Leftridge: Thanksgiving Guests, Ranked

The holiday season is officially here. For many, this means long travels to exotic destinations like, Akron, Ohio and Tecumseh Springs, Oklahoma where, “ugh… my family lives.” It’s a time for reflection and fellowship, both of which work best with earplugs and enough wine to alcohol-poison the 50 Secretly-Drunkest Housewives of Johnson County.  No gathering would be complete without Your Terrible Family Who You Only See Once a Year and with Good Reason.

Let’s take a look at who you can expect once you’ve arrived at your destination, your ass tender and sore from brutal, endless highway driving.

11. Cousin Who Just Got Out of Jail

It’s probably jail and not prison because he’s actually a low-rent dirt-bag and not Al Capone. (Though he may spend considerable time trying to convince you of his criminal prowess.) Truth is, he probably got popped for selling synthetic marijuana to some 16-year-old kids, failure-to-appeared, got caught riding a stolen BMX, and finally did eight grueling months at a correctional facility in rural _______. While he was there, he started taking some HVAC courses, learned to play checkers and finally started turning his life around… you know, until someone at Thanksgiving cracks open a case of Busch Light. There’s a good chance he’ll end the night feebly running from the police in the 1989 Ford Taurus that his mom bequeathed him after he got sprung. The cycle will never end.

10. Three-Year-Old Nephew

He’s a lovable, rambunctious kid with “a ton of energy!” whose hobbies include: shrieking for no good goddamned reason, hiding your shoes, throwing Hot Wheels at your head when you’re not looking, shitting his pants more than once despite being “good with the toilet.”

9. Activist Cousin Home from College

A.C.H.C. has been taking a lot of women’s studies classes her freshman year at State, and she’s involved with like, 15 different groups on campus (Save the Whales, Chicanos for Change, Chicanos for Whales). When she’s not busy experimenting with her dorm-mate, she’s checking out “all of these awesome vegan potlucks that have really been eye-opening,” and “holy shit, are you ACTUALLY going to eat that poor Turkey? See, that’s the problem with this country. Meat is not only murder, it’s also pumped full of so many chemicals that the government uses to… blah blah blah.” Zzzzzzzzzz….

8. Casually Racist Grandfather

Your mom defends him because he’s “from a different time,” but you do the math and realize that your grandfather wasn’t born in the Deep South during the Civil War, so holy shit, what’s his excuse? That still doesn’t stop “oh, silly gee-pa LOL” from saying some horrifically racist shit while he’s watching Calvin Johnson make some really nice catches in the Lions’ game.

7. Screeching Aunt

She talks like old people type: IN ALL CAPS. HOW IS YOUR NEW JOB, HONEY? DO YOU LIKE THESE BEANS? HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR COUSIN MICHEAL LATELY? HE JUST BOUGHT A BRAND NEW CAR, I THINK IT’S A FOREIGN BRAND BUT THOSE ARE GOOD CARS NOW.

6. Drunk Uncle

Recently popularized by Bobby Moynihan’s Saturday Night Live character, Drunk Uncle is very real and exceedingly common. The thing is, Drunk Uncle really only lets loose on holidays and other family gatherings—he’s not much of a year-round drinker. That’s why he tells your sister that her ass is looking a little fat and probably gets into a shouting match with your dad about some shit that happened when they were nine; his self-control goes by the wayside with 11am wine. **Bonus points if you can get him to lift up his ill-fitting sweater to reveal the t-shirt beneath that proclaims “WHERE’S THE FUCKIN’ TURKEY?”** (He’s pretty proud of it, but he’s still weird about his mom seeing it, despite being a grown-ass man.)

5. Mom

Your mom is trying REALLY hard, but she’s drinking too much wine because she misses HER mom, gone these many years. (If you can’t find her, just know that she’s sobbing quietly in the bathroom, the faucet running to mask the noise.)

4. Dad

Dad is out in the garage secretly pounding two beers for every one you think he’s having. He’s wondering what life would have been like if he’d never had kids, hadn’t gotten married at 21, hadn’t taken the first job that offered health benefits and a meager pension. He wonders if it’s too late to just, to just give it all up. To fake his death and head somewhere remote where he can live off the land, or maybe somewhere tropical where he never has to know someone for longer than the length of their vacation. (It is too late dad. It is.)

3. Cousin’s New, Promiscuous Wife

Look, it’s okay because she’s not actually related to you by blood or anything. And she’s way hotter than anyone you’ve been seeing recently. And she’s just like, talking about crazy, inappropriate shit she did a long time ago when she lived with three other girls who were also in nursing school. (You know, 10 months ago, right before she met and married your cousin.) Cousin’s New, Promiscuous Wife is actually one of the few bright spots amongst the glut of depressing and/or annoying attendees. Cherish it, because the likelihood that she’ll be around for more than a couple of gatherings is pretty slim.

2. Brother’s Black Girlfriend

Oh, boy. Casually Racist Grandpa will have a field day with her. While he won’t come right out and say anything terrible, he’ll ensure that she feels wholly unwelcome by filling her day with nasty, sideways glances. I feel bad for Brother’s Black Girlfriend because she’s a nice lady. CRG is just kind of an asshole.

1. Babies

Babies are the best. They’re cute, they don’t say anything and they provide a nice distraction when shit starts going downhill. “HE HAD EVERY RIGHT TO SHOOT THAT THUG! WHAT KIND OF SOCIETY DO WE LIVE IN WHERE—OH! HEY! MASON JUST SPIT-UP! DID HIM HAVE TOO MANY MILKIES? YES HIM DID! OOOOOHHH YES HIM DID!” (collective awwwws from everyone except Drunk Uncle who is passed out and Casually Racist Grandpa who is intently watching Brother’s Black Girlfriend to make sure she’s not pocketing the good flatware.)

Happy Thanksgiving and don’t kill your family!