Like the headlines suggests, I need a Christmas tree.
Okay, well let me be clear: I need a new Christmas tree. See, I already have one. As I type this, there is a plastic trash bag in my basement that is filled with a disassembled, plastic Christmas tree. The bag is also probably filled with those weird-ass cricket/spider hybrids that some people call camel crickets, and one person I know calls “sprickets.” I could rid myself of these monstershitbugs I suppose, but I’m not sure it’s worth it for this crummy tree. It’s only about 4-feet tall and ragged. It moved with me from Kansas City to Chicago and then back to KC again, but it was only ever meant to be a placeholder, something to stand in the corner until I became a real adult who had an adult tree. At some point, though, it just became my regular-ass Christmas tree.
But I need a new one.
And I suppose I could forsake a tree—just say fuck it and move on with my life—but I’ve got an infant, and the only thing she truly likes other than a really, powerful shit and bedtime is blinking lights. She’s nuts about them. So I guess I’d feel like I’m ripping her off a little if we didn’t have one. (And on her first Christmas no less.)
So I figure I’ve got a few different avenues to choose from.
Real tree from a lot
You know, the kind that spring up in mid-November in the parking lots of grocery stores or outside of strip-mall sushi joints. Traditionally operated by burly, bearded men of indiscriminate (possibly Slavic?) origin, this is the tree-procurement option most often used as a setting in movies and television. There’s always a harried dad haggling with this man over the cost of a tree—ON CHRISTMAS EVE, GODDAMNIT!—and some sort of hilarity usually ensues.
Pros: Mostly hassle-free. (In real life, anyway.) Convenient. Locations are ubiquitous. Wide variety of trees, from “Holy shit, that looks like Charlie Brown’s tree” to “Well, I guess that’s a pretty good tree.”
Cons: the guy running the place is a refugee who has TOTALLY seen some crazy shit, PLUS he’s good with an axe. Real trees die and must be disposed of. They shed pine needles all over the place. They get hot and catch fire, burning your family alive except for your older brother who isn’t home from college yet and this is TOTALLY going to fuck his life up because he’ll be like, “I should’ve been there… that should’ve been ME, man!”
Real tree from the forest
This is sort of like Lumberjack Fantasy Camp for white folks with too much disposable income. You pay a landowner some money, trek out into the forest wearing your best thick socks and North Face coat, and you use YOUR OWN TWO HANDS to defeat a glorious Christmas spruce. You return home a hero and never shut the fuck up about it Monday in the office break-room.
Pros: One with nature. Defeating nature. Rugged. Christmas Vacation is an outstanding movie.
Cons: Most of the same shit I said about the real tree from the lot applies here, too. Chance of getting lost in the woods and then: encountering a wendigo/falling off of a cliff/being eaten by wolves.
Regular fake tree from the store
Big, plastic son-of-a-bitches that lend very little atmosphere, fake trees seem to be very popular amongst the ten or so people I asked at work today. (And seeing as how I work with mostly normal folks, I’m willing to bet this is a pretty common consensus.) I grew up with a plastic tree and have no discernible feelings about it, one way or another.
Pros: You can use it over and over again until you find out that the material used to make it causes birth defects. Sturdy. Practical. Utilitarian. Can be easily festooned to meet your needs. The chance of introducing a rabid squirrel or a North American cancer beetle into your home is slim.
Cons: No heart. Can also catch fire if you throw your cigarette into it or douse it with gasoline and strike a match. Assembly can be surprisingly difficult for someone who is mechanically inept. Which I am.
Regular fake tree from Craigslist
There are a lot of trees for sale on Craigslist. Do not buy a tree from Craigslist.
Pros: Cheapest option available short of drawing a tree on a large, empty box and placing it in the corner, or perhaps decorating an existing houseplant.
Cons: Sad, sad Christmas. As with anything on Craigslist, there is ALWAYS the chance that you will show up to buy it, get punched in the face, threatened with a meat cleaver and then robbed of your wallet and phone.
Gaudy aluminum tree
You know what I mean. Usually these are silver, but occasionally can be found in Electric Blue or Thrashed Vagina Pink. They are startlingly obnoxious and look like the decorative embodiment of Elton John fucking a fir. Primarily the tree of choice for great-grandparents who died in the 60s and hardcore fans of John Waters’ films.
