***This piece was originally scheduled to run Saturday, May 2nd. Oops.***
There’s a boxing contest tonight, and according to those who know these sort of things, it’s the biggest match since “Gentleman” George Gagland fought “Irish” Mickey O’Syphilis for two consecutive days at the Poughkeepsie Fairgrounds in 1909. (RIP O’Syphillis.)
You’ve probably heard the staggering numbers—winner AND loser each stand to make nine digits, Vegas is expecting $70mil in bets, 3 million people will shell out of the pay-per-view—but really it is only the last fact that is of any consequence to you.
Will you be one of those 3,000,000 people dropping $100 to watch two small, solidly built men pound the shit out of each other for upwards of 12 rounds? Well, you shouldn’t be. Here’s why this whole thing sucks.
1) Mayweather is an unrepentant asshole. And I know, I know—if we only paid to watch nice guys participate in athletics (or make movies, or play music)—we’d be stuck watching Christian League Curling. (You know, the CLC.) But: Floyd Mayweather is a GIGANTIC asshole. He’s a serial abuser of women who continually and ridiculously maintains his innocence. He is full of shit and should have his dick ripped off and fed to wolverines. (If you haven’t already, and you feel like ruining your day, go read his son’s account of witnessing his dad beat the shit out of his mom.)
2) This fight won’t be great, and certainly not worth $100. Manny Pacquiao is far from the fighter he used to be— back when he could have feasibly posed a real threat to Mayweather—and given Floyd’s boring (but amazingly effective) style, this will probably just end up being a long and boring fight that will appeal only to hardcore boxing nerds who enjoy things like “footwork” and “impenetrable defense.” You know, the kind of people who use the phrase “the sweet science” without a hint of irony.
3) Floyd Mayweather will win this fight, and it probably won’t be that close. It also won’t be exciting, though. See number two.
4) Did I mention that Mayweather is the Biggest Piece of Shit in the World? Sports reporters Rachel Nichols and Michelle Beadle have both been banned from MGM Grand Arena tonight by Mayweather’s camp due to their critical reporting on the needle-dicked woman hitter. Oh, he also announced that, with his winnings, he will bail Other Huge Piece of Shit Suge Knight out of jail, presumably so they can go kill people and hit women in the face. Fuck both of those guys. Hard.
5) If we all just pooled the money we were going to spend on the PPV, we could probably find someone to rip Mayweather’s dick off and feed it to wolverines. Because that would be fucking hilarious.
Look, I know you’re going to watch this fight anyway. That’s fine. All I ask is that you think long and hard about it first. Also, please consider contributing to my GoFundMe page to hire a Brazillian hitman to cut off Mayweather’s genitals and feed them to wolverines.
Thanks!
The Mayweather formula as of late comes down to two things- 1) Wait until said boxer is beyond their prime or before it happens and box them. 2) Collect money.
It works. Who can argue?
People that like the sport of boxing. This kind of crap is not creating any new fans and only hurts the sport.
yep.. as pretty much EVERYBODY was thinking — Mayweather in a decision–
for a guy who acts like a crack-head — I will give the Dbag Floyd props for a shrewd, effective –but booooring -defensive , counter-punching style–hey–48-0..it works.
and – the serial abuser scumbag is walking away with as much as $180 million for his blocking punches for 45 minutes.
hey… who said life is fair?
Oh yeah, his gameplan has always been nothing short of brilliant. Too bad nobody was ever able to get to him and lay him out.
heres the deal..
all these guys are going to suffer severe head problems in future.
so mayweather figures he candance his way to 100 million in an hour
without getting hit too many times.
I think its a smart strategy.
But he’s a full fledged loser. Manny’s money goes to the church and
helping the poor. Floyds goesto getting suge out of jail then forgetting
again where he parked his 150k Mercedes. Mayweather is already having
head problems.
But people are anxious for this type of fight….and they got what they
deserved.
adull boring mess.
and now people are suing pac for his pre fight injury.
Wow….where’s tommy Morrison when we need him?
hahahaha
Brandon, i think the better idea would be to let the wolverine do it…
and i quote:
“The wolverine is a powerful and versatile predator and scavenger. Prey mainly consists of small to medium-sized mammals, but the wolverine has been recorded killing prey such as adult deer that are many times larger than itself. Prey species include porcupines, squirrels, beavers, marmots, rabbits, voles, mice, shrews, lemmings, caribou, roe deer, white-tailed deer, mule deer, sheep, moose, and elk. Smaller predators are occasionally preyed on, including martens, mink, foxes, Eurasian lynx, weasels, coyote and wolf pups, and dismembered penises and testicles of serial women-beating assholes.
All net, Mike!
and this just in… the newest member of the Wolverine Club:
“An Anne Arundel County Maryland cop in Baltimore to celebrate Cinco de Mayo on Tuesday bit another man’s testicles during a brawl over a woman, authorities said Wednesday.
“Michael Flaig, 30, was charged with assault after the fight Tuesday night in the alley behind Looney’s Pub in Baltimore’s South Linwood neighborhood.”
i’m sure the pub’s name had nothing to do with it…
Excellent.
http://deadspin.com/heres-floyd-mayweathers-sons-note-telling-how-his-dad-b-1701548806
I’m with you, dude.
Coward. C-O-W-A-R-D.
+1
The last thing I would ever call Floyd is a W-I-N-N-E-R.
This is why boxing is dying and MMA is just getting bigger. This fight would be like paying $100 a pop to watch Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock fight today, would not be very interesting to anyone but the most hardcore fight fans. Boxing made a huge mistake with that fight, I bet people will not pay the bucks to watch that crap ever again.
Good point, but did they really make any sort of mistake? I mean they still raked in the virtual equivalent of a mid-sized nation’s GDP. If boxing is dying, it’s dying; this may have just been everyone stuffing their pockets with cash before jumping from the sinking ship.