One down, one to go…
Nashville’s Tennessean pitted “Music City” against the Cowtown on fun things to do. It was fun, user-friendly and a big time jinx on the Titans.
Moving right along, comes the San Francisco Chronicle’s tongue-in-cheek diss of Kansas City masquerading as a “49ers fan’s guide to Kansas City, the Soccer Capital of America.
Read on…
“The Super Bowl, 49ers vs. Chiefs will be an epic and titanic tussle involving many sports cliches, begins columnist Scott Ostler.
“But, more important, it will feature a historic civic rivalry between two of America’s greatest cities: San Francisco and Santa Clara.”
Columnist insert: uh-ho, what have we here, another San Franciso’s worst restaurant’s better than KC’s best?
Noop, Ostler’s clever column reminds of when KC’s newspaper of record could afford similar talent.
“This column was going to be one of those dueling columnist things, where I would go against a Kansas City writer, each of us making fun of the other’s city,”Ostler continues. “That didn’t work out, Kansas City’s columnist was too busy on a cattle drive. Besides, he or she would not have known which 49ers’ home city to mock and belittle. Most people outside the Bay Area are unaware that the 49ers play in Santa Clara, known as the City With No Nickname, although its friends sometimes call kit Chip or Lefty.”
“So, today’s column will be simply a beginner’s introduction to Kansas City, a public service to help 49ers fans learn about the city and the people they will spend the next 10 days hating.”
Fair enough, on with the show…
“The two cities – KC and SF – have interesting connections. Kansas City is owned by former San Francisco Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner.
“Walt Disney was born and began his cartooning career in Kansas City. San Francisco has a rodent problem.
“One of Kansas City’s nicknames is the Paris of the Plains. One of the nicknames of Paris is the San Francisco of Europe.
“Kansas City also calls itself the Soccer Capital of America. Apparently the Yo-Yo Capital of America was already taken.
“San Francisco was named for St. Francis of Assisi, who loved animals. Kansas City is famed for its love of animals. Yum!
“You can’t swing a dead cow in Kansas City without hitting a famous barbecue joint. Note: Swinging dead cows is illegal within city limits. The three most famous barbecue joints are Gates Bar-B-Q, Arthur Bryant’s and Jack Stack. Or as they call those three in Kansas City: breakfast, lunch and dinner.
“Most discussions and debates among KC citizens and visitors alike revolve around the preferred spelling of barbecue, and the best joints. Warning: If you are in Kansas City and ask a local to suggest a barbecue restaurant or a vegetarian restaurant, the local will grab your dog and brand him.
“Barbecue is the only food available in Kansas City. And because meat is meat, what distinguishes one famous barbecue joint from another is its distinctive sauce. So, yes, culinary preferences are determined by how you like to mix your ketchup and sugar.
“If you love barbecue – and who doesn’t? – you will die for Kansas City’s most distinctive delicacy, burnt ends, which are the crispiest, tastiest part of a smoked brisket. Brisket, incidentally, is the only thing you can legally smoke in Kansas City. For burnt ends, slow cooking is the secret. The burnt ends you eat today might have been cooking since the ’50s.
“Kansas City also calls itself the City of Fountains. There are hundreds of them all over town, admired for their beauty, as well as their effectiveness in washing barbecue sauce off your hands.
“Both Super Bowl team cities are proud of their literary heritage. San Francisco boasts Mark Twain, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Jack Kerouac and Michael Chabon, among its great writers. Kansas City boasts the people who write Hallmark greeting cards.
“Kansas Citians consider their town a modern metropolis, yet locals are proud of the city’s cowtown past. Until Kansas City’s famed stockyards closed in 1991, the city was pretty much wall-to-wall cows and pigs, few of whom were housebroken. The livestock were shipped in from all over the west and Midwest to be fattened up, then – surprise, fellas! – slaughtered and packed.
“The Great Flood of 1951 devastated the stockyards, which never fully recovered, although the town did smell better for a few days. The cattle industry in Kansas City is now kaput, but the cattle-eating industry is roaring.
“Kansas City has a rich sports heritage. Like San Francisco, Kansas City used to have an NBA team.
“Kansas City is a leading exporter of sports teams. The Kansas City A’s moved to Oakland in 1968 and eventually were replaced by the Royals. The city’s rich legacy of winning – zero NBA titles in 13 years by the NBA Kings, who moved to Sacramento; one Super Bowl title by the Chiefs in 53 years; two World Series titles by the Royals in 51 years – perhaps explains why Kansas City calls itself the Soccer Capital of America.
