Hearne: Once Bitten (by ‘Once’) Twice Shy

It’s like this…

If you consider yourself to be a man’s man – or anything remotely close – there’s really only one reason you should go see the musical “Once,” now though Sunday at the Kauffman Center.

And that’s that if you can determine in advance that your girlfriend, wife, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother – whomever – is dying to see the Tony winning love story about a pair of musicians in Ireland who broke up something like seven or eight years ago.

I interviewed them a few years ago backstage at the Uptown Theater courtesy of Uptown main man Larry Sells.

Once you’ve made that determination, it’s up to you to, you know, extract whatever it is you want or need from said person in order to make up the three hours of utter boredom it’s going to cost you.

Far be it from me to tell you what that might be – blessings to buy Chiefs tickets or go big game hunting – a night of debauchery at Bazooka’s downtown with your peeps in the body shop. That’s up to you; just make sure you get something out of it in return.

And don’t be surprised if whomever it is you bestow this “gift” upon doesn’t try and welch on their part of the deal, after they too find out that “Once” is a snoozer.

Think it’s just me? Think again.

“Tirelessly boring,” reads a one star out of five review on Trip Advisor.

“I haven’t seen ONCE, but from the performances I’ve seen and the music i’ve heard it just seems so boring!” writes EmmaLou on BroadwayWorld.com.
“Dreary Irish music…very heavy brogue..boring characters,” adds another Trip Advisor review.

“Once Too Often: A Wrong Turn on Broadway” reads the headline above Time magazine critic Richard Zoglin‘s 2012 review.

” Not too long ago, the very idea of a Broadway musical adapted from a little Irish film called Once would have been inconceivable,” Zoglin writes. “The 2006 movie was a teensy, micro-budget independent feature about a Dublin street musician and the Czech girl who becomes his inspiration, soulmate and not quite girlfriend. The story is slight to the point of nonexistence, the love affair goes nowhere, and the film’s considerable charm lies almost entirely in its offhand, laid-back street realism — not exactly the theater’s long suit. Once on Broadway? You’re daft, man.

“But Once on stage turns out to be once too often. In ways both obvious and subtle, the charm of the movie has been almost totally lost.”

Allow me to add my sources from last night’s performance – three women of varying ages – who spoke on the condition that their names not be used.

All three, prominent in the arts and theater world, said pretty much the same thing. That it was next to impossible to make out much of the dialogue with the heavy Irish brogues and that overall they were bored nearly to tears.

That of course is no reason a gentlemen should not to take advantage of an obvious opportunity.

All of that said, a nearly sold out audience seemed to eat it up.

Except,] come to think of it, I don’t recall one of those perfunctory Kansas City standing O’s.