Over the past decade or two, manmade global warming – aka AGW – has become a culpable cultural credo…
Yet all too often, the focus has been on the negative side of this much maligned malady.
However as we all know, every dark cloud has its silver lining.
And global warming’s no exception.
If there wasn’t a humorous angle, I’d have nothing to write about. I’d just be sitting here fat, dumb and happy, waiting on the next ice age prediction (like the one we barely survived in the 70’s).
So lighten up, it’s not like it’s the end of the world.
For years scientists have bogusly claimed AGW will cause a rise in hurricanes.
Yet a new study in the journal Geophysical Research Letters says warmer temperatures will actually decrease the amount of hurricanes each year. And unless you live under a rock, we all know the 700 Club’s Pat Robertson said hurricanes are caused by homosexuals. So take a deep breath, gays, here’s your upside. Fewer hurricanes equals less homophobic finger pointing.
Oh, and more summer.
It also must mean fewer men die from shoveling snow.
Fewer broken hips, fewer car crashes on ice – see, it’s looking a lot better already.
Increased temperatures and CO2 levels also means plants will grow like wildfire. Overdosing on CO2 smells like teen spirit and free fertilizer to plants. Longer growing seasons means more food. And who isn’t for more food? We are the fattest nation on earth and this is ‘merica, by God; we want to retain that title! Which is why I’m eating lunch today at The Burger Stand in Lawrence for the 10th time this month.
Rising CO2 also makes poppy’s potency proliferate at a freakishly high rate.
Heroin strength has doubled since the 50’s and it will triple by 2050 and be 4.5 times more potent by 2090! Amy Winehouse and Mikey Welsh would have written a hit song with this news.
Global warming also could spell the end of boring baseball.
Freeing up more time perhaps for boring soccer.
The Kansas City Royals, one of the most losing teams in the sport, made it to the World Series last year. If that’s not a sign of the seven horsemen and coming apocalypse, AGW may well be. And did ya know the ash tree is more affected by global warming than any other plant. Baseball bats are made exclusively from ash.
You do the math.
Melting polar ice caps will have a tremendous positive effect.
Draughts suffered in California will be gone. Hell, California will be gone and who wouldn’t like to see that? Florida, George Zimmerman and all the goofy crime stories that come out of that state – gone. All the way up to my Pensacola condo, which is the only part of the state I care about anyway. And how much better would national elections be without having to count Florida’s vote?
And no more confusion over, “Is Iceland green and is Greenland’s covered with ice? Or is it the other way around?”
Doesn’t matter, both will be underwater.
And the big winner is – grinning ear to ear – inventor of the Internet, Al Gore.
Gore’s pet project, AGW, has helped take him from abject poverty to vacation home mogul.
If there ever was a guy who could find the silver lining, it’s Al. His financials released before the 2000 election stated a net worth of $1 – $2 million, barely enough to get by. But promoting the destructive power of global warming has garnered him cribs in Nashville, Virginia, a condo at the St. Regis hotel in San Francisco and his newest acquisition, a $6 million oceanfront spread with the carbon footprint of a small town.
Global warming has increased Gore’s net worth to more than $100 million.
It’s all about context; global warming can be our friend. If it gets too hot, go sit in the shade…just not under an ash tree.
okay Wilson…you made my day.
Probably your best article EVER!!!!
I sent it over my email list and who would think that the guy who
discovered the shoe crew in Lawrence could write a really really good article.
It’s funny…its timely….and I love the art of gore. What a pr*ck he was to
all of Clinton’s people.
And yes…just like evry other politician (recen example: Kantor making3 million/year after losing his race) it’s all about the money to those guys.
Hearne get Wilson some smelling salts….
for the first time I laughed wth ya..instead of at ya!
funny article! I’m sending it to my people at daily kos. Expect it will get
rejected real quick!!!
p.s…I could envision lewis black reading this article out loud in his usual
manner…now that would be classic.
It all makes sense now — you write for the daily kos.
I believe baseball bats are also made from maple trees as well.
Guy, I’d have to trust you; I’m a sports agnostic.
I played with an heirloom hickory bat as a kid back in the Beaver era, but GWSWOT is correct: white ash and maple for the pros.
For use in nearly every other non-pro level of baseball? The bats are harvested from the Aluminum Forests of Nepal.
Go figure.
Thanks, Nick. I knew about the aluminum bats. My contacts said, even though it’s a light weight tree, it’s the one least affected by AGW, so we may see a trend towards those, shortly before the end of life, as we know it. You remeber the cedar and pine rust disease that killed so many of that variety? The Nepal Aluminum tree has developed a resistance to the disease. It gets a light, white dusting that washed off during the rainy season.