Pros: I sometimes like shit that is horrifically ugly. There’s something to be said for flawed beauty. It will probably last for several generations unless you put water on it. (And I’m not sure why you’d do that.)
Cons: They kind of hurt to look at. I mean, Jesus Christ. They’re almost… violent.
Any thoughts or suggestions? Something I’m missing? All I want for Christmas is to have comment people help me pick out a tree.
Thanks in advance.
Real tree: taking both our girls to pick out a Christmas tree the last 12 years has become one of the more fun holiday traditions, complete with the first Christmas music of the season allowed in dad’s car, hot chocolate and (after the tree is installed and everyone has ‘ooh’d’ and ‘aah’d’) the first viewing of a Christmas movie from our collection.
Try Heartland Nursery – great selection, good price range, better service – they’ will attach it to your stand, wrap it in netting and tie it down on top of your car for no extra charge. Every tree we’ve bought there has lived (continued to drink water from the stand) through New Year’s – no fires. As to needles? Well, you are a man, right? Suck it up, dude.
Haha. Great advice, Nick. I do like the “tradition” aspect.
lefty..save your money for diapers!!!!
Ill give you my tree for free…its beautiful…contact
me at law4life 1000 @yahoo.com.
Take care of yourbaby…because theres more to come..
I see two or three more in your future.
merry xmas…and that will save you enough money to
buy diapers for what? three days?
take care of that little girl…because she will always
be “daddy little girl”!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think Nick is right. You have a little one, get into it and get used to it.
Funny stuff Lefty.
When I was young back in the 18th Century, my dad took an tree out in the back yard and left it there after Christmas until the end of January. He then decided to “Teach you kids a lesson” by showing us how quickly it would go up in flames.
HOLYSH*T!!!!!
It exploded, burned my dad’s eyebrows off and melted the overhead phone wire! All he did was toss a match in the middle of the tree and waited about 15 seconds.
Later in life, I was the only one in the room who understood how fireman fighting blazes in various and sundry forests could die of oxygen deprivation as trees exploded overhead, racing ahead of them at 20 to 25 miles an hour sucking the air off of the forest floor.
Lesson learned dad.
ps, my mom was pizzed!!!
This is an outstanding story, Chuck. Dads used to be so much more entertaining– even if inadvertently.
really good stuff lefty.
you need to go write for the pitch (lol
traditional, lefty. go get a real tree. the smell of it in your home alone will scream Christmas. (see what I did there?)
I gave up doing that, but I don’t have kids and DO have an 18-month old basset hound who would chew the effn sap out of it, along with everything hanging on it and everything stuffed underneath it. he’s an impudent little hound who’s apparent mission in life is to destroy things.
Man. Three for three on traditional. Not even a close race.
Save what you have written here, until your daughter’s 12th Christmas, and then have her read it. Won’t she be impressed with your skills of expression!
Probably.
We had a real tree last year, dogs kept pissing on it….Im serious. Now have a 5 foot fake on an end table…..The cat has posted up under it and will probably try to eat the plastic leaves, inadvertently mistaking it for another house plant, all of which it slowly devoured down to the potting soil. Fvck a tree, you want a dog or a cat?
I get my trees from the same farm that produces all of the White Houses trees. It is covered in semi precious jewels and can only be watered with a blend of Evian and puppy tears.
For those of you keeping score at home, the above comment was not posted by the One & Only, real, true Harley.
That you, Paul?
Admin, you know my IP. Fuck Harley.
I gave him three of his outlandish claims to prove, he side stepped the issue and did his shuck and jive.
There WAS no 82 rape trial he served on.
He HAS no USA TODAY front page story.
Told him to prove those two and I’d never write or comment here again.
That’s an easy way for him to see me disappear but the lying mother fucker can’t pull it off cause it’s a lie.
I don’t need to make fake Harley comments.
I’ll tell him to go fuck himself to his face.
We’ll just start releasing REAL Harley details since he’s been measured and came up short.
He shoulda quit while he was ahead.
you got caught you loser!!!!!
psoting under my name. What a scum bag.
