Lemme let you guys in on a secret…
If you’ve noticed I’ve been indisposed lately, the reasons are multifold. Starting with I filed for divorce two months ago, listed and sold my five bedroom house in Lawrence, bought and moved into a new, smaller house here in LA, got an Airedale puppy named Charlie, watched my twin 18 year old daughters graduate high school, helped formulate their college plans and took my daughter Savannah on a driving vaca to Orlando…
Oh and one more thing…
I’ve been poking around on a couple of online dating sites. Nothing heavy duty, just window shopping, getting the lay of the land.
And what a landscape. For the uninitiated – and I’m going to venture a wild guess that that includes many if not most of you – it’s, it’s something I can’t describe in a single word.
It’s frightening. It’s exciting. It’s strange, bizarre strange. I’s intoxicating.
And on top of all that, it’s a variation on what passes for “normal,” real life dating. You know, boy meets grrrl (or vice versa). Boy (or grrrl) plays his (or her) best card. One thing leads to another and something either comes of it, or it’s back to square one.
That’s pretty much Craig Glazer’s game and all things considered he’s good at it.
I’ve done pretty well myself overall, but I haven’t played in a few years. I think I’ll be fine though…
With or without running the online dating gauntlet.
In some ways it’s like playing with those old-fashioned flash cards. And once you give your fake name and minimal information (but not your credit card), the game is quickly afoot.
The reason I mention flash cards is that the sites I’ve visited – Are You Interested and Plenty of Fish – feature mini photo profiles that ask if you want to meet the person pictured. Then you have to click, Yes, No or Maybe. Whereupon instantly the next mini pic and profile pops onto the screen and the process is repeated. You can fly through women in this manner at whack-a-mole like speeds.
Which is exactlys what you’re doing, you’re whacking the vast majority of them for reasons I’ll explain in a minute. And you can play this game for like hours on end if you want .
It gives you the powerful feeling of being able to choose whomever you want with a single click.
It doesn’t quite work that way in real life, does it?
Well, it doesn’t work that way on these sites either, because the hottie in your sights has a more than equal say about whacking your mole. And the women who’ve been at this a while play their cards close to the vest. So it’s not like just bumping into someone at a store or on the street, chatting for a few, then meeting for coffee or a drink later. Far from it.
Let me tell you something else about the online romance browsing racket:
By far most of the women on these sites are frightfully unattractive.
So much so it makes you wonder why they pay good money to choke out those awful photos in awful clothes with awful backgrounds, etc, etc., etc.
And I’m trying really hard not to be completely crass.
I used to joke some about the women I’d see at Sam’s Club in Topeka when I lived there for three months a couple years back. But many of the ladies on these sites are in a league of their own.
At this point it’s incumbent upon me to stress that beauty’s only skin deep, but when so many of these scary faces and cleavages come flying past your face at lightening speed, it’s impossible not to cringe.
There are a few roses amongst the many weeds and thorns, but like most flowers that you see in public, you can’t just pick them.
You still have to play the old-fashioned dating game in terms of what you say, how you say it, when you say it and how frequently you contact them, so as not to scare them off. And nobody in the dating pool who is halfway attractive seems to be in any hurry to branch out into emailing or giving out phone numbers, let alone making actual human contact.
Perhaps because they’ve been burned so often.
And it can be an all too time consuming game to play for newbies like me. Because once you start clicking on and sizing up all these women and wondering about their geography – like I have this crush on a woman I accidentally clicked on in Michigan – then trying to closely examine as many pics as possible to get past carefully cropped, flattering photos designed to conceal any tragic flaws, the hours can literally fly by.
The one that got away (Let’s see you land one like this one, Craig)
And after all that, you’re still at Square One.
I’ve not signed up for Match – my ex-wife’s on that one if you’re interested in dragging to Topeka – but from what I’ve seen the aesthetic quality of the women there appears far superior to most others sites.
This whole game started for me a month or so back for me when I was joking with Rob Kiefer of Kief’s Audio Video about him living in Tonganoxie and what the dating scene there must be like.
Next thing I knew, he had me on Farmers Only – that’s right, my entree into online dating started there. I mean, I didn’t sign up, but I still get their junk mail
Another interesting aspect of these dating sites is how the women sometimes play their cards.
You know, the cards God gave them.
I was flashing through a zillion pictures an hour once when I came upon a woman with the largest breasts I’ve ever seen. She posted two pics of herself but in both completely cropped out her entire face except for part of her chin and her lips.
It was kinda like, a come and get it alert for the big boobs crowd.
You never know what card the women online are going to play, from sticking their tongues out like little kids to wearing cheesy and completely inappropriate clothing as precursor to a first date.
