Lexi Thompson
Let’s hope America is coming up for air…
After 20 years of being dominated by “scolds,” once again we’re laughing out loud at the previously “verboten”.
Dave Chappell‘s hilarious attack on the “cancel culture,” revealed that Antifa rebels were little more than brown-shirted, bandwagoning dullards seeking compliance by way violence – approved by the ersatz fascists in Washington D.C.
So, enjoy a guilt free, prurient present this Christmas season!
And maybe, just maybe, we can start telling the truth again.
Here’s one: I love Colin Kaepernick.
Sure, he’s a dimwitted, narcissistic, overrated moron, but at least he opened up my world and forced me to watch the LPGA – that’s right – Ladies Professional Golf Association.
After I gave up on the NFL, I discovered all these gorgeous babes, playing golf on television. Seriously, what could be better than watching golf? I’ll tell you what, watching hot, hot, hot chicks playing golf.
My metoo# guilt was encouraged by puritanical, prudish, progressives, who insisted that pre-op trannies were hot, good old-fashioned, cute GIRLS! Girls who play golf for crying out loud!
So, thanks to Chappelle and Kaepernick, a lovable lout like me can come out of the shadows and drool over girls again.
For 20 years, we guys were Fisher Kings in the dark – guarding a bygone era.
So bring on the babes!
Take LEXI THOMPSON.
At the Indy Women In Tech Championship a couple of months back, she stood on the tee box, twice in a row and slammed a drive, straight down main street, 325 yards.
To give you an idea, of just how cool that is, Jordan Spieth averages 280 off of the tee. And her game is probably the very best over the last three years, she has no weaknesses. I seriously think that she could play on the men’s tour.
HOTNESS: Top 5. Sweet personality and a smile that would melt the heart of Pol Pot.
WHO COULD DATE HER LOCALLY: Patrick Mahomes. That’s it. No one else has the gravitas, the name, or the dough. Other than that, she’s basically out of anyone else’s league in KC.
Michelle Wie
MICHELLE WIE:
She won the US Open in 2014 – she had to – she even gave the men’s tour a shot – but no go.
More recently she’s underperformed, but that’s understandable. She’s so famous she makes money off of just being Michelle Wie. She’s also temperamental and goes through caddies like Grant through Richmond,
HOTNESS: Top 5. The fire may have gone out on the links, but it burns bright in any red-blooded American dude with a pulse. She dresses to kill and looks like a kazillion bucks on the course and has the clothing endorsements to back it up.
WHO CAN DATE HER LOCALLY: Maybe George Brett if he sold his soul to the devil and reclaimed his youth in some Dorian Gray nightmare. No one else.
But she just got married to Jerry West‘s son (of LA Laker fame) in what must surely be the very definition of hypergamy. WTF was she thinking? George Clooney would dump that fishwife he’s stuck with faster than you can say “impeach 45” if he thought he had a shot.
THE JUTANAGARN SISTERS:
Both of them win all the time. They can go deep, have great short games, are unflappable and should win for the next two decades. Bright futures to go with their bright smiles.
HOTNESS: Top 20 only. Look, not everyone can look like Jessica Alba. These chicks are steady and hot like your grandmother’s steam heater in the winter. Ya get to feeling all warm, cozy, sleepy and – next thing you know – you’re in love. Asian chicks dominate the LPGA and these grrrrls are no exception. Come on in guys, the water’s fine.
WHO CAN DATE THEM LOCALLY: Pretty much any hedge fund guy with a portfolio or your buddy who was a pretty good community college soccer star if he looks like Clooney.
Hannah Green
HANNAH GREEN:
She has two victories this year, she’s playing great and should continue to bring home the bacon for the foreseeable future.
HOTNESS: Top 15. Heavy suspension white chick who can push off and push hard. Bring your A-game, she closes hard and never lets up.
WHO CAN DATE HER LOCALLY: Maybe Laurent Duvernay- Tardiff, the offensive tackle for the Chiefs. She’d bear him some fine sons, plus, he’s a doctor. If she wants to walk on the wild side, Tyreek Hill – a pretty solid chick who could probably take a punch.
