If I was half a man – and a true Chiefs fan – I’d be getting hammered right now…
It’s 8:18 am on Chiefs Sunday – the team is in a major playoffs game with the entire town’s fingers collectively crossed – hoping, praying, believing to the extent that’s possible, that the team is Super Bowl bound and destined to win it all.
That’s how things are supposed to work at this time of year – all Chiefs all of the time. Even the ghosts of Greg Hall and Craig Glazer are alive and kicking, hoping to sip some of that imaginary “sweet nectar of the end zone.”
Stop right there…
Dare I risk spoiling some of that fun by suggesting Chiefs radio announcer Mitch Holthus needs to 1) get a grip; 2) maybe attend a performance at the Kauffman Performing Arts Center; and 3) maybe grow the eff up.
People don’t need to hear a 62 year-old man from a town in Kansas smaller than my brain, scream like he’s about to be eaten-alive by wild pigs. Nor does Holthus need the invoke the imagery of “a politically organized community or major territorial unit having a monarchical form of government headed by a king or queen” in describing the Chiefs organization as a “kingdom.”
It’s not.
It’s just a really big biz owned by rich folks from out of town. Folks trying to get richer by hiring neanderthals from everywhere but Kansas City, to champion how great it is to live here in Flyover Land, with no mountains, oceans, great lakes or anything else that might be described as vacation worthy.
And where the heck did Holthus come up with that lame line, “sweet nectar of the end zone” anyway?
Surely he doesn’t equate touchdown dancing with the birds and the bees. Or conjure images of Chiefs players sipping “the saccharine secretion of a plant, which attracts the insects or birds that pollinate the flower.”
“The life-giving drink of the gods”?
Either way, it comes across as a bit queer.
The closest thing to nectar I’ve even seen a Chiefs fan ingest is Jägermeister.
Anyhoo, it’s 8:48 am and the Chiefs kickoff against Houston is five hours out, and I need to shower, shave, dress, hit the ice-slackened streets to find me some nectar by kickoff, so I can sing along with Mitch.
But wait!
Did you see the goofy video Hothus put out a couple months back with a closeup of a bathroom sink with a piece of paper in it that reads Chiefs Kingdom? He then proceeds to pour littles cups of water on it, equating each one with fan attributes like loyalty?
“I don’t get it, is that the dumbest things you’ve ever seen?” says one female Chiefs fan upon viewing it. “I thought he was going to add some red dye to the water – Chiefs red – but then it would look like blood and that would be disgusting. And what’s that gold hammer doing by the sink? Either that’s brilliance beyond belief or the dumbest thing in the world.
“It’s like my dad used to say, either dazzle ’em with brilliance or baffle ’em with bullshit. I mean, who sits around in a bathroom with a gold hammer, playing with water in a sink like a little kid…the whole thing is like, what the fuck.”
The bottom line on Holthus to this dedicated Chiefs fan:
“I think at some visceral level he engages the masses, but to me it’s annoying. I hate listening to him. I guess some people love him, but to me it’s really cheesy and stupid and ruins the game.”
So much for the days of Len Dawson and Bill Grigsby, when Chiefs fans would turn up their radios and turn down the sound on their televisions while watching Chiefs games.
Come to think of it, it’s been ages since I’ve heard anyone make that claim.
Wow. Who pissed in your Post Toasties? You know, you don’t HAVE to listen to him. I’m not the biggest fan of Mitch and his over-the-top broadcasting, but I never have to hear a word he says if I don’t want to. Anybody that would choose the Chiefs radio broadcast over Nance & Romo is missing out on the best insight to a football game they will ever get. Romo is absolutely brilliant as an analyst.
Anyways, I will continue to watch the neanderthals from out of town here in flyover country. I mean, with no mountains or oceans or anything what else could there possible be to do? For fucks sake, you’d think we were Green Bay or something.
If you think Bill “Priiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Chopper” Grigsby was the gold standard of Chiefs radio, you have a seriously strange and low bar for broadcasting.
That’s telling me, Jimbo…
Just something that’s been crawling around in my skull that wanted out for some reason.
I was never a wildly huge fan of Dawson and Grigsby – probably more of a draw for older listeners. BUT you totally used to hear people on talk radio and around say how they enjoyed the local radio broadcast more than the TV dudes.
And I guess, Holthus was part of that, too…although the Kingdom and nectar BS seems to be relatively recent.