I reeled in my first apparent dating catch about 1 a.m. the other night.
It was with a smoking hot 45 year-old KCK woman (who looked closer to 30) who’d never been married, had no kids and claimed she didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. She had a beautiful Middle Eastern countenance to go with a Ghanan name that means something like twin sisters.
How she picked me out of the dude lineup I may never know – but she asked for my contact information and propositioned me off the dating site to get the ball rolling.
It was almost too good to be true.
Then, just like in those days where you’d get a girl’s number at a bar and later nothing would come of it, she dropped from sight.
One minute I’m Leonardo DiCaprio and the game is afoot, the next it’s as if she’d “unfriended” me.
Oh well, can’t win if you don’t play.
Look, I’m not sure I’m cut out for this kind of action. We’ll see. But I’ve been working on something to get back in circulation business- wise that I’ll let you guys in on soon.
You know, where I’m out and about meeting real people in real life instead of on a computer screen.
I gotta tell you though, it may take me awhile for me to get some of these images out my head.
Very sorry to hear about your divorce.
are you already getting a divorce from the Asian woman? She seemed very cool.
Hearne…that’s a real story.
Too bad you went to the wrong place.
Have glaze fix you up with chocolate betty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yep, we were going to keep dating and kind of ride it out, but that wasn’t to Kimberly’s liking. She wanted me all in and I just couldn’t pull the trigger, although I cam close. Life can get pretty complicated at times.
Kimberly was and is VERY cool.In some ways it was a match made in heaven. That heat in the pitch just got a little too hot for me after four years and I needed to bail
I think you already outkicked your coverage with this last chick. How green can that fuk*in grass be?
You might be surprised, Chuck.
You’re right though, Kimberly was a catch. I just couldn’t hold on
Once more into the breach.
we’ve all been there hearne.
hope things get better.
Your friend
Harley
When we exceed the age of 60, we are not the pinacles of beauty we think we are, and, in discussing Ms/Mr Jenner, what makes one think that the ultimate in joy will be a 65 year old woman? Would you date that? Hardly! An old friend in his upper thirties once confided in me that he was thinking off leaving his wife and four kids and moving in with a 20s something he’d met at work. My advice, unheeded of course, was to treat it as two decisions. The sad part was that he needed someone on his arm, not being able to live by himself. Three wives, several girlfriends and two more children later, he had little left.
It is not that you are looking for another wife, a girlfriend, or a sugar baby, but the state of dating is rather superficial. The good news is the quantity, but as you point out, not much in quality. Many years ago, I was fortunate to be able to return to college, ten years after receiving my degree. My advisor was not sure that my English requirement granted in the degree from the same institution ten years earlier would suffice in pursuit of a second degree. I took Freshman English again, as an elective as it turned out. I screwed up the curve. A 35 year old man, having spent 10 years after graduation, in the real world, has a different vocabulary and a different understanding of the world. As a student in Freshman English, I got published. At the time, surrounded by young coeds, however, I came to the understanding that I could survive without having a young thing on my arm. I could live with myself and heal my pain. I could not only suvive, but I could prosper. The fact that you are already out there is one thing, but, at the age of 60+, you will probably not find someone you’re comfortable with, a best friend. You need to be your own best friend, and if someone comes along that fits with you, go for it.
+1
Wise words, Cowboy…
I’m optimistic though, so we’ll see.
My goal is to bring you PCD guys some arm candy at that reunion thingie
They are still talking about the arm candy you brought to the last one, admin.
Wise words, Cowboy. I wish your friend would have listened to you 20+ years ago.
good luck hearne. There’s lots of single women out there for you. Live is
a roller coaster ride….you’ll make it..sorry to hear the news.
and if you need someone to speak with you know where I am.
life sometimes can be oh so tough.
take care!
Harley
Funny guy…
I know where you are…right!
Yeah, you’re hiding out somewhere in Kansas City, probably South Johnson County. Why don’t we meet at our usual meeting place, you know where it is – wink, wink. Just like always.
C’mon man.
What if I really did need you. You know, as a shoulder to cry on. Would you out yourself.
Might lure the writer formerly known as Paul Wilson back into the fold, cause then he could stalk you and live happily ever after.
Shoot, everybody in the comments section dreams of cornering you in some imaginary, altertered state of reality.
Me. I’m okay.
I guess because I know where you are.
Funny guy!
Ive been pretty busy of late; Im grateful Harley can be there for you. I’m sure you guys are at Pierponts for lunch, like usual. I’ll stop by later today.