PING!!
i actually subscribe to the doomsday scenario presented in “2012” where the earth’s magnetic field shifts and basically flips the planet on its side, ripping half the land masses apart and creating tidal waves that nearly put Mt. Everest underwater, ha! that was pretty cool.
errant asteroids striking earth, as in “Armageddon” are always cool too. can’t run. can’t hide. can’t get off the earth fast enough.
Well the magnet poles are actually weakening. This is a natural process that is cyclical. We are due for them to flip. But when talking on a scale of 10’s of thousands of years it could be tomorrow or it could be in another 10k years. The Earth ripping apart is not a risk, but what it will do is equally as devestating. As the field weakens a point will be reached where numerous poles will spring up across the Earth. There will be no single North and single south there will be multiple pairs, then at its weakest moment North and South will reform at opposite ends of the Earth.
The devestation will come from the effects on ecosystem and the risk from solar flares. As an example, migratory birds depend on the magnetic poles for direction, as do migratory sea life. With many different poles pulling in different directions the birds and fish will become confused. This will cause a wrinkle in the food chain. It is actually the magnetic poles, not the ozone, that protects us from solar flares. Without strong enough poles we will be vulnerable to solar flares. Depending on where we are in the solar cycle this could be Armageddon or just a nuisance.
Mike, I have a boat, I’m good! I’ll stock up on food and two animals of every species…..no wait. That’s been done.
well, if Science is correct, we’ll have to do without a compass and i’m absolutely all thumbs with a sextant.
oh, wait… you WERE going to invite me onto the boat, right?
Funny stuff Paul!
🙂
Thank you, sir.
I sure am glad I didn’t have to shovel any global warming in the month of March like I had to last year.
Heh, heh…
🙂
Lib, he brings it again!
Wow, I like this article. Sitting in the middle of cow flatulence makes me think of a rare steak. I never thought I’d like an article about religion, but you have proven that it is a viable subject. After all, who wouldn’t want a longer growing season, more wine and potato chips? It’s just that two years ago in May, it snowed, and last year we saw a high temperature for one day in May of 4 degrees. Thank you for pointing out that the vote of conscientious curmudgeons like me trust our observations. Steak, chips, and wine might taste pretty good.
If there ever was a RELIGION, Cowboy, global warming is it!
Shhhhh… manbearpig is listening.
unfortunately….today we laugh at a funny story…in 20 years (when most of you
are gone) we’ll be apologizing to our kids what we did to this environment.
God help me, but I’m with harley on this one
Many of you are very short sighted in your writings.
Obama has played up the use of alternative energy like no other president
in history.
Soon we’ll have workable electric cars filling the roads…millions of homes
off the grid….no more fossil fuels used…ITS COMING QUICKER THAN YOU
THINK….
the technlolgy will overwhelm us…and we have to give credit to Obama
for having the guts to go out and make this the industry it will be …..
“millions of homes off the grid.” pure fantasy Harley. not likely… not even millennials will see that. and I doubt their kids will either.
fossil fuels being used for power plants will be here a loooong time. I mean, just think about all those “workable electric cars” you mentioned. think solar is going to take care that and all of the other stuff we plug in? oh, wind generation? KS utilities, even with all the wind farms out there, barely get 10% – 20% of their generation needs from that. in fact, no investor-owned utility that I know of gets more than that, IF that. yeah, there are a few utilities that may get more from solar, or from hydro, but they’re few and far between and their generation needs probably don’t exceed 500 MW. if I recall correctly, KCPL’s generation capacity is around 6000 MW. and KCPL is considered a medium-sized utility. think about it.
think elon musk is going to invent some supercharged battery that will power a household for a year? um, no.
fact is, we demand the electricity – we want it now, we expect it to be there and work, and we don’t want to think about it any more than what it takes to think about flipping that switch or pressing that button.
most of us use more electricity now than even 10 years ago. the rise of “phantom” usage or “energy vampires” has grown too. ever look around your house at night? all the little red and green pinpoint lights and clocks? all those phone chargers, modems, wireless routers, tablets, computers, etc. all use at least some kW even when not “working”. microwaves, ovens, refrigerators too. and those cable boxes. a DVR, especially those that are a few years old, can use as much electricity as a small refrigerator if kept plugged in. how many households back in the 60s had more than one TV? how many now have two or three or more? how many households in the 90s had more than one computer? how many have two or more now?
I could go on, but what’s the point? okay, one more point… utilities, in their resource planning, have to think 20 years into the future. they have to account for when a power plant might have to be mothballed, and when construction will need to begin on a new one to serve the electricity demand 10, 15, 20 years down the road because it takes 5 years and $5 billion to build one. and just what will that demand be like then?
I can guarantee you that they’re not thinking demand will be less.