And you’re also correct on Romo…he’s widely seen as among, if not, the best
Holthus is a giant cheesedick and always has been since his days at ‘Tater University. He’s unlistenable for anyone with a modicum of intelligence. But I’m sure the rubes in Raytown or Independence think he’s spectacular. To be honest, I haven’t listened to a Chiefs radio broadcast since the great Kevin Harlan left for greener pastures.
I wholeheartedly agree with Jim on Nance/Romo. They do an outstanding job. Romo is just flat fantastic..there’s a reason why he’s going to be offered between 10-15 million per year to continue on CBS.
Interesting take, Guy…
To be honest, I never gave Holthus much thought. Obviously Kevin Harlan had far better chops.
Lately though I’ve found myself in the car for part of the Chiefs games and have tuned in. My pet peeve has to be that “sweet nectar” one. But the primal touchdown yell is fairly over-the-top as well.
I was somewhat surprised to learn he was that old and…
Have you seen that bathroom sink video he did online? Man!
Has anyone seen Kerouac lately? I’m concerned he may have taken his life after everyone of his childish, troll-takes exploded in his face.
I gotta feeling he’ll show up…
The $64 million question: Will he become a post Y2K Chiefs fan?
“Has anyone seen Kerouac lately?”
– everyday… wonderful raconteur, Corinthian (sans the leather artifice)
“I’m concerned he may have taken his life”
– Pelosian homage Kerouac/President Trump, same – two Icons, no waiting…
“after everyone of his childish, troll-takes”
– another regular subscriber – so much for the furtive plea/disingenuous claim ‘I never read Kerouac’ (that crooked line forms to the right, around the corner, and down the street…)
“exploded in his face.”
– yes… egg and tears were everywhere – impudence swiss chiefs fandumb by any other, what happened that collective ‘his’, last year ’bout this time? You ‘member… ‘this is our year’, part 2018, verse 49
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Political as football success, perhaps given enough time (‘nother half century), you as the cast 53 ‘I’ndividuals ‘town football favor forgot’, prove eaches case?
Kerouac had a dime for every time that he’s been proven correct, a billionaire in lieu millions… Lord, if only for Hamster – check that – Shawnster’s sake, let me be wrong, just this one time: save our city, KC… am begging you.
Hunt’s Chiefs have been trolling their fan$ for half a century (a lot of time and money the former, if not return on investment the latter.) A blind squirrel trio fandom, ownership as team finally manages locate a single magic bean, would dare to call the last 50 seasons Siberian-winters worth the wait.
Reality: win or lose, anti-climactic… the condemned will have con$umed one more hearty meal, cha ching. Any last words afore one more schicksal befalls?
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“Will he become a post Y2K Chiefs fan?”
– would rather watch Holthus try carry the mic recently retired Hedrick… Lenny D to Otis T today just as yesterday… as Stram who won two/played for three ‘Championships’ his first decade as Chiefs Head Coach, compared Andy Reid, who hasn’t sniffed anything beyond ‘is it soup yet’ kitchen, in more than a score…
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Hmmmmm…
Do I detect a damning by faint praise?
Can’t get nuttin’ past you, HC…
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Nuttin?
You shore?
CAPTION THAT PIC
– when ‘it’s time to put the hammer down’ becomes but a 25th smashed thumb, ER…
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Bloodied stumps those doubly sore, began another quarter century afore… dwindling survivors 18,264 days wondering as they wander the football wilderness, captives the dream scenarios that always become but one more nightmare.
Of song, foreign object and angle: if ‘It Feels Like The First Time’ is because for most folks Foreigner and natives KC, a Superbowl is (ditto bandwagon that appears larger eternal perspective, than ever proves to be, practice.)
Kerouac (profe$$ional the broadcast endeavors) opinion: the stylings Tom Hedrick have yet to be filled by anyone followed him terms play-by-play, ditto he/color man Bill Grigsby who remain a peerless duo (superior as Chiefs teams yore, even if what might’ve been a Championship sextet settled for a dynasty numbered a season one.)
Maybe ‘this’ is our year? That ‘Show Me’ State line forms to the right. Titans already beat the Chiefs earlier (ditto the 49ers pre-season, and the Packers regular, latter in KC.) The odds of any those opponents losing, chancy at best – losing upon a ‘neutral site’, well… KC would have to get there even for a chance to lose/call me no devotee Norman Vincent Peale.