Get your money you cheap a$$ mf. You lying
no good dog.
grow up pardner….get your money together…and
let me prove you the liar you are.
thnx admin…many people have posted with my name.
on all blogs.
I usually have a certain style and my opinions areusually
written and 100 per cent right.
So I take more crap than anyone on kcc.
it was sasquatch…..hes just obsessed with me and that’s
very very creepy If it continues I will be forced to file a
restaining order as per the law. This is getting really
really weird. We are now getting unsual phone calls which
are a federal offense and we will prosecute to the fullest\
extent of the law.
Pleas stop your harassment asap or we will file charges.
I guarantee it!
Oh boy! Federal Court threat 152!
Go study John Doe Subpoenas, little man. You’re late to the dance.
this must be..this looeny tune is so obsessed with a
ficti0onal character Harley that’s he has gone bon .kers/
you supposedly know where I live…have threatedned
my self and friend and family…and now I have no
choice but to refer this to the further authorities for
investigation.
Even hearne is outing your comments. Not good,.Please
stop or you will face further actions.
do your realize paul how you look to others on here?
seriously…you seem smart but you need to move on.
Just stop and I will stop responding to your
comments.
serouisly paul…if you don’t stop…you will continue
to look bad. lets have a beer at outlaw and talk this
through.I would love to meet you and your lovely
family for dinner at kona grill. bring them down..
it all on me!!!!!!! I know its been a tough year financially
for you andI would love to help out a man who needs
help, Ill even bring gifts for you/your wife/ana the kids.
I want to help everyone have a merry xmas.
happy holiday
“I usually have a certain style and my opinions are usually
written and 100 per cent right.”
Well you’re half right, you definitely have a certain style. Full disclosure I wrote the mineral water and puppy tears post. Clearly it wasn’t meant to fool anyone into thinking it was harley, as evidenced by the proper grammar and spelling. Had I known it would lead to Wilson going to Alcatraz for calling harley a motherfvcker in an internet comment section, I wouldn’t have done it. Im sending Wilson some soap on a rope and a link to my Prison for Dummies series.
Thanks, Mark. Im getting fitted for uniforms now. There are days I wonder who ties Harley’s shoes, but I guess it’s his mom….
I love how he attacks instead of addressing his own lies.
PROVE your front page story in USA Today.
PROVE there was an 82 rape case where you were a juror, because I know for a FACT they are both lies.
His defense? “People” are calling his office and he’s going to file federal charges.
He’s the big law dude and doesnt even know thats not how it works.
He’s a lying douche nozzle of epic proportions, maybe hes going to file to have himself committed.
Thanks for the soap on a rope, regardless.
Hearne…see what you started when you let
the entire world know that a friend of
yours fantasized about me..Harley!
It’s creepy in my opinion and I hope you
keep his secrets to yourself and him in the
future. dON’T LET THOSE SECRETS OUT
OF THE BAG ABOUT YOUR BUDDIES.
thanks for ‘ outing” the facts sO TO SPEAK.
Your friend
Harley
My grandmother had an aluminum tree and spotlight with a rotating primary color wheel she pointed at it. I’m not saying that tree was Better or worse than any other in my youth but the memory of that spectacle is permanently burned into my brain like a cerebral tattoo.
grandparents had one of those too. I ended up with the color wheel at some point and used it in my bedroom. all that was missing was the mirror ball.
I loved those trees too.
Remember the bubbly tube like ornaments the government banned because they kept setting houses on fire? They came in many colors, were about 6 inches long (That is 9 inches to my wife.)? What was the liquid inside of those things?
Methylene Chloride, I just looked it up on Google. It has a boiling point of 40 degrees C. The air cools the tube. 🙁 I thought maybe Walt Disney sent Tinkerbell to my house and she did it when I was a kid.
Jesus, you can find anything on Google.
I just looked up Nuclear Launch Codes. “Home Mail” has them. Jesus.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2515598/Launch-code-US-nuclear-weapons-easy-00000000.html
Christ, you may as well give them to Dennis Rodman, or, Harley.
Google is a bad thing.
Check this Hearne–
http://www.adweek.com/news/press/us-newspapers-make-40-billion-less-ads-today-2000-160966