Heads up—the Super Bowl is on Sunday. Bill Belichick and his Saggy Balled Boys will take on Marshawn “The Mute Madman” Lynch. Here are some things we know will likely happen:
-The game will be terrible because theoretically, it SHOULD be a pretty evenly matched contest between two really good teams and these games never happen the way they’re supposed to.
-There will be commercials that people will talk about the next day at work, and you’ll pretend to remember them but you won’t on account of how drunk you were.
-You’ll repeatedly wonder how it came to be that you’re THIS drunk at 6:30PM when you’re not vacationing at the lake. You’ll remark on this more than once, and by the third time, someone will point out that, “dude, you’ve already said that” and you’ll sulk.
-Some idiot at the party you’re attending will make at least three (3) “jokes” pining for a “wardrobe malfunction” involving this year’s halftime performer Katy Perry. (And it’s not that we all wouldn’t mind seeing it; it’s that his attempts at being clever will fail miserably.)
The most important thing is the football, of course, but a close second are food and drinks. So, submitted for your approval, here’s a list of Super Bowl Party Foods, ranked from last to first. If you’re hosting a party, please use this list as a guideline; if you’re attending someone else’s party, please forward this list to them and demand that they follow it.
- Big Ass Bowl of Beans
What are you thinking? I don’t care what kind of beans they are—refried, lima, pinto, black, spring—they are not appropriate party-food. Don’t serve a big bowl of beans at your party, no matter how much YOU like them.
- French Onion Soup
Pretty much the same as the beans. Look, I LOVE French Onion soup. It’s delightful and filling and succulent and it’s like getting a big ol’ hug from a sexy Cheese Monster. But only a serial killer would serve F.O.S. at a Super Bowl party.
Veggie Tray
Get the fuck out of here with this. Nobody actually wants limp carrots and stale, crumbly cauliflower, even WITH a small lake of ranch dressing. It still sucks and people are only eating this because they’re being polite.
- Hummus with Pita
Under other circumstances, I’m OK with hummus and pita; if I see it at a Super Bowl party though, I’m going to report you to Homeland Security after I shit in your bathtub.
- Crackers with Meats and Cheese
There’s nothing inherently wrong with a cheese/meat/cracker plate. But it’s also a little uninspired. In one fell swoop it proclaims “I’d like you to eat and be full, my friend!” but also “eh, I don’t give a shit.”
- Sandwiches
Who doesn’t appreciate a sandwich? They’re universally beloved. If you’re offering sandwiches, though, I’d suggest just having them premade and ready to fondle. The last thing you need is Debbie Drunktits flinging sliced meat and mayo around your kitchen with reckless abandon.
- Chips and Dip
There’s nothing wrong with something of the Doritos or Frito variety, and never let anyone tell you that either one needs any sort of dip accompaniment. If you’re going with tortilla or potato chips, however, you need some dip. Here are the best dips, in order:
f) French Onion—Meh. Decent but not GREAT.
e) Bacon and Horseradish—Getting better, but not for everyone.
d) 7-Layer—THIS is an appropriate use of beans at your party.
c) Spinach and Artichoke—If you don’t like this, you’re a liar.
b) Rotel Cheese Dip—Come to papa.
a) Buffalo Chicken Dip—I just impregnated my computer thinking about this. OMG, I FUCKING LOVE BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP.
7. A Box of Taco Bell/KFC/McDonald’s
I’m pretty sure this is only in commercials. You know the one—the dude shows up with a PARTY PACK OF MCNUGGETS! or a TACO BLASTER PACK! and everyone explodes in an orgy of appreciation and horny sex reigns down on the guy who brought the fast food. I don’t think the porking actually happens in real life, but it’s honestly NOT a bad idea. The best time to eat any kind of fast food is when you’re drunk, so you’re kidding yourself if you say you wouldn’t appreciate seven soft tacos during and after a football game.
- Lil’ Smokies/Mini-Meatballs
Hell yeah. Eat like, eighty of these. Destroy your stomach lining. Doing shit RIGHT, son.
