It’s come to this…

So depleted are the writing ranks at the Kansas City Star that a lowly sports editor – they don’t even have a news columnist – took it upon himself to pen a retort to San Francisco Chronicle columnist Scott Ostler‘s hilarious spoof of the Cowtown.

Instead of responding in kind though – via clever, upbeat humor –  Jeff Rosen penned a thin-skinned hit job, putting down San Francisco and the 49ers via shop worn jokes and tired trivia, such as making fun of the so-called “San Francisco treat,” Rice-A-Roni.

Uh, Jeff, pardon me – but the 1960s called and wants their black and white TV ads back – unless you somehow stumbled onto the new Jerry Rice spots.

In any case, nobody anywhere, besides Rosen, ever labeled Rice-A-Roni as a “signature gourmet treat.”

So needless to say, unlike KC barbecue, Rice-A-Roni is hardly a San  Fran bragging point.

“Hang on to your self-driving Prius, bucko,” Rosen’s counter column begins…

Unfortunately one of Rosen’s first critiques backfires on countering Ostler’s claiming of Mark Twain as a famous local writer.

“Let’s start with Mark Twain, who was born in Hannibal, Missouri — our state, not yours — and maybe had a cup of coffee in the Bay Area – only upon asking your boss did we learn he once worked for a second at The San Francisco Chronicle,” Rosen writes.

“(Ernest Hemingway) developed his writing chops as a young reporter for none other than The Kansas City Star, in case you didn’t know. He had more than a cup of coffee here, too…So, Twain’s ours, not yours.”

Uh, really?

An 18 year-old Hemingway sharpened pencils at 18th and Grand for six months in 1917, and the newspaper hasn’t stopped braying about it since. And long as we’re using birth states to claim bragging rights, Hemingway was from Illinois, not Mizzou. Continue reading →

Talk about lame…

Instead of stepping up and participating or responding in kind, the Kansas City Star meekly reprinted Scott Ostler‘s tongue-in-cheek column in the San Francisco Chronicle poking fun at the Cowtown with a weak-wristed intro.

Now that truly is lame.

Get in the game guys – it’s time to play ball.

Not to curl up in a fetal position and meekly half apologize to what’s left of your readership with an unimaginative, lame headline: “San Francisco writer trashes Kansas City”

That headline doesn’t come close to describing Ostler’s hilarious depiction of Kansas Citians spending their days panning for gold by mixing ketchup and sugar, smoking and eating animals, then washing off their hands clean of it all in the city’s picturesque fountains.

That’s not trashing KC, that’s a USDA choice, funny-as-hell, good natured roast.

The fact that the Star didn’t a) participate in the fun or B) have anybody on board clever enough return fire in kind or c) felt it needed to garnish the reprint of Ostler’s column with  an inaccurate, “safe” headline, then warn readers it was written with a “Northern California sense of humor” and that they needed to bear that in mind while reading it.

Why? So they won’t blow a complete fuse and throw their television sets through the living room window once they realized the level of disrespect people in San Franciso have for we-the-people in flyover land?

Get real. Continue reading →

So the Titans lost to the Chiefs, no biggie…

More importantly, how does KC and Nashville stack up, sports teams not withstanding.

“Did you know Kansas City has a 19-foot-high badminton birdie in front of its art museum?” asks Tennessean writer Brad Schmitt. “We compare public art and more in the two cities squaring off.

“You’ve seen comparisons between quarterbacks Ryan Tannehill and Patrick Mahomes. Then there’s Derrick Henry and, uh, well, I don’t know who’s running the ball for the Chiefs. But after Sunday’s game, which puts the winner in the Super Bowl, life goes on for people living in Nashville and Kansas City. So let’s see how the cities stack up, shall we?”

Schmitt makes no pretense at objectivity.

“I mean, I’m writing for a Nashville-based news outlet, so there’s little doubt about how this is going to play out, right? But hey, there are some former KC residents in our newsroom, and I did get their input. So I pledge to do as unbiased a comparison as possible (sort of).”

Fair enough…I guess.

Speaking of fairness, Schmitt’s first totally fair comparo pits Nashville country music versus Kansas City and World War I.

“Yes, Nashville neighbors, there is something called the National WWI Museum and its home is Kansas City. And the museum is legit — really interesting and well done exhibits, many of them interactive, and I left knowing much more about the Great War than when I walked in.

“But c’mon, the Country Music Hall of Fame & Museum? Stars, sequins, songs and Elvis Presley‘s 1960 solid gold Cadillac limo. A draw for people from around the world.”

Winner: Nashville

On a far more level playing field, next up is KC barbecue versus Nashville BBQ.

