Recent studies have shown that, scientifically, most people were born with a mother. (Or born from a mother? Born OF a mother? Whatever.)
Furthermore, a 1998 survey by research doctors in the field of science shows that most people keep their mothers for most of their lives.
Mothers, it would seem, are important.
So once a year, we decide to let our mothers know how much they mean to us by buying them fancy furs and luxury cars. Or we get them a homemade card where we misspell their name, gifted in tandem with a macaroni-art portrait of a blob that is supposed to resemble them. Because the thing is, we’re all cash-strapped thanks to Obamacare and Stock Markets so maybe a coffee mug made out of mud from my backyard is the BEST I CAN DO, MOM, FUCKING JESUS CHRIST!
Anyway, if you don’t have money for fur or a Mercedes or even an oven in which to bake your mud mug, you can always rely on Craigslist.
Let’s go shopping for our moms!
MOTHER’S DAY FLOWERS & PLANTS (BRASS ARMADILLO)
“WE ARE SELLING A LARGE SELECTION OF FLOWERS & PLANTS TO OUR ANTIQUE MALL SHOPPERS FOR YOUR MOM ON THIS MAY 10TH, MOTHER’S DAY…
ASK ONE OF OUR ASSOCIATES AT THE FRONT DESK FOR ASSISTANCE..”
1) HEY BRASS ARMADILLO: STOP YELLING AT ME.
2) “Brass Armadillo” is a good name for a strange strip club.
3) If you’re going to use such a bizarre, busted syntax– “…to out antique mall shoppers for your mom on this May 10th, Mother’s Day…”– maybe you just shouldn’t advertise online. (Wait, is this is even “advertising”? Holy shit, I think it is.)
Jinky Winky’s Little Red Wagon – $18 (Overland Park)
“A darling way to display pots of pretty flowers on your porch or patio! The vintage style label on the front of the wagon’s bed adds to the “cute” factor! The bright red, satin finish stain allows the wood’s “natural complexion” to show thru. Length 16″, width 10″, depth of wagon bed 3 3/4″, from bottom of 2″ diameter wheel to top of wagon bed 5 3/4″. Mother’s Day is May 10! Only 3 available – $18.00 each! Pick up 87th/Antioch area in Overland Park, KS. “
Mother FUCKER, is this ever creepy. What in the great name of Satan is a “Jinky Winky”? That’s some sick, clown-related sex move, right? Pass.
Unopened bag of chocolate Shakeology – $100 (overland park)
“Unopened bag of chocolate shakeology up for grabs!”
I think this is technically the closest you can get to “chocolate” on Craigslist, buy holy shit seriously what IS this stuff? For $100? Ugh.
chocolate shakeology – $100 (does moines)
“Anybody have any regular or vegan chocolate shakeology And will be in the does Moines area? I’m wanting 1-2 bags…”
OK, I’m on a tangent here but SERIOUSLY, what in the hell IS this shit? This is drugs, right? Like, internet code for drugs? Because why would anyone buy shake-mix in a bag for $100??? WTF. Anyway, I give up. Buy your mom chocolate at CVS instead. Don’t waste $100 on a bad of… whatever. (Side note: I love Does Moines. Fun towen.)
Rare Vintage Toms 10-Cent Candy Peanut Sandwich Machine (“MAIN STREET” DOWNTOWN BELTON MO. BEST KEPT SECRET!)
“Rare Vintage Toms 10-Cent Candy Peanut Sandwich Machine.
“MAIN STREET” DOWNTOWN BELTON MO. BEST KEPT SECRET!
Please give me a call if interested as I don’t answer emails or text.
$1195. obo Partial trades considered!”
Maybe your mom likes candy and you want something unique. Well, this is certainly candy related. I might, however, offer the people POSTING ON THE INTERNET one piece of advice: if your business model is “I don’t answer emails or texts,” perhaps you shouldn’t be wheeling and dealing ON THE INTERNET. You’re welcome, MAIN STREET DOWNTOWN BELTON MO.
Never opened – Jean Paul gaultier perfume – $5
“never opened – still in cool container – Jean Paul Gaultier “classique” female bodice shaped perfume.$5 West plaza area – need gone this weekend.”
Moms love to smell like perfume. So get her some perfume already, you turkey! Anyway, my favorite part about this ad is the “need gone this weekend” addendum at the end. For real? It’s a fucking perfume bottle. It takes up almost NO space. You could literally move into a refrigerator box and have room for your Jean Paul Gaultier bottle. Seems fishy.