“The Royals, incidentally, were named in honor of Kansas City’s American Royal, which is an annual horse show, livestock exhibit, rodeo and barbecue competition. Where today’s Best in Show is tomorrow’s burnt ends.”
Ostler’s clever column harks back to the good old days when writers like Jason Whitlock and Greg Hall roamed the halls at 18th and Grand.
These days, Sam Mellinger and Vahe What’s-his-name are content to pen lackluster columns about Chiefs coach Andy Reid having coached San Francisco State.
“Kansas City has a rich sports heritage.”
– made up largely professional teams that other cities did ‘not’ want and/or support:
Philadelphia Athletics (following KC “we’re on to Oakland”/ World Champions x3!)
Dallas Texans rode into town an owner likewise not from, born nor resident hereof: Chiefs nearly went the way Atlanta, New Orleans, Miami and one other*?, say some.
Charles Finley and Lamar Hunt – even a native born owner/team is created (Ewing Kauffman/Royals), someone from somewhere else follows (David Glass, Arkansas)
Even ye olde Kansas City Spurs the NASL were not ours… came here from Chicago; soccer, baseball, football… taken as a whole, a wondrous mix sports carpetbaggery.
Speaking of basketball… “Like San Francisco, Kansas City used to have an NBA team.”
– Kansas City – OMAHA (here we go again – by way CINCINNATI & ROCHESTER) Kings went the way of California too – to become Sacramento’s – Sacré bleu!
“Kansas City is owned by former San Francisco Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner”
– nice! (can’t top that one)
“Kansas City, the Soccer Capital of America.”
– blotter/reportage indicates a number swiss chiefs ‘strikers’ make it so… (or so she said/he said)
“Columnist insert: uh-ho, what have we here, another San Franciso’s worst restaurant’s better than KC’s best?”
– KC diner graduate to San Francisco gourmet, get in touch Bono see whether Steve’s educated taste buds have matriculated further ‘up’ the playing field haute cuisine…
“Ostler’s clever column harks back to the good old days when writers like Jason Whitlock and Greg Hall roamed the halls at 18th and Grand.”
– thank goodness Kerouac stepped in fill the blogdom sports/political void, gratis…
“These days, Sam Mellinger and Vahe What’s-his-name are content to pen lackluster columns about Chiefs coach Andy Reid having coached San Francisco State.”
– another California connection KC! Late Chiefs (by way San Diego) talent man Don Klosterman (grew up ‘Straight Outta’ Compton, California, naturally), had it right…
“Kansas City isn’t so much Heaven or Hell, as purgatory.” – OUCH!
That got Klosterman fired KC in late 1965 – so, he went on from here to there, to even greater success elsewhere: Superbowl win Baltimore, as well other playoff years there as did same in Houston and Los Angeles.
That rumors were circulating the same time (attributed to Klosterman) that the Chiefs might be looking at moving to (one guess*) Anaheim, CA. Attendance in KC spotty (at best), Chiefs QB Pete Beathard as ’66 draftee Mike Garrett both USC stars, made such talk more than idle speculation according some, turn$tile potential The Golden State.
All told, with an leave ’em (more so than love ’em) record like that, a city could get a complex (and I don’t mean ye old Durwood’s Parkway Theatres); still considered an minor league city in many ways, Kansas City… a weigh station from ‘here’ to ‘there’.
God, how I love(d) this town…
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Of course I didn’t read any of that mess…let me guess though, another bad troll-take on the city? What’s he complaining about now? More 60 year old bad takes? So lame, so tired.
Kind of weak sauce for the SF writer.
Sure SF’s restaurants and arts might be a little more diverse or better then KC’s. That was true in Steve Bono’s time and is more likely true today.
And yes KC has a lot of problems. A city this size should NOT have the violent crime and murder rate it has. And yes it would be nice not to go into the corner of the Crossroads to find a nonchain restaurant. But at the end of the day, should a writer of a town that famously has the countries worst homeless problem. Where used drug needles, garbage and human feces are all over the street really talk trash?
Nashville could talk trash. That place is great. SF though? A place that seems proud of it’s homeless problem?
Good points, Word, but…
I think the writer was mostly just having fun and wanted to pull our pigtails a bit.
The Star sports editor responded but lamely, I think.
Will have that up asap
♫ Hamster’s got K under his skin, got me deep ‘side bump shoulders his… ♩ ♪
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