Category Archives: Starbeams
Starbeams: Brady’s Balls, Google’s Pole Dance, Newt’s Morals & Cheap Thrills in Mission Hills
Sounds to me like Gisele Bundchen is a better ball handler than the Patriots wide receivers. I’m sure Tom Brady’s cool with that.
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Google will pay $10 for each utility pole it attaches cables to in Wyandotte County. I haven’t seen this kind of money shelled out for pole since I was a Chippendale. And where will Wy Cow store all that dough, in a "pole vault"?
Starbeams: Kelly’s TOP 5 PREDICTIONS FOR THE SUPER BOWL
TOP 5 PREDICTIONS FOR THE SUPER BOWL:
#5. Millions of Americans will watch with the volume muted, not realizing Joe Buck is no longer calling the game.
#4. Inspired by Tom Brady‘s old coach, I might ask Gisele Bundchen if she wants me to donate my organ.
#3. A dozen people will get an unexpected look at Katie Couric‘s colon when they accidentally google Super Bowel.
Starbeams: Starbucks Index, Aixois to Commerce Tower & Justin Bieber to SNL
American incomes rose 0.5 percent in December – the biggest jump in nine months – but it still wasn’t enough to keep up with the rate increases of Starbucks Coffee.
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Starbucks will open its first store in India later this year. That means, the guy giving me tech support that I can’t understand will be talking even faster.
Starbeams: Red Light Cam Mythology, West Edge Boom & Driveway Blues
A new study by KCPD finds red-light cameras do not decrease the number of injury accidents at intersections. In fact, rear-end wrecks, injury wrecks and overall wrecks increased dramatically. Police became suspicious when they realized the cameras were made by Maaco.
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Construction in the KC area was off 43 percent in 2011. In fact, there wouldn’t have been any construction work at all if it weren’t for the West-Edge project on the Plaza.
Stargazing: Pipeline Smackdown, Return of Chocolate Ale & Erin Lanigan to KCC?
A proposed oil pipeline from Canada through Kansas has been rejected. Mainly, because it wasn’t something Kansas could steal from downtown Kansas City, Missouri. Governor Brownback says he’s willing to allow the pipeline to be built, but only if it goes through the middle of several Planned Parenthood clinics.
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A Shawnee Mission West student got a perfect score on her A.C.T.
Starbeams: Costa Concordia to Union Station, Hoffa Found @ KCI & Beyonce’s Butt
Officials at Union Station are already making plans for 2112, 100th anniversary exhibit of the Costa Concordia.
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After 36 years of searching, authorities have finally found Jimmy Hoffa‘s body…at a cellphone waiting lot at KCI.
Stargazing: Skies to Become No Spin Zone, More Phat for KC & Reefer Madness
The Sheraton people are going to stop the spinning restaurant on top of the former Hyatt Regency downtown. It will be used for private parties and special events. They say the days of the spinning restaurant have come to an end. From now on, if you want to spin while having dinner, you’ll have to try your luck at a trailer park in April.
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The Chiefs officially named Romeo Crennel head coach of the team. Crennel will be wearing many hats as he will run the team, assist in drafting players, bolster the offense and occasionally sub for BELLY BOY.
Starbeams: Rolling Roof, Rolling Streetcars & Rolling with the Punches
More proof that soccer is taking over: Sporting KC will have seven nationally televised games in the upcoming season. The MLS wants to reward the team for a strong finish and the league also wants to show off the fancy Livestrong Sporting Park. Some fans were upset because weather became a bit of an issue toward the end of last season.
A lot of people don’t realize this, but Livestrong is situated by to Kansas Speedway and lines up perfectly for a giant rolling roof!
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The mayor was in D.C. to ask for $25 million in federal aid to build a new streetcar line downtown. Why don’t they just ask for $25 million less in parking meter change and maybe more local residents would go downtown?
Starbeams: Iowa Republicans & The Top 5 Phrases You Won’t Hear in KC in 2012
Keith Olbermann did a great job of covering the Iowa caucus last night. When results came in, he promised to call my cell phone with updates.
Ron Paul received an official endorsement from Kelly Clarkson. Naturally, I don’t throw my support behind anyone until I hear from David Cook.
THE TOP 5 PHRASES YOU WON’T HEAR IN KANSAS CITY IN 2012:
#5. I would go gambling but there’s never a casino nearby.
#4. Let’s park here. I don’t mind paying for the meter.
Starbeams: The Top 5 Things That Happened at the Gates BBQ Fire
Gates BBQ in Leawood suffered fire damage early this morning...
TOP 5 THINGS THAT HAPPENED AT THE GATES FIRE:
#5. Firefighters arrived and began yelling, "Hi, May I Help You?"
#4. Out of habit, KCPD ran inside the building and placed their trays on the counter.
#3. Spectators got a great deal on some REALLY burnt ends.