- Nachos
‘Chos are great, but only if prepared properly. (And provided you NEVER call them ‘chos. Fuck you if you say ‘za, too.) Quality nachos need some kind of meat (steak, seasoned ground beef or chicken), some kind of bean (refried or whole black), green onion, finely chopped tomatoes, and cheese sauce. CHEESE SAUCE. You can add some melted, shredded cheese if you feel like you have to, but the base-cheese needs to be gooey, velvety, processed CHEESE SAUCE. We’re not shooting for something authentic or high quality here—we’re shooting for fat-kid-on-a-chunk-spree.
- Assorted BBQ
This could be higher, but there’s too much room for error. Good BBQ is the best thing ever, obviously, but bad BBQ can ruin a party faster than that awkward couple friend who argues at the drop of a fucking hat and makes everyone uncomfortable.
- Wings
Not COLONEL JESSUP’S SWEET CONFEDERATE MEMPHIS BBQ WINGS and not SPICY THAI-CHILI-LIME WINGS and not any kind of garlic-lemon-pepperbutter wings, but honest to God Buffalo wings. Real Buffalo wings are heavenly and there’s no need to screw them up with self congratulatory, abusive flavor combinations.
- Chili
Chili is versatile, which is nice, but the best thing is just regular red chili with beans (CHILI NEEDS BEANS, DAMMIT) and meat, dumped into a bowl and later dumped into another bowl. (TOILET JOKE.) Before it is expelled, however, it is delightful covered with diced onions and cheddar cheese and maybe sour cream, and then scooped up with crackers. (Or, tortilla chips!)
- Pizza
Don’t fuck around. Just order pizza. Duh.
harlinator is waiting with baited breath to see fow the saggy ball boys shall fare. Probably too baited.
I’m sending this list to my wife. I want to be sure she knows what’s important regarding food for the Super Bowl before she goes to store and comes back with some sort of Godt-forsaken tofu-based dip with salt-free, gluten-free crackers.
(btw… typo intentional on Godt, re: The Ten Commandments. they all pronounced God that way in that movie. very odd. I think the only one who didn’t was Edward G. Robinson.)
You’re a wise man, Mike T.
‘I’m going to report you to Homeland Security after I $hit in your bathtub.”
I just laughed again as I cut n pasted that line. That’s gold son. Im taking the Pats just on the strength of Wilson crying tears of joy , like Liberace swinging from the limb of a dick tree ,after clinching their spot .
Meh, the whole thing is so over-produced and anticlimactic that we just record it and skip through to the good bits later. Hell, even the vote on the best commercial party meme jumped Fonz’s wrinkly old man body over a decade ago.
The dude that brings KFC or Taco Bell to a party is always considered the lazy/cheap/semi moocher of the bunch. Number 1, KFC and Taco Bell are barely edible even when they are hot. Number 2, even if you are lucky and the dude bought the fast food just around the corner from the party, unless you eat it RIGHT AWAY, you are munching on COLD Taco Bell or KFC, which is just the worst. Number 3, Just bring a bag of Chips or Cheetos, they taste good for the entire party and they don’t have to be hot to be good
… and the Patri-cheats favorite dish: a force-fed humble pie, served up a copious portion courtesy the Sea-thugs; what a rancid cast Superbowl… would that they could both lose.
Usually the biggest problem at a Super Bowl party is what to do after the game becomes unwatchable.
I spent many a Super Bowl Sunday with transplanted Pittsburghers. Their dish was barbecued Jumbo. Chipped bologna in a store-bought sauce. MMMMMMMMM, right?
Washed down with an Iron City Light aka IC Light.
I think the last time the Chiefs were in the Super Bowl it was Hickory Smaks at the Douche Bag Motorcycle Club’s party.
Ahh the hickory smak my personal favorite when I was in short pants and only 19 cents if I recall correctly. .or was the BBQ sauce an upgrade.. totally unrelated but orphan do you remember that little burger joint that sat in Midtown on the corner next to where the Vietnam War memorial sits ? The little Angus I believe. Had like 100 different burgers.
Pretty sure they were also 19-cents. I remember the place but we usually ended up at Town Topic for the floor show. Winos and the National Guard put on a good show once a month.