If harley got wind you were coming or saw you walk in the door he’s scat out of there as if he had a Hemi in there!
hey hearne…heard touches has ladies night
on Tuesdays. U Might start there.
Too late, I already started
truth is admin probably has already started.
With your name in kc you probably will make
glazes standards look like amatuers.
I kow I started another hate rant by the
usuals…but I’ve been thru the whole rig a ma
role of breakin up….its hard….and Im sure
when I run into you you’ll go I KNOW YOU!!!!
hAD A chance to go by glazes place while visiting an old buddy and it does look good.
Get yourself some cowboy boots and hat then head to kanza hall….there were some hotties
there!!!! And if you can two step…you’ll
be the man~!!!!!!
good luck….nevermeant to get everyone upset
….just know the feeling!!!
that kanza
I agree, if Harley knew you were coming, it would look like the azz end of a Japanese Bullet Train.
hearne….if you’re at touches say helo to owner
danny for Harley! He’ll take care of you…
great guy from the old brothers 3 bar.
Thats why he’s never stood behind the countless beers he’s offered to buy…
If you only had a nickel for every time he offered to buy you a beer. What if a judge actually held the herlinator to that promise?
come by sometime…you kno where I live…
we’ll havea beer…..
Harley
If you saw me at your front door Harley you’d either race out the back or dial 911.
I’d like to think you’d limit your options to one of those two
I got cold beer. You said you knew where I lived
so I kept it cold Wilson.
but now I’m going to get your favorite bread pudding…
not afraid to meet you….we’d have some fun….and
we could trade old war stories about people we
both knew.
no big deal..I’ll probably be sgning off soon because
of a move…so hope to one day meet the famous
Wilson.
just felt bad for you hearne. Nothing more.
life isa roller coaster and you hope the highs are’t too high and the lows
aren’t too low.
nothing more to say…but wish ya luck whatever direction you go.
we have met…actually at pierpoints in union station and actuallt
had a good time with our host nd hostess…
no bad blood here….this is for fun and entertainment…but sometimes
you read abut someones downslide and you feel for them.
when wilsons mom died..i felt his pain….and expressed condolences
so as always take care of yourself….
your friend
Harley
and the comments from chuckles and wislon are so immature. I’m not
out to get anyone physically….because that’s not the way I work.
Wilson and chuckie have shown their rage and hatred onblogs…I m not
into that…maybe a few one liners or jabs but nowhere near te hate
and rage and comments I’ve seen from Wilson and chuck.
take care…smile….we’re here for a short time…enjoy the time!!!!!!!!!!
harley
WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU HEARNE….no 911…
no running….you’d freak out when you sawme and go I KNOW YOU!!!! and we’d both laugh! take care….I’m sure we’ll meet
agin….
I doubt it. I’m not that good with faces and names of people I’ve only met briefly or randomly
you remember Harley.. we all were with jimmy
…had a good time…
and we talked bout your column.
you were “the man” in kc then.
Interesting topic, Hearne. I can’t wait to read further about your experiences in online dating now that you are back in the game. However, after knowing you for the length of time I have, you never really left the game imho.
First, a bit of full disclosure. I’m certainly no expert in dating, online or otherwise as I’ve been together with my bride for over 40 years; 8 in cohabitation and then 30+ in marriage. Playing games is not in my DNA but I get it that others ( maybe Hearne and Craig among others) crave the thrill of the hunt. Certainly we all make our initial judgement of others based on appearance, and what one sees as attractive is very individualized. If one rates attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10 ( in my world there are no 10’s and no 1’s, just like in life, there is no complete black or white, everything is a shade of gray) we all seek 8’s and 9’s . Personality , once you get to know, can move that scale 2-3 points up or down. Just seems to me that online dating would cause one to eliminate a substantial number of winning possibilities right out of the gate as well as including a substantial number of candidates that create no chance of success once you take the next step. The risk/reward ratio appears to be heavily stacked against you. However, if you are one that enjoys that “competition” , you have my best wishes for success. Chuck touched on it above. While you don’t realize it at the time, very often the grass in your yard is a lot greener than the grass in your neighbor’s yard.
Cowboy gave some very sage advice above. Maybe he should be in your stable of writers.
Hearne of course I am sorry for you and Kimberly. Most of us just weren’t made for marriage. It’s tough, very tough. When we have the one we want we are bored, and look around for the ‘right’ one…there is no answer..wish there were. We never stop looking til we die I guess….I’ve had as you know a couple I was in deep love with even Nicci recently…but I could never stay put…Connie was a great girl too, I don’t have the answer pal, wish I did.
The girl in red. The one that got away. I found her 🙂