PORNANONG PHANTLUM:
PORNANONG PHANTLUM:
She hasn’t won shit but is number 9 on the ladies’ Asian tour.
HOTNESS: Her name starts with PORN and she is hot as your mom’s Sunday morning skillet on Thanksgiving weekend. From Thailand, her folks OBVIOUSLY don’t speak English. She can kick all of your friends’ asses on the golf course and is cute, cute, cute as a button. Did I mention that her name, starts with PORN!!! She just HAS to be wonderful.
WHO CAN DATE HER LOCALLY:
The same guys hunting down the Jutanagarn sisters.
PAIGE SPIRANAC:
She was once around 155th on the LPGA tour. She can hang with your local club pro and kick you and your buddies’ asses on any course in town.
HOTNESS: Sweet baby Jesus, this is the hottest chick that EVER picked up a golf club and maybe the hottest chick in the United States of America. She’s been repeatedly reprimanded for wearing skimpy outfits on tour and the LPGA rewrote its rules just to keep her from giving men all over the country – of any age – heart attacks.
Think Lindsey Pelas’ hotter sister who can hit the ball barefooted, 250 yards in lingerie. Seriously, she’s one of the most beautiful chicks on the planet, and, yep, she plays golf! There is a God in heaven.
HONORABLE MENTION: Cheyenne Woods, who hasn’t won at all, but gawd she is hot.
I love me some girls and I love me some golf and the LPGA is the best of both worlds!
CAPTION THOSE PICS (Lowe and behold, were he writing said)
– who doesn’t love a woman with a club in her hand (frying pan/sharp set fingernails unavailable… hands free for holding acceptable, even preferable)
______
The spirit Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, vintage SNL ’75:
Chuck, you un-woke caveman – will that be one lump for you or two? Your morning wood/tee-time article was totally incorrect politically, very male and chauvinistic of you – I’ll give you exactly 10 hours and 45 minutes to stop that…
(PS) though Kerouac is perhaps not yet ready to turn the ‘Page’ pic 6, you did miss one, how I do not know…
https://www.ebay.com/itm/BELEN-MOZO-Poster-LPGA-GOLF-B-Multiple-Sizes-/122039422803
… here’s to all the old school ladies as well, Jan Stephenson and Laura Baugh, et al – malapert as whippersnappers can look them up (and down) on your own time…
😎
Ewwwww! You are soooo gross. Go work your kinks out elsewhere! Perv!
That’s telling him!
Go back in the kitchen and make Chastity Bono a sandwich.
It’s ok for guys to like girls.
Beauty and the Beast [filed under ‘a pro would know’] – while not an LPGA member, Tiger Woods Ex Elin Nordegren reportedly swings a pretty mean nine iron too (this ‘hole in one’ hers, proof):
https://www.tmz.com/2009/12/02/tiger-woods-elin-nordegrin-cadillac-escalade-golf-club-smashed-window-elin-nordegren/
Fore! play? Call it recreation or two consenting adults [freeze frame – actor portrayal], Poessiger missed this one: https://betinternet.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/tw3.jpg
😎
I think she used a 7 iron…, really.
🙂
News reports said it was a 9-iron, but swinging it light of the bloody moon who can say for certain (par for the course, you probably had to be there in order know for sure.)
Then again, the 7-iron is also appropriate when stuck in an tough position the rough or doghouse – strike that – ‘dogleg’.
Kerouac isn’t an expert on any of this (angles of approach or attack – golf or women) but it’s doubtful it was a 7 as that’s a ‘mid iron’ generally for use on the fairway, not the driveway.
The other hand, the 9 is a ‘short iron’, which is an high mass clubhead (used when you just have to connect/cannot afford miss), thus my pick for confidently hitting that ‘sweet spot’.
Still, seeing how she was pregnant, he might have brought a 3-iron down on himself, the ‘golf club guide’ below is accurate:
http://blog.powercram.com/2009/12/angry-wife-golf-club-guide.html
Trial and error, suppose; guess you just never know till you’re in the drivers seat playing the lie so to speak, or, ready to tee-off.