“Nashville has taken great strides with the smoked meats, even, dare I say (Dare! Dare!), surpassing Memphis. But, uh, the Kansas City Barbeque Society pretty much runs the BBQ world. And there really are some tasty, tangy treats slathered in hearty sauce coming out of those pits.”

Winner: Kansas City Continue reading →

Sure the Tennessee Titans  beat the Chiefs this past November…

But only where the final score is concerned.

Because in virtually every key measurable way, the Chiefs mopped up the floor with Nashville’s beloved Titans,Tennessean columnist Gentry Estes writes.

“They know they can beat these Kansas City Chiefs because they’ve done it before…(but) The Titans got lucky that day…” Gentry says. “The Chiefs largely controlled the game. They sacked Tannehill four times. They outgained the Titans 530 yards to 371. They had nearly 38 minutes of possession time, went 7-for-14 on third downs and totaled 28 first downs to the Titans’ 19…

“It was a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of game that fell in the Titans’ favor when the statistics suggest that it shouldn’t have. Continue reading →

What kind of crazy, fucked-up world do we live in where Whitney Houston gets inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and Judas Priest, Soundgarden and Todd Rundgren are not?

One in which the voters have lost all credibility, putting money over art, debasing the rock ethos and history to the point of irrelevance.

Come on, the only thing Whitney Houston has in common with rock is she OD’ed!

Then they constantly wank about influences.

Yup, Patti Smith is gotta be in because she broke ground and influenced those at home.

What new ground did Whitney Houston break?

Another pop singer, so what?

As for legacy…what did we get, American Idol? And to tell you the truth, Mariah Carey is more of an influence than Whitney. Yup, melisma reigns on TV competition shows.

Or is it because she married Bobby Brown and became a bad girl?

This is execrable, this is sacrilegious, I feel like the Nazi during “Springtime For Hitler”

I knew rock and roll, I was there, these people have NO CLUE!

Come on!

The biggest breakthrough in rock and roll – what built classic rock – was FM radio.

Yup, the Beatles opened the door and then underground FM radio blew the doors off.

FM stations played music AM wouldn’t dream of. Or if AM played it, it was eons late (kind of like terrestrial radio today, if you think about it – stuff breaks on streaming services).

As a result of FM we got extended songs.

We got side-long opuses. We got album-length extravaganzas. Yup, there’s more rock and roll in “Thick As A Brick” than in any song by Whitney Houston EVER!

But Jethro Tull can’t be in the Rock Hall because Ian Anderson is not warm and fuzzy and the band stole that Grammy from Metallica, even though that was the mistake of the ignorant Grammy voters, not the band.

Have you listened to “This Was” A blues-rock masterpiece?

I mean if you’re lauding Peter Green…

And “Stand Up” is enough to induct any band.

As for “Aqualung“…

And if Kiss can get in based on popularity – were you alive in ’71? – “Aqualung” RULED!

“Cross-Eyed Mary” still populates classic rock radio, somewhere Whitney Houston was never played. Continue reading →

Stumbled onto this funny Top 10 list from the comments dude formally known as smartman after Greg Hall left KCC…

The Real Reasons Greg Hall left KC Confidential

Hearne got upset when Greg confused his girlfriend with the cleaning lady.

He got a case of crabs after sitting next to Craig at last staff meeting. Crabs had shirts that said Team Glazer.

Office romance with Tracy Thomas never blossomed.

Tony Botello enrolled him in the churro of the month club. Was killing his 5K time

Glazer kept insisting that Greg join The Club, not Woodside, The Hair Club

Mrs. Hall tired of Black Barbie stopping by at 4:00 am.for chicken and waffles.

Joe Miller just wasn’t that into him

KCC Press Credentials only accepted at AA meetings.

Wanted to move on to greener pastures like JOPO and Whitlock

Will never have to lie again when Kelly Urich asks hims if he thinks his stuff is funny

Everybody knows how gawdawful things are for magazines and newspapers…

Not to mention what online shopping’s been doing to retailers and shopping malls.

It ain’t pretty, right?

Hey, before long we’re all gonna to have to take Joe Biden‘s advice and get in line with the coal miners and learn how to code.

Count Hallmark Cards among the industries struggling to remain relevant.

I spoke at length recently to a dude who “retired” this past year from Hallmark’s Lawrence operation and he did not paint a pretty picture.

Here’s the deal…

Because Hallmark’s a private company they don’t have to disclose their revenues, – kinda like Donald Trump doesn’t have to release his tax returns. But behind the scenes – according to my source – the company’s been on a downhill slide for 10 years.

Sound familiar? Kinda like the Kansas City Star.

By the time this 14-year Hallmark veteran left last year, business had dropped  off dramatically, he says. When he started, it was not unusual for the company to do print runs in the tens of thousand for each card.

These days you’re more likely to see smaller runs of 1,500 to 2,000 cards, he  says. Continue reading →