KC Confidential

Long time no boots to asses, what gives?

I can’t remember the last time the Kansas City Star unleashed a round of cutbacks and/or layoffs. And that’s saying something. Yeah, they’re still choking out employee furloughs – forced, unpaid vacations. – And while I hate to jinx anyone – after all, I was one of the hundreds that took a bullet a few years back – it does seem quite remarkable.

I mean, the newspaper’s obituary page is chock full of former readers on a daily basis – so it’s not like its readership ranks are growing.

So what’s the deal?

Turns out the worm has temporarily turned at 18th and Grand and ad revenues are up, up, up…

"Yeah, advertising is celebrating big time," one Star staffer says. "The publisher just had a big party for them about a week ago in the Press Pavilion celebrating their success. They had a roast pig and alcohol and everything."

No such gaiety was lavished upon the lowly inked stained wretches who toil in the income-free zones.

That said, it’s not like the surviving newsies are kicking butt and taking names in a post Armageddon newspaper landscape. Not after years of wage freezes, benefits cutbacks, layoffs, furloughs, job insecurity and general uncertainty.

Add to that the reduced news output (fewer pages) being delivered to the driveways of its increasingly elderly readers and you have to wonder how much longer the newsprint game can continue without further cuts. Even given the prospects of an eventual economic rebound.

"I can’t understand why people spend the money for our paper when our circulation is still going down," the staffer says. "And this is at a time when people cancel their subscriptions during a political season because they get mad about our politics."

Hey, keep your fingers crossed.

But know somehow that things will even out and the Star will continue to shine.

Trust me.

Give it up for The Pitch...

The record store rag I ran and built into an alternative newsweekly was on life support for years before Village Voice (aka New Times) unloaded it last year on some dudes in Nashville named Southcomm.

The betting money being that Southcomm would evolve the aging hippie rag into something fresher, flashier and less formulaic than it had become under its former owners. And that it would go after the upscale advertisers the Star‘s upstart weekly Ink was attracting. Advertisers that wouldn’t advertise in the Pitch at gunpoint.

To do so, the Pitch would need to start dialing more content into its all-important (revenue-producing) print paper, clean up the tacky sex ads in back and start printing on magazine stock instead of newsprint like it does in Nashville.

Well, one out of three ain’t bad – not in baseball anyway.

Just a handful of months back the Pitch was barely getting in a single feature story every issue and its poor editor was stuck writing all the movie reviews. And printing a paltry 40 pages per week (to Ink‘s 56) doesn’t allow much room for news or arts content – or ad revenues for that matter. But it’s looking a little better.

This week’s Pitch, for example, is cleaner, has two stories instead of only one, a bit more music writing and a dialed back sex section.

But while things are looking up at the Pitch, Ink‘s still cleaning its clock in the all-important ad game.

The Pitch is hanging on for dear life to a small handful of syndicated national ads and most of the key local live music bars and concert venues. Meanwhile Ink – though news content light -is loaded with full page ads nowhere to be found in the Pitch. Huge, coveted advertisers like Baron Mini, Starlight Theatre and the KC Royals.

Frankly, having run both the Pitch and a competing local alt weekly, I can tell you that for the Pitch attract big, mainstream advertisers like Ink, it’s going to have to bite a seriously big bullet and banish the dirty business sex ads to the Internet.

It’ll hurt, but in the long run it’s the only answer.

Unfortunately its dialed back print content has already cost the Pitch both eyeballs and money.

And repackaging generic local news stories online won’t pay the Pitch‘s bills.

So it’s a struggle and won’t be easy, but little by little the Pitch is inching the right direction.

Here’s hoping they make it!

Far be it from me to lobby for you guys to become homebodies…

Get out, party, have a good time, go to a concert, movie, comedy club – anything. Why waste away at home if you don’t have to?

There are times however to pull back and not get sucker-punched by Hollywood.

And one such time is staring you in the face in the form of the new Mark Wahlberg movie Ted.

I know, I know, Jack stuck up a bunch of fingers and it’s taking names and kicking butt at the box office. But don’t get fooled, like I did yesterday.

