Leftridge: Crap for Sale on Craigslist: Valentine’s Day Edition

So once again, Valentine’s Day has landed unflinchingly upon us like a meaty ass plopping into a seat at Ryan’s Family Steakhouse. If you’re lucky, you’re single or maybe even widowed, unburdened with fiscal irresponsibility manifested in the shape of a mass produced card featuring Garfield the cat spouting some bullshit about “loving you more than (he) love(s) lasagna,” or a dented box of chocolates covered with (probably) measles and (absolutely) fecal matter from the unwashed hands of the countless guys who’ve pawed at it before.

This year, take a different approach. Rise above the herd, as it were, and find something unique and thoughtful. And cheap. Very, very cheap. I’m talking about Craigslist, y’all. Let’s go shopping. (Even if we ARE a day late… isn’t it pretty much Valentine’s Weekend, anyway?)

For the Techie in Your Life:

MacBook Air for Valentine’s Day! – $700 (Lee’s Summit)

“MacBook Air 11″ as described. In perfect shape. Has AppleCare protection (included) as well as the BOX. It’s in great shape. Under two years old. Has a new extension cord. Has Office 2008 and 2011 installed. Will also include the discs. Cash Only.”

Dig it—outdated technology AND the original packaging?? Buy this for your nerd-lady and you’re getting your hard drive cleaned tonight, Romeo. (Disclosure: I have no idea what a hard drive is, or what I even mean by “getting (it) cleaned.” I’m sorry.)

For Those About to Lock That Shit Up:

Show her she’s yours!! Valentines Special – $500

“Thinking of proposing to that special somebody? Valentine’s day is the most memorable time to do so!! Here is a really nice size 7 (can be resized)wedding set just appraised for over $1000 for sale for $500.00 cash obo, or I would trade. Things I’m looking for are a decent running car, motorcycle, dirt bike, enclosed trailer, boom things like 357, 45, 500, or several smaller concealed types, zero turn mower.$500 comes with written appraisal.”

1) If you buy an engagement ring on Craigslist, you’d better never admit that to anyone, like, fucking EVER.

2) Don’t buy an engagement ring on Craigslist.

3) If you have a dirt bike to trade for an engagement ring, go ahead and do that because that is funny as shit.

4) Ham hands.

For the Traditionalist:

Handmade Valentine’s Gift – $24 (Independence)

“Hi! I’m an out of work florist just looking to make a few bucks! I’m trying to get started with silks. I hand made these adorable novelties for Valentine’so Day. A 5 rose hand tied silk rose bouquet, with a cute little chocolate teddy bear, and 30 Hershey’s kisses in a cute box that can be re-used later! I only have 2 left! Cute for a child, but not for under 3 or 4 years old! Please text if interested! Thanks!”

Something about this is terribly depressing. “Hi! I’m just an out of work florist trying to make it in this cold, cruel world. Don’t mind me, OR this noose I’m fashioning from leftover silk.” I don’t even want this stuff that they’re selling, but goddamn, I want to give them some money anyway.

Wait, This Isn’t a True “For Sale”:

wanted roses or valentine flowers (so. kc)

“I’m posting to see if anyone can give me any leads on cheap red or pink roses or arrangements around February 16. My daughter is getting married and we don’t have a big budget for flowers. Since it’s around Valentine’s Day I thought someone may have a good resource for flowers. Thank you.”

Okay, now THIS is officially the most depressing thing I’ve seen in a week. Seriously. I feel like crying. Jesus Christ, I want to just send these people like, $1,000. I bet they’d get some mileage out of it, right? I’m just gonna end up blowing it on internet porn and Japanese novelty foods, anyway. Ugh.

For if You’re Dating an Eight-Year-Old:

Hatching Eggs – $6 (Parkville I-435 and 45 Hwy)

“Hatching Eggs $6-12/dozen

$6 – mixed eggs

$12 – pure eggs

All my birds are pets, eat a very healthy organic diet and free range daily. Their coop is heated and lit and they are spoiled with fresh fruits and vegetables often.

~* CHICKS DUE TO HATCH 2/14 *

I will have a few dozen chicks available around Valentine’s Day. They will be mostly mixed brown egg layers from pure hens with a few pure bantams. Eggs for hatching will not be washed but cleaned with dry cloth.

I do try to label and date them.

Pure eggs:

Mille Fleur Du’uccle (Bantam)

Frizzled Cochin (Bantam)

Gold Crested Polish

Old English Game Bantams-Silver Duckwing

Eggs * (mixed) will be :

Jersey Giant

Silver Laced Wyandotte

Welsummer

Cinnamon Queen

Rhode Island Red

Black Sex Link

Americaunas (bantam)

*Roosters-Jersey Giant, Barred Rock, Old English Game Bantam”

Wait, what?

I think you’re buying chickens here. I had no idea they were so fucking complex or had such insane names. Cinnamon Queen? SILVER LACED WYANDOTTE? These aren’t bizarre sex moves, these are chickens. That’s what the ad should say. “I have chickens for sale. They are chickens. $6 or $12.”

For When You’re Dating a Robot, or Someone Who Appreciates “Unique” Gifts That “Last Longer Than a Week.”:

Metal Rose for Your Wife – $20

“Do you find yourself struggling every year to try and come up with that special, unique Valentine’s Day gift to buy for your wife? Not to mention the money that you have to spend on flowers that,in your mind, are pointless and a waste of money because they are just going to die within a week and be thrown out in the garbage. I have the answer! A Metal Rose. It’s unique, and will last longer than 1 week! Show her that you love her by thinking outside the box. Only $20”

Now this, THIS is a sales pitch, ladies and gents. “Are you tired of _____ that constantly causes you to ______ and ______ profusely? LOOK NO FURTHER!” It’s a fucking weird pasty fashioned from an old Tab can. Let’s call a spade a spade. Please don’t buy your wife this. PLEASE.

For Nobody:

Beautiful Diamond Tennis Bracelet – $3000

“Happy Valentine’s Day! Perfect gift for your Love! 18K white gold, Bezel set w/ 54 (yes, 54!) Round Brilliant Diamonds. Average F/G color and average VS-2 clarity. Pictures don’t do this justice! Bracelet is 7″ in length and comes with 6 additional links. Appraisal does not include the 6 additonal links. I will furnish appraisal. Asking $3000, cash only; willing to meet at jeweler close to Ward Parkway Only serious inquiries. Scammers will be reported Pictures attached (bracelet and appraisal)”

Seriously though. This is for NOBODY. Who in their right mind is going spend $3,000 on ANYTHING from Craigslist?? That’s bananas. This feels like a setup, right? Like you show up with $3K and some fairly-articulate hillbilly sticks a letter opener into your kidney and makes off with your cash? To pay for his daughter’s Presidents’ Day wedding? Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!

For When You’re Dating a Recreational Ice-Skater. And I Say Recreational Because I Don’t Think These Are Professional Grade Skates:

Ice Skates – SP Teri – $40 (Tecumseh, KS)

“These ice skating boots are SP Teri brand, size 7.5. No blades. They were used by two skaters. Well cared for. Probably need new laces and the insoles need to be re-glued. Box included. I have two additional pairs of figure skates, with high quality blades included. They are listed separately.$40 OBO. Cash only. Valentine’s Day is coming. Remember your ice skater!!.”

Remember your ice skater is a little bit like “remember the Alamo” or “never forget,” except it’s about ice skating. Also, I have NO idea where “Tecumseh, KS” is, but I bet you’ll spend more in gas getting there than the $40 these skates will set you back. So I guess what I’m saying is, “forget about your ice skater.”