Regardless of the reason, it’s come down to this: you need a family composed of violent strangers whose main concern is territory and biggest threat is the encroachment of law enforcement and/or gentrification.

You’ve come to the right place.

Because, while picking a gang can be as hard as choosing a respected optometrist, it can also be made easier by knowing what each individual club stands for.

And that’s where I come in.

So read, and learn. And with my help, you’re sure to find a crew that fits your specific needs; after all, a gang is like a known vagina. It should fit snugly, but never be a gelatinous, sloppy mess.

Latin Kings:

Formed in the 1940’s in Chicago and composed primarily of Mexican and Puerto Rican teens (duh) the Kings are one of the most devilish gangs to ever bare a bandanna. With 35,000 members nationwide, the LK’s are one of the world’s most popular outfits.

But are they for you?

Well, that’s all a matter of personal opinion, I’d suppose.

Are you Mexican or Puerto Rican? Good! That’s a valuable start. But say you’ve made it that far—meaning, you were born Mexican—well what’s next? What valuable information should you know about your potential lifelong affiliation?

Colors: Black and Gold. This will be exceptionally handy if you attended the University of Missouri—all of your clothes are already black and gold. Nothing to buy!

Symbol: The 5 or 3 point star/crown. You know, whatever you have the most time to graffito tag, I suppose.

Food: Varies. Chili, burritos, Cool Ranch Doritos and pork tenderloins are all favorites of the Latin Kings.

Bitches: Hardcore faction of scary chicks named the Latin Queens. If you’re into Sharpie’d eyebrows, thick makeup, tramp stamps and lollipops, you’ll love the LQ’s. Just be careful to not impregnate an LQ… their brothers HATE that shit!

Crips:

Along with the Bloods and Latin Kings, one of the premiere street gangs in the US. Founded in LA in 1969 by Raymond Washington and Stanley “They Fried My Gangsta Ass/Tookie” Williams, the Crips are one of the most preeminent sources of violence in the nation. With 35,000 members, factions can be found in nearly every crack, crevice and fetus-littered alleyway in the United States.

Colors: Blue, muthfucka. Dodgers? Royals? NY Giants? You’re all covered. Duke Blue Devil fans? Sure, why not. There’s nothing funnier than a gangster in an Ivy league Starter jacket.

Symbol: 5%. No idea what that means…. 5 point star (seems like we need to come to a consensus on who owns this one—or murder each other for the right to use it… gangster’s choice!)

Food: Tilapia, Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. Flavored Jerky. Chipotle.

Bitches: Oh, fo sho.

Bloods:

Started in the early 1970’s by a factional split of the Los Angeles Crips, the Bloods carved their own path of bloody mayhem throughout the west coast crack epidemic of the 80’s and 90’s. Less organized than their sworn enemies the Crips, the Bloods are primarily known for their use of razors in attacks, and their lack of post-secondary education.

Colors: Red all day. Acceptable team-wear includes the St. Louis Cardinals (fucking boo), the Arizona Cardinals (what a joke), Philadelphia Phillies (Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay—both Bloods) and the Detroit Red Wings (black dudes love hockey, right?)

Symbol: 5 pointed star… wait… are you fucking serious? Because if I’m not mistaken, my research has taught me that ALL gangs use the 5 point star. I call that lazy-reppin’. For shame, gangs of America, for shame. Also: the Bloods do that one thing with your hands across your chest that all suburban white kids learn to do when you’re like, 10. You know, where you spell ‘bloods’ with your two hands put together. Would be way cool if every fucking dumb white kid in America couldn’t do it.

Food: Nachos, pizza pie, strawberries and cream, cheese-fries.

Bitches: You’d better believe it. The Baby Bloods are the female faction of the gang, a group of merciless lady-gangsters who are often as vicious—if not more so– than their male counterparts (I made this whole part up).

These are the main three. But what if you haven’t found your niche just yet? Then press on, my friend.

Black P-Stone Rangers:

Formed in 1950’s Chicago in response to the Civil Rights movement (way to keep up the cause, good sirs!), the Black P-Stone Rangers (also known as El Rukn tribe of the Moorish Science Temple of America—not even making this up) sound more like a kidney disease than a gang. I am not afraid of the ‘Black P-Stone Rangers.’ I’m sorry, I know… they’re badass. But while I may indeed be killed by a BPSR, I laugh. I can’t help it. P-Stone? Really fellas?

Folk Nation:

Not really much of a gang. Started in the—you guessed it—70’s, by a bunch of black dudes in—you guessed it again—Chicago—the Folk Nation is mostly not a gang now. And why should they be? “Folk Nation”? Are you fucking kidding? I expect Joni Mitchell to pop out of nowhere and begin a contemplative piece with Pete Seeger’s nephew accompanying her on the organ. Fuck off, Folk Nation. You were lame to begin with. Nobody was impressed.

Conservative Vice Lords:

Started as the Almighty Vice Lord Nation. Where? Take a guess.

Brief aside: What’s wrong with the Windy City? Aside from the Crips and Bloods, all of the stupid-douchey gangs start in the Second City. Maybe it’s a Capone thing.

In any case, the Conservative Vice Lords will always be remembered as the gang with the pussiest name ever. Really, guys? “Conservative”? That’s priceless. I’m glad there are at least 30,000 “conservative” gangsters in Chicago. With murderous tendencies. Hilarious.

United Native Gangster Nation:

Started in the 1980’s by tribal dissidents on Native reservations, the UNGN is primarily a copycat of most modern day gangs. Founded by tribal-junior Zack Wilson (aka Stabbing Bear), the group claims some 300 members, most spread throughout the Upper-Plains. Their mission, as stated by their ‘tribal constitution,’ aims to take back land from the white-devil and get money, ho’s and power, and not necessarily in that order.

Colors: Mostly brown, with a little red and gold thrown in—you know, whatever they can get at the thrift store.

Symbol: Severed buffalo head, inverted pitchfork… lots of weird circles and swirls and shit that nobody understands, but it kinda means something to them, like Chinese characters or whatever.

Food: McDonalds, maize, buffalo steaks, turkey, pumpkin pie, potato casserole, stuffing, cranberry sauce.

Bitches: Eh… that’s such a subjective word, right? I mean, there are some girls, or whatever, but they’re mostly cousins and indiscriminately related kin. I probably wouldn’t mess with any of the Buffalo Bitches. Oh yeah—they’re called ‘Buffalo Bitches.’ You figure that one out.

(Alright…this whole last part about the Native American gang is made up. I just REALLY want there to be a badass Indian gang that would let me join… you know, because I’m a fourth Indian or whatever)

And there you have it. Gangs. You’re either in, or you’re out. And you should be in. Why? Because you’ll never feel more accepted than when you’re a part of a street gang. I promise.