Leftridge: Because You Have No Life, Here’s What You Should be Watching this Weekend

There’s entirely too much for you to watch this weekend. Seriously…

And since you’ll be wildly drunk most of the time, the only decision you should be left with is whether or not to sexually harass the Domino’s driver who barely speaks any English (hint: you shouldn’t… she’s a sweet gal).

To make it easy, I’ve compiled a list of must-see sports, things you’ll wish you could be watching when you’re in a detention facility because you ignored me and showed the poor lady your who-ha.

Check it out!

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Carolina Panthers (Sun., 12 p.m. CDT)

When the Panthers drafted Cam Newton with the first overall pick, I was securely in the ‘skeptic’ camp, I’ll admit. I had him penciled in as Mike Vick-lite (and his penchant for sanctioning kitten death matches did nothing to dispel this illusion).

Turns out, I—along with a billion others—might be wrong. With back-to-back 400 yard passing games, he immediately became one of the most electrifying players in the game. Oh, and Mizzou alum Blaine Gabbert gets the start for the Jags. I was never sold on Gabbert, either. Call it the ‘Prove Me Wrong Bowl.’

New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills (Sun., 12 p.m. CDT)

Face it, there really just aren’t a lot of outwardly compelling NFL match-ups this weekend. One game that does have some potential, though, is NE at Buffalo. The Patriots have been steamrolling so far this year, and Pretty Boy Brady will bust the 1,000 yard mark, likely in his first offensive series.

FIVE MINUTES INTO THE SEASON’S THIRD GAME.

That’s video game shit. Couple this with the fact that Buffalo’s Ryan Fitzpatrick seems to finally be putting things together, and you’ve got yourself a decent shot at a game. And hey, the Bills proved they can hang with the Pats last September when they narrowly won in Foxborough.  

Sprint Cup Series, Sylvania 300 (Sun., 1 p.m. CDT, ESPN)

Restrictor plates! Checkered flags! Mountain Dew-showers! Who will win this Sunday’s coveted Skoal: Boysenberry 500 in Paducah? Will it be Tug Dribbler? Clay Newton? Bob Gobbler? The only way to know for sure is to tune in to the racecar program this Sunday at 1 p.m. on ESPN. Don’t be the only yokel who can’t confidently discuss the crashes come Monday morning, ya’ll!

Boston Red Sox @ New York Yankees (Fri., 6 p.m. CDT, MLB Network)

Though it has become somewhat anticlimactic to discuss the Yankees and Red Sox at this time of year (usually, they’re both securely locked into playoff spots), this time there’s something to play for, goddammit. Over the past couple of weeks, the Sawx have pissed away a mighty Wild Card lead to those pesky Tampa Bay Rays AND the resurgent LA Angels of Anaheim, and with only a fistful of games to go, the heat is on. That’s right, I just quoted ‘Big Daddy’ Glenn Frey (and gave him a nickname, I guess).

With a 70 year old Tim Wakefield taking the hill on Saturday, and the awful ghost of John Lackey pitching on Sunday, Jon Lester has to set the tone with a win on Friday if the BoSox want to see the playoffs.

Missouri Tigers @ #1 Oklahoma Sooners (Sat., 7 p.m. CDT, FX)

Like my grandpappy used to say, “Lightning ain’t apt to strike the same dog’s ass twice, I reckon.” Yeah, pops said a lot of crazy, nonsensical things in his later years, but with regard to the MU/OU matchup in Norman on Saturday night, he’s probably got a point. A lot has changed since the two met last year in Columbia. Mizzou probably won’t win this one—call it a hunch—but the experience should be huge for a young Missouri team.

Osmosis Jones (Sun., 7 p.m. CDT, KSMO 62)

“Inside the body of a zookeeper, a white blood cell tries to foil a plot by a deadly invader to kill their host from within while pretending to be a cold virus.”

Oh, shit. How’d this sneak in here? PLEASE do not watch Osmosis Jones.

#2 LSU Tigers @ #16 WVU Mountaineers (Sat., 7 p.m. CDT, ABC)

So LSU is stacked… what’s new? And while they’ve been challenged plenty this season– West Virginia will be their third ranked opponent in a very young campaign– playing the potent offense of the Mountaineers IN Morgantown will be especially taxing. Led by junior QB Geno Smith, WVU boasts the 6th best passing attack in the country. Geno hasn’t yet come across anything like the Tigers seminal d-line, however. Something’s gotta give.

Manchester United @ Stoke City (Sat., 11:30 a.m., FSC)

Nobody can beat Man U. They literally look like the most invincible team ever, kind of like that ladies college basketball team from a year or two ago who went something like 543 and 0. They’re playing insane ‘futbol‘ right now, and it doesn’t seem as though anyone else in the EPL poses a real threat. Enter Stoke City… Okay, so Stoke City is average at best, and they will not win this game. Or probably even come close. I’ll be tuning in to see my favorite player, though, City’s own Peter Crouch. If you’re unfamiliar—and I’m assuming you are—look for the 6’7” guy who looks like what happened when a giant made beautiful love to a skeleton. His specialty is the header and sometimes, if you’re lucky, he’ll do the robot after a goal.