BRAND NEW PERFUMES – $30 (KCMO)
“I have several brand new name brand high end perfumes, most are still in original box. Here is what I currently have, Calvin Klein “Euphoria” 3.4 0z new in the box. Retails for $ 88 Im asking 30 I have Juicy Couture “Viva La juicy” 3.4 0z It retails for 100 Im asking 35 its new in the box. I have Vera Wang 3.4 0z its a tester but not used. Im asking 30 for it. I have Ralph Lauren “Midnight” 3.4 0z new in box.
Retails for 88 im asking 30 I have Marc Jacobs “Honey” 3.4 oz new in box. It retails for 60 im asking 30. I have Donna Karen “Liquid Cashmere” 3.4 0z new in box, it retails for 100 im asking 40 I have Michael Kors “White” 3.4 0z new in the box, it retails for 100 im asking 40 I live in kcmo and have a flexible schedule. If i havent listed your favorite perfume, let me know what your looking for and i could possibly get it for less!!!”
Speaking of fishy, would you like to go to 20th and Askew with a bunch of cash in order to buy some perfume? Nah, you probably wouldn’t get murdered or robbed or both. Totally safe. Totally legit.
Royals Coffee Table – $125 (Olathe)
“Perfect for the avid Royals fan. Would make a great gift for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. 40″X20″ by 17″ height. Call or text Roger”
Here mom, I bought you this hideous garbage from the internet! Just kidding, this is a great Mother’s Day gift for your mom if she is a 4-year-old boy. If she’s not, welp.
New Ladies Purse – $20 (Shawnee)
“I have brand new purse selling for $20. Never been used. Good for Mother day’s gift. Email/text if interested.”
This isn’t a particularly good or bad gift, I just like it because the purse looks like a face. LOLZZZ.
Boston Terrier Puppy – $10 (KC area)
“I’d like a puppy for Mother’s day – male – little to no shedding- thanks!”
This is either a mom asking for a puppy herself, or a kid/husband pleading for a $10 puppy for mom. Either way, this is terribly sad and kind of depressing and goddamn do I want to buy this person a puppy. Too bad I spent all of my puppy-money on bags and bags of Shakeology.
Two Authentic Signed Joe Montana KC Chiefs Football Cards – $1 (Overland Park)
“I have both of these up for sale. Up for reasonable offers. I do know they have some value, so do not low ball me. I know they are authentic b/c he signed them right in front of me. Can buy one or both. Willing to separate but don’t really want too. These cards have not been taken out of the plastic case since that day…….Anyways, I hate the Cheifs, always have…..however, my mother had a major crush on Joe Montana and she’s no longer alive. Would enjoy the cash much better. Cash only/no trades Call/Text Carissa.”
This isn’t even related to Mother’s Day necessarily, but it came up when I keyword searched “Mother’s Day.” Anyway, all I want to know is, was the mom’s crush on Joe Montana what ultimately led to her death? Because that’s kind of how it sounds. And I feel like THAT’S the real story here. JOE MONTANA IS OFFING MOMS, Y’ALL.
Anyway, happy Mother’s Day, everybody!
Absolutely no reason for you to take the Lord’s name in vain.
Shame on you.
Jesus H. Kee-rist!
The hate against Christians displayed by Brandon is despicable. We won’t see the same hate directed against Jews, and certainly not against Islam. KCC did a whole article on the Freedom of Expression supporting Mrs. Geller without posting a picture of Muhammed, but on a weekly basis we can count on Brandon’s hate of Christianity to be front and center on display.
Why is it KCC will not display a caricature of the Prophet Muhammed, but will callously spew hurtful slurs against Christians? Is it because there is comfort in knowing you are safe in doing so? Knowing that Christians will not behead you, or blow up place of work. A less intelligent man than I may infer that the sword is mightier than the pen. That the only way to avoid the chains is with the sword. Why else would Allah be respected while Our Lord Jesus Christ is desecrated?
Was this article enhanced by the use of such insensitivity?
I despise all religions equally. Thanks.
This is the most insane overreaction to the casual use of “Jesus Christ” in a blog post about buying your mom a crappy Mother’s Day gift ever, in the history of the Internet. Hopefully Jesus read this and all that ass kissing didn’t go to waste.
Thanks. That’s what I was thinking. I felt like this was mistakenly posted on the 700 Club’s page or something. (That’s the best religious reference I could come up with this early in the morning.)
I dare you to publish an image of Mohammed. If you don’t everyone will know what kind of coward you are — the worst kind.
Yahwehdamint overreact much? Everything that comes out of anonChristians mouth isnt an attack on Christianity. Lighten the fuk up.
