Maria: Whipahol Makes Whaves

College students across the nation (except in Kansas) can celebrate the death of Four Loko with the latest and greatest method of booze-assisted suicide: alcohol-infused whipped cream.

I guess you could say that alcohol companies have finally succeeded in creating liquid date rape.

Cleverly dubbed "whipahol", this portmanteau insists that it’s not alcoholic whipped cream but rather, a novelty shot-topper. State officials across our fair country are desperately trying to add whipahol to their collection of forbidden (fermented) fruit – located right behind their fun vacuum. 

Now that I think of it, you could squirt some onto your morning coffee.

It’s like Four Loko was never banned! 

The folks at ABC had the following to say:

"What makes the alcoholic whipped cream particularly dangerous is when it’s sprayed on things like Jell-O shots, which already mask the taste of the high amount of alcohol in them. That allows students to get extremely intoxicated without realizing how much alcohol they’ve consumed."

I had a hard time grasping that people wouldn’t realize that they’re drinking alcohol. Perhaps it’s the odd delivery of the beverage? Or maybe the delicious flavor? Whatever drives the frilly panties up the ass of booze regulators, I wanted to see for myself.

So I went out and bought a can.

After three failed liquor store attempts, I finally found it. Yes, one of the last cans in Kansas.

The liquor store clerk at Cork & Barrel informed me that the stores were allowed to sell the rest of their stock. (How sweet of you, Kansas!) The only flavor left, however, was the daunting raspberry from the brand Cream.

I couldn’t wait to try it. I actually opened it in the car and dispensed it into my mouth like an 8-year-old sneaking into the fridge for some Reddi-Wip. (Is that considered an open container? I’m sure it is.) Shattering my preconceived notions of a delicious drinking medium, I started to gag. It was that terrible. My mouth teemed with a raspberry ethanol cloud, the texture indistinguishable from that of regular whipped cream.

It. Was. Disgusting.

Which brings me to my point: how the hell could people not realize that this stuff is alcoholic? The label announces the 15% alcohol content, 3% lower than the Whipped Lightning brand. Even in a case of looks-can-be-deceiving, the ingestion should dispel any confusion whatsoever. Key word being should. 

Like the Four Loko debacle, these products do not necessarily result in overconsumption. This may be a downer for our friends at the FDA and ABC, but the whipahol trend is but one in a probable succession of alcoholic novelties. No matter what they ban, where there is a will there is a drunk. 

And while we’re at it, let’s ban shoelaces. I mean, people could potentially trip on those and bust up their face. If unlaced, the probability of death is increased exponentially. So instead of teaching people how to tie their shoes, let’s just ban them altogether.

Velcro is cooler anyway, right?