions of dollars on the bond obligations out of the general budget, and forcing the city to offset the debt by cutting into essential services, such as street maintenance and fire protection. Some have suggested an investigation into Barnes’ direct and indirect relationships with developer Cordish Co. and the financing banks should take place."

Nuff said?

We interrupt this Dick Clark and Royals wake to bring you a few distractions from….

The national media circus that continues to surround ousted Arkansas head football coach Bobby Petrino. You know, the dude who was slated to become the poster child for Missouri‘s new SEC football rivalry with the neighboring state that will replace Kansas?

Unfortunately, the 51 year-old Petrino had the romantic misfortune of banging bodies with a 20-something volleyball hottie who was engaged to another Arkansas coach. All of which fell asunder after Petrino dumped his motorcycle recently, babe aboard, and all heck broke out in the biggest college sports sex scandal since Penn State.

Or was it Syracuse?

In any case, it appears the Star kinda skipped this story for its print readers – you know, the paying customers – but there’s been plenty of fun stuff written elsewhere, so why not share?

Take the "6 Awesome Things About Bobby Petrino’s Resume" Houston Press writer Sean Pendergast set forth earlier today.

"The Bobby Petrino Saga. It won’t go away. And that’s good because I can’t look away," Pendergast begins.

That in reference to the Freedom of Information Act unearthing more than 100 pages of documents related to the scandal. But while almost everybody else was zeroed in on the s-e-x, Pendergast’s poolside reading focused on the Petrino’s resume.

"If you’re like me — a self-respecting American who’s had to apply for a job before — you’ll appreciate just how ridiculous this document is," Pendergast begins. "How much do I love this resume? Let me count the ways."

"It’s entitled ‘Resume’ at the top of the page," Pendergast continues. "Usually when someone is sending you their resume, it’s kind of understood that that’s what it is, but maybe the good people in Arkansas need to be reminded exactly what ‘that there dockyment that has all that feller’s old jobs listed’ is called. Either that or maybe Bobby Petrino feels the need to entitle all of his personal documents, and if that’s the case did he put ‘PUNK ASS EXIT LETTER’ at the top of the note he left for his Falcon players when he skulked out of Atlanta in the middle of the night?"

Which brings us to the accent mark Petrino added to resume – as in resumé. Except Petrino wrote, resume’

"First of all, I don’t know of a single English speaking person who feels compelled to place an accent on the long e at the end of the word ‘resume,’ but whatever," Penderast says. "Bonus points for Petrino for trying to be worldly, I guess. Very European, Bobbo…However, if you’re going to ‘accent up’ the word ‘resume,’ then you need to…use an actual accent mark. An apostrophe is not an accent mark. Using an apostrophe as an accent aigu is the punctuation equivalent of farting in the bath tub and calling it a jacuzzi."

Then there’s that Petrino calls himself "Bobby" on the resume.

"This is funny on two levels," Pendergast writes. "First, the general rule of thumb with resumes is to use your full given name, and unless Petrino’s parents named him ‘Bobby,’ then the appropriate protocol is to use his full name of ‘Robert.’ Second, and more importantly, you have a grown man referring to himself as ‘Bobby.’ Isn’t there an age where you cease being ‘Bobby’ and you become ‘Bob’? Like, 12 years old?"

In addition Petrino included zero contact information on his resume.

The kicker being that Petrino misspelled the name of his alma mater on the resume as Carol College instead of Carroll College.

"I don’t have official confirmation on this fact, but I believe this makes Petrino the first and only person to ever spell the name of his alma mater incorrectly on his resume and still get selected for a job paying nearly $3 million per year," Pendergast says.

More to the point of the document discovery, "The hot stuff started when Bobby Petrino and Jessica Dorrell were sitting in a car having lunch together and she asked him, ‘Are you going to kiss me?’ " writes San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler. "Petrino revealed that tender moment while he was being probed by Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long, whose notes were obtained by the Associated Press under what is now known as the Freedom of Too Much Information Act.

"When Dorrell asked Petrino about the kiss, sirens should have gone off for the married 51-year-old (then) coach," Ostler continues. "We all know what ‘Are you going to kiss me?’ leads to. It leads to, ‘Are you going to take me to the prom?’ "

In addition to coughing up a 20 grand Christmas present that Dorrell hid under her mattress and later used to buy a black Acura, Petrino showered her in – would you believe? – Hot Tamales. You know, the candy.

"Petrino was fired, so we’ll never get to experience the fan reaction whenever his Razorbacks played on the road," Ostler says. "(But) fans would have (probably) pelted Bobby with Hot Tamales…"

The discovery also included fun facts like Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long writing down notes like, "Kissed on lunch outing" and "Why would she say she expected the relationship to continue if the motorcrash didn’t occur."

Then there’s the poor slob Dorrell was engaged to, who naively told Long that, "Football gave her a bonus to get the car" because "football has a car guy."

Worse yet, Dorrell apparently used a portion of Petrino’s $20,000 gift to help pay for her upcoming, but presumably now-cancelled wedding.

Which brings us to what is supposed to be Dorrell’s final payoff from the Petrino affair.

"Dorrell resigned from her position in the football department Tuesday and received a $14,000 settlement to not attempt to sell or profit from her affiliation with the athletic department," the Arkansas News Bureau reports.

Fat chance.

Call me a skeptic, but no way she’s going to pass on a book, movie, magazine or Playboy shoot on this deal.

Would you?