😎
🙂
This, my friend, goes in your Top 2 all time best offerings!
Read your text messages, sometime; you’re missing info and invites!
I agree…
Almost, I think it’s Chuck’s finest hour
Wow mr. lowe you really blew it this time.
Check out the facts before you have something
printed to such a large audience!
But admin says it’s your finest hour.
Hardly.
All these so called gorgeous women would never
have anything to do with men. That’s because if
you did your background checks you’d find out
that most of the women there love women..not men.
Went to the Dinah Shore Classic in Palm Springs
and mr. lowe none of the women were what you
dreamed of and fantasized of at night.
The city, every hotel, every business was filled with
what is referred to as Lesbians. They follow the tour
and are part of the whole golf setup.
I believe nabisco was a sponsor but eventually
“pulled out”.
Heard that there was a tournament that allowed
tour participants to bring significant others and
you can only imagine how that turned out.
So maybe you should stick to your old playboys
and hustlers for that “loving feeling” you get
when dreaming and fantasizing of gorgeous
women.
C’mon, Denny…
Don’t be a spoilsport. At least he can dream!
Dennis, if you hadn’t spent so much time playing “Minecraft” last year in the 2nd grade, your syntax, spelling and stream of consciousness drivel wouldn’t be like deciphering the Rosetta Stone.
As it is, when it does rise to the level of a Bubba Gump bumper sticker, it’s all lies.
I think if Harley and Adam Schiff had a flipper baby, you would be it’s twin.
Now go clean your room and dust off that Jar Jar Binks poster and see if you have enough money for the new Star Wars epic.
Brutal
I NEVAR get texts from you Paul.
🙁
Chuck, I just realized it’s the wrong “Chuck” and your number is gone!
Text me – 913.486.7082
Holy mackerel!
Can’t believe you just outed yourself
Anyone can find my contact info in a 15 sec Google search if they know my name or my company’s name. And since I’ve always used my real name, what’s to “out?” There’s nothing and no one I’m terribly concerned about finding out who I am, or I would have chosen a fake name approach.
Didn’t mean to imply anything negative…just many people like to retain a bit more privacy
Well, that should trigger some people! LOL!
Yeah…, we have really come a long way.
Think of it. A guy admits he loves women of all sizes, types and nationalities and is supposed to live in fear of the “Alphabet People”.
No doubt, I have compounded my sins with the admission of my love for golf.
The world is now run, soup to nuts, by the people who used to rat you out for “talking” when the teacher left the room.
The article was a lark, looking for laughs, but…, the truth is, I actually do watch a ton of LPGA Golf. So do my crusty friends.
Brooke Henderson hits a 47″ driver (2″ over normal.) because she grew up hitting her big sister’s clubs. The stories and the personalities on the LPGA are every bit as interesting as the PGA.
The LPGA, for me, has an emotional effect. I really do like hanging around with girls of all ages and the reasons are obvious, when you think about it.
Girls are a lot nicer, smile more often, are far more polite and very good company.
When you watch the LPGA, you get the same jolt when the athletes compete and do well either unexpectedly, or, as expected, plus, it is couched in femininity. More smiles, nicer players, sweeter dispositions (Most of the time.) and frankly, it is more of an optimistic – feel good experience.
Finally, I make no excuses, NONE at all ever, for liking to look at cute girls of all sizes, ages and again, nationalities. If there is one place on earth, where it seems everyone gets along and plays nice, looks nice and actually is nice, it is the LPGA.
I’m drooling just thinking about it.
No, Lexi could not compete on the PGA tour. She would be at the BOTTOM of average driving distance in the Top 250 in the Men’s World rankings. Please, get serious and stick to rating them by hotness.
325 – Twice in a row.
The wind, the weather, the tour, the LPGA Tour blows around this perfect, perfect, perfect human being.
God and his angels, guard her sacred throne, may she long become it…