PS Thats about all the defense I can give you Lefty. Beings youre going to hell, I dont want to get to wrapped up in defending an Atheist Sodomite. Funny stuff though, blasphemy aside. natch
I read through Brandon’s articles this year since I didn’t believe the weekly claim from the original poster. I found 18 derogatory comments against God in his 18 articles. 0 (ZERO) references to Islam, 15 references against God in general and 3 statements that borderline on just being an asshole. Christicles, Christ’s nuts and Jesus f’ing Christ.
+1000
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZCNSS-DRTs
Hey, you should talk, criticizing Does Moines. This thing had so many typos it was distracting.
+1 to Jack’s remark.
Can you explain how I criticized Des Moines? I like Des Moines, kind of like I said in the piece.
Haha. Wait, I see what you did there. And yeah, I think I said “bad” instead of “bag” and “out” instead of “our.” What a mess. I certainly hope my editor gets astern talking-to.
*a stern. I can’t win for losing.
Tough crowd! Jesus…
Oops…
The coffee mug made out of mud— 🙂
F*ck Mohammed in his pederast azz.
http://conservativepapers.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Mohammad-and-Aiesha.jpg
This has certainly turned into one of the weirdest comment sections on one of my stories, for sure. I should apparently learn to be a little more like our Muslim brethren and silence myself. They hate depictions of Mohammed and many of these guys feel the same about someone saying Jesus Christ. We’re really not all that different I suppose.
I celebrate your works of fiction, Lefty. Saved by the Bell erotic literature is not my cup of tea, but to each their own. I wish you a million successes in life.
On a lighter note, the only thing weird about this comment section is the number of comments you’ve gotten. Well above the 14 comments you average per story this year. Perhaps Mr. Christopher should offer you a bonus.
There is no straight line reference from “Swearing” and “Taking the lord’s name in vain” to a repudiation of our Judeo/Christian ethos and support for the American nation.
Cussing is as American as Apple Pie and while many consider it churlish and intemperate, it is a part of life in these United States.
God Bless America mother*kers!
Where’s the Mohammed image?
You had time to mock God and yet you take no time to publish an image of Mohammed.
I assume you are a chicken and scared of Muslims.
Maybe you could put the image of Mohammed in a jar of urine.
Nope, hanging out with my mom today. You know, like a normal person. You’re starting to sound a little insane, Jack. Take care!
Chicken! It’s ok for jerks like you to make fun of Jesus Christ and Christians but you turn chicken when confronted by a Muslim.
You and Obama are cut out of the same cloth. Butt brothers.
Bet you don’t repeat that slur in front of Mom today, she would probably wash your mouth out with soap
Jack,
If you were a slave, would you wish slavery on others to make yourself feel better? Knowing what it is like to have others flippantly dismiss my religion prevents me from wishing that upon other god-fearing folk.
That gets us no where. Would it make you feel better for other religious folk to be persecuted like us? Or have you forgotten that Islam is one of the Abrahamic religions along with Judaism and Christianity. Mr. Christoper may not respect the radical islamists, but he does fear them. Mr. Christopher, like most publishers, is aware of the standing hit list that registers every known publisher of depictions of Muhammed. He is also aware that this is not some list to be taken lightly. That attempts are made on the lives of the publishers on this list, that these publishers face the realities of thier inclusion every day, and that it is a list that will change a person’s life. As a Christian I would never ask Mr. Christopher to put his life in danger by posting such a caricature.
The OP is a coward. Big tough guy who will beat up on people he knows won’t hurt him. Only crazy Muslims would do him harm.
He needs to clean up his article and promise not to write such filth again.
An honest publication would treat every religion equally.
Lighten up Jack. You’re as bad as the muslim fanatics. I have a feeling that if the Pope asked you to, you’d be out there waging jihad on muslims.
How can you say Jack is as bad as the radical islamists? The whole point I am making, and I believe Jack is making, is that BECAUSE WE ARE NOT as bad as the radical islamists people like Leftridge think it is ok and socially acceptable to make fun of someone and their religion. If Jack and other Christians were “as bad” as the radical islamists, rest assured, Lefty would think twice before making those kind of hurtful statements.
As to your “feeling”…. Yes, If the Pope asked me to wage “jihad” against muslims I would comply. Given the circumstances and after thoughtful reflection and prayer, I would follow the commands of God’s representative on Earth. Just like Abraham was willing to kill his own son at God’s request. But dealing in “what if’s” is a dangerous road to follow. The Holy Father hasn’t called for any violence. In fact, just the opposite, he calls for tolerance and acceptance since we are all sinners.
So you’re no different than the muslims that wage jihad because their religous advisor (imam?) told them to.
It seems you should cut those evil muslims a bit of slack.