Stick with the laffs you’ll get watching the trailer and quit while you’re ahead.

I found out how bad Ted was the hard way yesterday at a 4:20 p.m. screening in a packed theater.

OMG, I can’t remember the last time I was this bored and didn’t unleash a single laugh.

And I’m an easy mark. I’m even thinking about going back to see Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter a second time since I missed it in 3D the first time. And I liked Dark Shadows.

But I wasn’t alone in being underwhelmed by Ted.

There were predictable, scattered laughs throughout the theater, but by and large the crowd was pretty quiet. Like me.

And none of the laffs I heard could be described as "uproarious."

Trust me, Ted may have done business like The Hangover but it’s no Hangover. Not even close.

I finally bailed early after wrestling more than half an hour with slipping into another theater or asking for a refund.

Now check out what director Seth MacFarlane said about Ted in an interview.

"One, it’s my first movie so there’s going to be a lot of eyes on it. Two, if it doesn’t do well, eh, it’s just my first movie, I’ll get better. For me, it’s got to be received well enough that it doesn’t seem insane to make another one. My first movie can’t be ‘Ishtar.’"

Talk about prophetic

Let me say this about that…

Some of you – don’t look at me like that, you know who you are – are under the mistaken impression that because I’ve been critical of the Alamo Drafthouse‘s ridiculously harsh no texting/no talking policy, I’m down on the place.

Totally bogus.

Two-plus-two usually does make four, I’ll grant you that, but despite my liberal views, trust me, I’m neither a text-a-holic nor an in-movie yapper.

Just a realist.

That said, I’m going to share my experience at the Alamo’s bold, new downtown venture, The Mainstreet. Because on Wednesday I accompanied a party of five to the Alamo’s grand, soft opening.

And no, I didn’t get yelled at, kicked out or anything of the kind.

Now I’ve gotta tell you…

I was impressed. Really impressed.

Enough so that I think I’ve even figured out a way for the Alamo to add more seats to the upstairs screening rooms to make up (in part) for the ones going bye-bye downstairs when they jam in the dining rails and server aisles come September.

Here’s how my night unfolded.

It started with a warning to my wife by the nice lady at the ticket booth.

"There’s no talking and no texting," she said. "Seriously, they’ll throw you out."

First let me say, they didn’t know it was me.

My wife got the tix while I parked the car. I only happened upon the friendly warning at the end of her transaction and you could kinda tell the women felt a little awkward about it. My guess is she worked there for AMC and wasn’t used to threatening people yet.

Inside, the Mainstreet still looks great.

We sat in the Cinema Suites for a second go-around on The Marvel Avengers (zzzzzzzzzz, once was enough for this one – I actually liked it first time out).

"We kind of adopted a new policy," our server began. "So when you want to order, just write down what you want and push the button and I’ll come by and get your order. There’s no talking during the movie."

Got it!

Next came those ad-free movie shorts everybody’s been raving about. And guess what? They were killer cool. A great way to pass the time while you’re still allowed to order verbally and – you know – schmooze your date or whomever without getting kicked out.

My suggestion; arrive early, it’s worth it.

Next came the Alamo’s new menu – that changes every so many months. Trust me, it will be a breath of fresh air to pretty much anybody that’s been stuck supping on the food at AMC’s Fork and Screen or Cinema Suites.

My picky eater daughter Liza liked it so much she ordered two servings of the fried pickles. Hey, and they have Godiva chocolates and Jaeger – just don’t mix the three.

That brings us to the dress code, or what passes for one.

Unlike the neatly attired AMC staffers past, the Alamoans I saw wore like black shirts and much faded jeans. I dunno, maybe their Star Trek suits are on order, but from the looks of it, my guess is every day is Casual Friday.

Naturally the sound and visuals are beyond top notch, thanks to the spendthrifts at AMC who lost their butts at the Mainstreet.

My hunch is – and I spoke to some of the Alamo’s staff from Austin – that the Mainstreet blows away any of the other Drafthouse’s in the company’s movie theater portfolio.

One quick critique, then I’ll tell you my plan to save Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie and the rest of the Drafthouse gang from $anta Anna.

