Jack Goes Confidential: ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ – Softcore, Hanky-Panky Fetish

I’m obviously the wrong person to review this decadent BDSM, Cinderella melodrama…

And I’m totally the wrong demographic for this (love) story of  fetish sex. I haven’t even read the books, for crying out loud.

Still I’m NOT letting those small forks-in-the-road stand in the way of sharing my undervalued opinion on Comcast Universal NBC’s screen adaptation of this just over two hour long sex romp of  E.L. James’ best selling mommy porn.

So here are my basic observations of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

*** The sexual titillation doesn’t get going until about 40 minutes into the film.

Up until then it’s a long and tedious  exercise in “getting to know you” interplay with any realistic signs of chemistry between Christian and Anastasia sorely missing.

*** And even in its most dramatic and compelling scenes, the film’s dialogue borders on sketch comedy material. Ditto the delivery of some of the lines.

(i.e. “I don’t do romance.”—“Enlighten me then.”

And how can you keep a straight face with this milk dud hitting you square in the face:

“I don’t make love. I f*ck!”)

*** The film totally manipulates its core female audience – the target probably being suburban housewives ages 30 and up.

The men I observed in our screening audience seemed underwhelmed and hoping to finally get into the anticipated bondage and nudity elements of the picture—which, as I mentioned, takes a while.

And sadly, those scenes sorely lack in turn-on sensuality.

Speaking of which, what about that nudity?

The filmmakers played it safe. No full frontals. Just prolonged shots of Dakota Johnson’s rather petite chest and plenty of both leads posteriors.

Crucial editing becomes obvious as the producers were bound and determined (no pun intended) to garner an R-rating—however hard that R might be.

Combining the various scenes of S&M with FULL frontal nudity would surely have garnered an NC-17 rating.

Commercially speaking Universal couldn’t risk that.

*** Speaking of BDSM, FIFTY SHADES OF GREY delivers it in Christian’s playroom as Ana rather willingly samples his plentiful assortment of kinky toys and bondage gear associated with various forms of pain and pleasure.

And if that doesn’t do the trick there’s the old fashioned standby of just plain spanking.

To me the film plays almost like a parody of itself.

Opps, almost forgot the deflowering story line which has young literature student Anastasia Steele subbing for her sick roommate in awkwardly interviewing handsome but, as we learn later, kinky billionaire Christian Grey for the college newspaper.

(Grey is scheduled to deliver the school’s graduation address.)

Naturally, he falls for her at first clumsy sight.

Ana now gets his full treatment complete with a contract of sexual understandings – their dos and don’ts.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the story except to caution you to expect a rather abrupt ending which, of course, leads into the presumed sequels.

The curiosity factor for this movie is through the roof.

Its taboo subject matter has advance ticket sales soaring.

And why wouldn’t it with lines like: “I’ve always been good about people.”…“So you’re a control freak?”

And my favorite: “I’m fifty shades of f*cked up.”

So let’s end it with more of Christian’s own words:

“The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashions.”

And you can’t possibly go wrong with:

“Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.”

WOW!

(Most of) FIFTY SHADES OF GREY co-starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson kicks off Valentine’s weekend tonight beginning at 8:00 p.m.

It then begins its regular bound and tied runs tomorrow.

My score: A role-playing C.

“Mr. Grey will see you now…..”

(Reviewed at Cinemark Palace on the Plaza)

Catch ‘Jack Goes To the Movies’ Friday mornings at 6:40 a.m. and 8:40 a.m. on 98.1 KMBZ and anytime on Facebook.