There, but for the grace of God (or the Pope), go I…
Nope, not going to lighten up. The author refuses to apologize, clean up his article or publish an image of Mohammed. It’s time to take a stand. I’m not going to kill or hurt anyone but I do expect a person who write words that don’t need to be said.
The author throws around words that make him sound cool to atheists and haters of Christianity — which I’m sure many Muslim like and enjoy.
Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not a big ‘C’ Catholic.
I have a feeling that if the President asked Phaedrus to, she’d be out there waging jihad on the muslims. Assuming by jihad you mean war since their is no such thing as “jihad” in government or Christianity.
For God AND Country
And no one said anything about muslims being evil… Work on ur reading comphrehension.
There, but for the Grace of God (or Obama/BushII/Clinton/BushIII), go I.
DonHampton,
Thanks for the support. I would answer the call of my President, also. After asking for a religious exemption, I would render unto Ceasar, what is Ceasar’s.
Phaedrus’ use of hypotheticals is unfair. Just War Theory v Jihad…. In the real world it is reasonable to assume the Pope would not call for war unless something was so egregious, in which case, the USA would probably have already begun a military campaign.
I can’t even…
…is this serious?
“Clean up this filth”? Jack, there are a lot of websites on the Internet. If you’re this easily offended, perhaps you need to be more selective in what you choose to read.
Have a great day. Sincerely. I mean that.
Where’s the image of Mohammed?
Are you a frightened man?
Jack, you’re really giving Christians a great name right now. what an embarrassing episode.
Stomper will understand…hatched.
hm… I can’t tell what the ‘f is going on here. sarcasm in spades? serious discussions about deity’s? really? on a story about crap for sale on craigslist? either way, seems way off base regarding the topic of the post.
so curiosity got the better of me… shakeology is selling on amazon for $129 a bag. so, $100 is something of a bargain I suppose. here in part is what it is:
“Shakeology contains over 70 healthy ingredients from around the world, including super-proteins, super-fruits, antioxidants, supergreens, phytonutrients, 9 adaptogen herbs (more than any other shake!), pre- and probiotics, and digestive enzymes.
Sweet and decadent, every bag of decadent Chocolate Shakeology contains a 30 day supply.”
so, not just an American product, but a WORLD product. very inclusive!
BUT…two very unexpected findings while researching this stuff. if you study the picture on the bag closely, you can absolutely make out an image of Mohammed…AND Jesus! I think I could tell them apart…
This is the best.
Soooo, this Shake crap is basically some whey protein mixed with cocoa and meth for the high energy kick. Perfect for the Does Moines WT trailer mom trying to shed those extra baby pounds.
not for $129 a bag, dude. unless, of course, other, smaller bags of substances and chemicals are involved.
WTF? Kcc GOES CRAZY!!!!!!!
Let it be known that Harley loves all humans….Christians…atheists…catholics..muslims…arabs…irqauis….Iranians….
germans….Englishmen….Scotsmen….Russians….islamists.
But I do not agree with those who use their religion to kill others.
All gods are good. The bible/torah/Koran…they can be twisted by evil doers
to make any action seem reasonable…even bad actions.
Thank god I’m not in this conversation.
God (all gods) do not make junk!
God bless everyone!
Your friend Harley
Do you agree with those who use government to kill others? All governments think they are good. The Constitution/laws can be twisted by evil doers to make any action seem reasonable, even bad actions. See the warrantless killing of American citizens by the President, see the warrantless collection of data on all Americans, see the government of Iran/N. Korea/Africa (somalia, sudan, etc)/Syria.
These are not evils inherent to religion or government but inherent among humanity. Just like guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Religion doesn’t kill people, people kill people.
Wow, Brandon. Without even trying, you generated some serious passion here, in terms of comments. Personally I think it got crazy real quick but who am I to judge the perceptions of others. However I do think, in the big picture, religion seems to serve as more of a divider among people than as a uniter . It did make for some interesting reading, for sure. And all in the name of Mother’s Day. I don’t think Jack would take it to the next level but you may want to sneak a peek under your car before starting it for the next few weeks. 🙂
I know you’re only kidding– kind of– but people like that scare me just as much as any “foreign A-rab Mooslem terrorist.”
Why the (“”) quotation marks? Are you quoting somebody? No one on here called anyone a “mooslem” or used that phrase, except for you. ctr-F and type in “mooslem” and you will see you are the only one.
Your fears are baseless, but for all I know, you may be afraid of horse flies too. However, if you really are “scare[d]” as much of these people as much as any “foreign A-rab Mooslem terrorist” then we can look forward to future satirical literature that refrains from unneccessary slurs. And I will enjoy that because you can be rather witty sometimes.