Urich: My Big, Wet Christmas Gift to Kansas City
For decades people met "under the clock" at Union Station…
But we’ve gotten away from that tradition so, I’m proposing a new holiday tradition: "Kiss Under the Clock."
It will be unveiled Friday morning at Union Station, and if you’re fortunate enough to kiss someone under Union Station historic clock, you have to drop a buck in the giant Salvation Army bucket.
Starbeams: The Top 5 Accomplishments of Chiefs Coach Todd Haley
The TOP 5 ACCOMPLISHMENTS BY TODD HALEY:
#5. Almost grasped the ability to speak in complete sentences.
#4. Made several people laugh by reserving a table under the name C-Hunt.
#3. Taught us how to shake hands without getting germs.
Starbeams: Albert Rocks St. Louis, Weiss Waddles into KU
The City of St. Louis is still in shock after slugger Albert Pujols has signed a $254 million contract with the Los Angeles Angels. Albert is from Kansas City, so eventually that money will wind up in southern Johnson County. The Royals tried to sign him…but they couldn’t work out a deal where Albert would agree to be paid by the hour.
Starbeams: Obama Be Smokin’ Herman Cain Style in Osawatomie
The President visited Osawatomie Tuesday. Air Force one landed around 11:00 at KCI and was greeted by several bomb sniffing cattle. After his speech he went lunch at We B Smokin’ BBQ in Osawatomie. Ironically, We B Smokin’ is the phrase embroidered in Herman Cain‘s underwear.
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The President initially told Secret Service to stop at We B Smokin’ because he thought he could buy cigarettes there.
Starbeams: Kyle Orton’s Single Snap, It’s So Cold, Obama in Osawatomie, Titanic to KC
Chiefs quarterback Kyle Orton was knocked from the game after a single snap. Now we know why his initials are K.O.
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It was so cold…
Teenagers formed a flash-mob on the plaza to steal space heaters…
Mayor James announced he’s taking over the West Palm Beach school district…
Starbeams: Saddest Cities, Free Leawood, the KCSD & Ricky Martin to Glee
Men’s Health magazine just put out a list ranking the 100 biggest U.S. cities from saddest to happiest.
It’s based on suicide rates, unemployment rates, surveys on depression, and the level of antidepressant usage. The top 10 saddest cities, in order, are:
St. Petersburg, Detroit, Memphis, Tampa, Louisville, St. Louis, Birmingham, Miami, Reno and Las Vegas. Honolulu was happiest and Kansas City finished at number 73 on the list, ahead of Phoenix, Atlanta, Washington, DC and our so-sad, big-brother city – St. Louis. It’s about time for them to return Albert Pujols so we can wipe away his sadness.
Starbeams: Top 5 Excuse for Drunk Driving from MU Coach Gary Pinkel
MIZZOU coach Gary Pinkel was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. He loses his salary for a year and won’t coach this weekend’s game against Texas Tech.
TOP 5 EXCUSES FROM GARY PINKEL:
#5. Are you kidding me? Everyone is drunk in Boone county!
#4. I’ve never really had Thanksgiving off.
#3. Thought SEC conference had something to do with Triple SEC.
Starbeams: Top 5 Demands of Occupy Springfield Protestors
Police arrested eight Occupy Springfield protesters last weekend.
Now Here Are The Top 5 Demands of Occupy Springfield Protestors:
#5. Build a giant electric fence around the Stock Market.
#4. Poor people should get just as many "throwed rolls" as wealthy people.
#3. Graduating Kickapoo students need more poo to kick.
Starbeams: Thanksgiving Costs on the Rise, KCPD Uses its Noggin & Cain to KCSD?
It will cost 13% more to serve Thanksgiving dinner this year according to the American Farm Bureau Federation. Based on their projections, it will cost an average of $49.20 to serve Thanksgiving dinner for 10 versus $43.47 last year. This includes turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, rolls with butter, peas, cranberries, carrots and celery, pumpkin pie with whipped cream, coffee and milk. The turkey is the most expensive part AND had the biggest price increase – up $3.91 to $21.57 this year for a 16-pound bird.
The most expensive part of my family’s Thanksgiving dinner: the bail bondsman.
Starbeams: Earthquake Rolls Through Town, Takes Toll on Chiefs, Top 5 Local Disruptions
A 5.6-magnitude earthquake centered about 45 miles northeast of Oklahoma City was felt in Kansas City Saturday night at 10:53 p.m. The quake was very shallow at 3.1 miles deep. It did very little damage but it did leave a big hole in the Chiefs defensive line.
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TOP 5 DISRUPTIONS CAUSED BY THE EARTHQUAKE:
#5. My wife complained she wasn’t used to feeling the earth move in bed with me.
#4. Residents at local cemeteries were doing "the wave."
#3. Plaza Security briefly awakened from napping.
