Hearne: How to Take a Driving Vacation to Orlando…

Who drives anywhere anymore besides me?

On one hand, I remember being in the back of station wagons and cars while my parents shuttled my sisters and me to places like Michigan and the Ozarks. On the other, my dad had been a flight instructor in the Navy and co-owned an airplane with a doctor friend at St. Luke’s, so I was airborne probably more than most from a very early age.

But following a rash of commercial airline incidents and the birth of my twin daughters Liza and Savannah in the late ’90s, I decided to roll the dice and save a few bucks by sticking mostly to the highways and leaving the skyways to high rollers like Craig, Jack, Paul Wilson and Harley.

It’s a habit I’ve yet to fully shake.

So when my daughter Savannah wanted a post high school graduation taste of Universal Studios in Orlando, I did what any self-respecting 1960s or ’70s dad would do; dropped the puppy off at a pet camp, plugged in the Garmin, gassed up the trusty FIAT and hit the road.

It’s like this, I figure…

You experience and learn a lot more when you travel by land than air. Plus I’ve always had the stamina to effortlessly handle long, perilous drives.

I don’t want to brag, but one time I checked out of a gay bed and breakfast with my wife in Key West and drove nonstop back to our house in Kansas. You know, other than gas and food and coffee stops.

One also learns and experiences how things can be better and smarter.

For example, Florida’s big trucks are not allowed in the left lane.

Ever try and navigate I-70 when those lumbering behemoths are locked in side-by-side, endlessly trying to pass one another at a snail’s pace while making everyone else on the road slow down and wait?

Doesn’t happen on the highways I drove on from Orlando to Valdosta.

Nice.

It’s not quite as good in  Georgia, but almost.

In Georgia trucks are verboten from inhabiting the far left lane if they have more than six wheels.  So it’s kinda the same thing.

Be nice if somebody tamed those rude Missouri and Kansas truckers.

We’d save a ton of gas and it’d be safer and far less annoying not having them pull out in front of other cars suddenly, then tie up traffic for five minutes while they struggled to go maybe a half mile and hour faster than the truck they’re trying to pass.

And on some Tennessee highways you’ve got to have two people in a car or be on a motorcycle to use the left lane.

Which encourages people to conserve fuel and keep the air cleaner by not sitting there by their lonesomes in gas guzzling SUVs. Smart thinking, Vols.

I also liked the left lane restriction only “inherently low emission vehicles allowed,” but I was a little confused about the word “inherently.”

I mean, I figured that they meant me.

I averaged 33 miles-per-gallon on the cheapest gas and Green Car Reports nominated the little Fiat 500 as “best car to buy” in 2012.

Still, “inherently” seemed vague and troubling. So finally I looked it up, which didn’t much help:

“Existing in someone or something as a permanent and inseparable element, quality, or attribute.”

See what I mean?

So yeah, you can learn stuff on road trip even though it can get a little confusing at times. Maybe some of the highway overlords in Missouri and Kansas should do a little highway traveling and try some this these ideas out on us. Just a thought.

Look, I’m still tripping for another day, so I’ve got to get rolling. But I’ll be back tomorrow and get back into the swing of things after I share a few secrets about Orlando and why why you may or may not want to visit there and how to play it if you do.

You won’t learn that shit from Jack cause he’s a cruise whore.

I’ll also learn you about how some other daily newspapers are playing it differently (and better) than our beloved proctors at the dear, old Kansas City Star.

10-4, good buddies…