Lefsetz: A Guide for Internet Haters

1. CHECK YOUR GRAMMAR

No one’s going to take you seriously if you use “there” instead of “their” or “your” instead of “you’re.” Maybe you should write your missives in Word first, where there’s a grammar checker. Or maybe run your prospective words by your mother, since you want her to be proud of you. I’d say to get a review by your significant other, but I’ve yet to find a hater with a spouse.

2. SPELLCHECK

This is built into so many of today’s programs, especially e-mail. How much effort does it take to scroll up to the menu and give it a go?

Then again, you’re probably hating from your smartphone, and you don’t want to risk waiting and having your anger subside. Otherwise you won’t have the desired effect of pissing off your target. Hating must be done right away, when you’re irate, when it’s still the most important thing in the world. However, those worth hating judge you by your spelling mistakes. They’re evidence of education. And if you haven’t got any, the target will not take you seriously.

3. SCRUB SEARCH ENGINES

The problem with today’s world is everybody is identifiable, researchable. Especially in this challenged economy where everybody is looking for a job and posts his curriculum vitae on LinkedIn. You don’t want the recipient of your hatred to know you don’t have a job, or a bad one. You’re embarrassed about your situation enough! So hire a reputation company to get rid of stuff you don’t want people to see. As for victims checking out your resume… You might think you’ve won, but the truth is victims like to laugh too!

4. DON’T HATE IN YOUR FIELD/BACKYARD

Otherwise it just evidences jealousy.

If you’re in music, hate in sports or TV. Because if you hate in your preferred area it just shows that you’re frustrated, you believe that the recipient has your job. Then again, haters hate because they don’t know how to climb the business ladder, wherein social skills are key to advancement. However, this is not just a hater problem. With so few good jobs available, the populace is defeated. So, for this we must have sympathy for the hater.

5. CONTENT PEOPLE!

A reasoned argument has impact. Assuming the hate reaches the target, and you must assume this, being the head of a military operation with many strikes, you never know when you’ll succeed, don’t just say STOP, or YOU’RE A JERK!

That stuff works on the schoolyard, when it’s accompanied by physical intimidation and social status. But not online.

Then again, you’re lucky you have online as your sandbox, because haters tend to be wimpy loners who’ve found this one way to vent their anger that their lives are not working out. So, if you’re hating on someone, delineate your complaint thoroughly. Point out not only the mistake, but the path of correction. This is your true mission, helping others. Why else would someone reach down in the pit and rescue you from your misery, acknowledge you and give you a job, if you’re not helpful?

6. PUNCH UP, NOT DOWN

Only hate on those higher up the food chain than yourself. Nothing undercuts your status more than posing as popular and successful and then hating someone you keep saying is beneath you. It makes you look small and petty. Which is why when someone receives hate e-mail from an attorney or public figure, that contains no analysis (see #5 above), it changes the recipient’s viewpoint of the hater. I’ll give you the opposite example. Obama is President, that’s why he does not hate, there’s no one above him. He just experiences the vitriol and smiles. Whereas Republican Congresspeople and Fox News excoriate him, because they want his job.

7. ANONYMITY

Shows cowardice. It radiates fear. If you’re not willing to put your name to your hate your hate will not be taken seriously.

8. CABAL

Some haters have friends, who they rally to pile on. Is the lone gunman more powerful than the army? It’s debatable. But if you enlist your minions have a goal. And make sure you can win. Because if you rally everybody and don’t get the desired response, which is usually a response at all, then you’ll have a hard time getting everybody to hate together in the future.

9. SOCIAL NETWORKS

Twitter is on to your game. It’s banning hate accounts based on phone number. How many phone numbers do you have? Not many, therefore you won’t be able to keep creating new accounts for strategic attacks. Which is why you’re best off hating in your own name.

10. TAKE HATING SERIOUSLY

One hate mail is dismissible. Could have been a missend, meant for someone else, and will be ignored. Then again, so much hate is ignored. Which is why you must send hundreds of e-mails even if you get no response. Because hating is the most important thing to you. If you stop hating, the terrorists win.