Still, Paris of the Plains salty tears become sweet, swiss chiefs become Champions: do it for Mitch (his once opposable thumb, become stump), and CG/the rest who gave up the ghost waiting ’till next year’, love affair became but habitual despair (nod Kinison, Sam: like any long term relationship.)
BONUS: CAPTION THAT SECOND PIC
– Sisyphus his rock, Holthus drain…
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Perhaps if you dislike sports as much as you do, you should not watch/pay attention…..as much as you do
Well if you’re not certain, Queen Gertrude… protest too, too much that guilty pleasure be Kerouac – verily hanging every word, following oh so closely ‘pon nape mine – wishest thou mightest I leave all that? Hmm… maybe ‘next year!’
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As a neutral fan of an NFC team, Holthus is unlistenable. I have nothing against the Chiefs per se, but holy hell, listening to Holthus as a neutral fan makes you start to hate the team just to turn off the stupid. Chiefs Kingdom is also a stupid concept. What does it really describe, does the team “rule” over the KC area? It is a lame ripoff of “Red Sox” nation. At least fans of a team are kind of like a nation, not really subjects of a king or queen. And the nicknames that no one else but Holthus uses, dear God the nicknames.. the sausage? At least there is not another Centaur or a Cthulu. Wait, there is no way that Holthus could pronounce Cthulu!
Well said, KC…
I mean, not being much of a listener until a couple times recently, I hadn’t given it much thought…but the more I hear back from people, it sounds like there’s a fairly sizable number of people out there of similar thinking.
That said, there must be a sizable contingency of folks who like him, right?
Otherwise the Chiefs would cut and run, one would think…
Unless of course they’ve been hitting the nectar too hard.
“It is a lame ripoff of “Red Sox” nation”
– lame is the name of the game… Abbott & Costello could not unscramble ‘Who’s On First?’, what hope is there the rest us?
Unique? Some ideas seemingly American as apple pie, actually originated elsewhere: the crusty truth, Ancient Greece brought it to America via Dutch and British settlers, or so they say.
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One comedian ripping off another venerable: the Ancient Greek ‘Father of Comedy’ Aristophanes, and his spawn. Describing the ‘Thief of Bad Gag’ aka Milton Berle, another same, ‘Jack Benny’: “When you take a joke away from Milton Berle, it’s not stealing, it’s repossessing.”
Music (Lefty’s area of analysis – and we all know how painful that/he can be) US a “nation” of imposters (they as we to CG, man of (give or take) a thousand blog voices/faces… perhaps.
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Leftovers served ever hungry fan bases, no ‘one nation under’ sport or God – every former throughout every sport embraces such a concept.
Formerly Texans but later Chiefs began in Kansas City ’63 on a horse ‘with’ a name and a rider same: ‘Warpaint’/’Bob Johnson’ – latter more Indian Lies-abeth and Iron Eyes Cody combined.
The original and aft ‘paint horses’ not (as some want to believe) Native American design. ‘Warpaint’ likely an Barb, Andalusian and Arabian bloodline (Kerouac knows this a result ‘lifting’ info elsewhere – it takes a thief, not kin to equestrian hindquarters.)
. . . . .
To be a US made and true original, Johnson might as well have ridden an escalator up and down Municipal Stadium (idea first conceived by a Roxbury, New Hampshire native Nathan Ames, and put into practice those who followed through.)
The warmed over ‘chop’ attributed Florida State University and pilfered by teams Chiefs, Braves, Indians, Redskins – did I miss any/probably – who came second, third, fourth… ad nauseam?
Too, where/who did the Seminoles of FSU ‘steal’ – check that – borrow the idea from? (Hint: woo woo woo woo wooo! ((send complaints to Hearne c/o KCC))
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Rhinestone cowboy to drugstore as wooden Indian Cigar same: ‘there is nothing new under the sun’, to be (practically) Biblical, auto-tune to lip-synch, costume jewelry to fake news, from sea to shining sea.
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Are you people even semi-aware of what’s going on with other teams’ local play-callers? Jim Rome plays some of them the day after and practically every one is just as much a homer as MH.
Look, I don’t listen to him all the time, and esp. today. But he’s what’s been inflicted on us now, been there through all those losing, gut-wrenching seasons and mushy me thinks it’s time he get his SB, too.
Same for Brian Haney at KU.
Totally agree and am indulging in accordance with your opening line.
Rick