It was painfully obvious that my server was uncomfortable delivering food and drink during the movie. I don’t know whether she’s new and felt threatened (like the customers are) by management. You know, like she might get kicked out without getting her paycheck or something.

Yet even though there were only like 10 people in our theater, she spent the entire time racing back and forth a million miles per hour, while ducking uncomfortably. Which actually made for more of a distraction.

Slow down!

I know she wanted to get out of the way, but the high speed, animated racing routine was far more distracting than had she merely walked past at a normal to brisk pace. As it was, it was kind of like, "Where’s the fire?"

Now my plan to save the Alamo’s bacon.

My screening room had a posted occupancy of 23 but I counted only 21 seats.

With better than six feet between my legs and the partion to the next level. Now if you extend the recliner that narrows the free space some, but there’s still plenty of room for a redo with nice seats that probably could at least double the seating comfortably.

In my humble opinion.

And if the Drafthouse can pick up an extra 100 seats upstairs, that’ll go a long way toward making up for the 100 or more they’ll lose in the big theaters downstairs when they make room for food and beveage service there.

May the force be with them!

Close but no Tony G…

You know what they say, looks can be deceiving. Big time in the case of a Ford Mustang commercial that’s been bumping around YouTube in recent months. And comments section habitue Rick wasn’t the only one to finger former Chiefs tight end Tony Gonzalez – now with Atlanta – as the dude on the street twice seen ogling a new 2013 Mustang in the spot.

Little wonder.

The chef suit attired guy with the wild ass tattoo on his right forearm is the spitting image of Tony G.

Which probably won’t come as a big surprise if indeed – as noted by commenters among the 1.3 million plus people who’ve seen the spot – it’s Tony’s big brother Chris Gonzalez.

Sure does look like Tony Gonzalez though – enough to fool some folks.

"Great commercial, great car, and it’s always fun to see Tony Gonzalez on TV," wrote Chris on the website Every Man’s Auto.  "He’s still a Chief in my eyes…"

Just one problem…

"That’s not Tony. That is big brother, Chris," a commenter pointed out.

"That is correct. This is Chris Gonzalez!!" added a second.

Which brings us to an actual, "name" authority (wink, wink), courtesy of chacha.com.

"Is Tony Gonzalez in the Ford Mustang commercial?" its headline reads.

The answer:

"Tony Gonzalez is not in the Ford Mustang commerical. In the 2013 Ford Mustang commercial, the man appearing in the ad is Chris Gonzalez, who is the older brother of Tony Gonzalez."

Speaking of Tony G…

Stumbled onto his bio on JockBio.com, which begins with a kiss up to Tony’s hunky looks and a dissing of KC.

"Tony’s matinee-idol looks and good-guy charm don’t hurt, either," it reads. "After years of toiling in relative obscurity, Tony has found a team that may get him the one accolade he’s been missing, Super Bowl champion."

What, toiling in obscurity?

Gonzalez went to 10 straight Pro Bowls as a Chiefs player beginning in 1999.

Oh, well…

The heat is on and unfortunately, it’s here to stay…

So says Channel 41 weather wonk Gary Lezak. That according Lezak’s Recurring Cycle (LRC) theory.

"The thing is this," Lezak says. "The weather pattern is the same one that set up last fall, according to my LRC. The one that brought us the lowest amount of snow and the warmest March ever in Kansas City history. And it will continue until a new pattern sets up in September or October."

Lezak’s bottom line:

"It will be a hot and dry summer with sporadic chances for rain," he says. "It’s going to be our hottest summer – there’s no doubt about it."

Including temps in the 100s, like of late?

"A lot," Lezak says. "Many days in the 100s."

Global warming or luck of the draw?

"Well, it’s global climate change," Lezak says. "It is warming up."

Any record breakers to date?

"The warmest June temperature ever was on June 23rd 1934 when it was 108 degrees," Lezak says "And we came close to that yesterday at 105 degrees. The hottest temperature ever in Kansas City was 113 and I’m sure we’ll make a run at that sometime this summer."