Paul Wilson: The Weak in Review – Bad Bishop, SpaghettiO Meth, Vagina Shot & Diamonds Aren’t Forever

Bishop Finn

We’re on a mission from GOD!

With any luck, Bishop Finn finally has stepped on his weenie this time. If you recall, Finn presides over the Cathloic Diocese of Kansas City – St Joseph overseeing all the young boy sex abuse scandals.

A Canadian Archbishop visited on behalf of the Vatican to investigate the Bishop; the first Catholic prelate found criminally guilty of shielding a priest amidst the sexual abuse crisis.

So what’s their mission? To determine whether or not Finn is fit to be a leader.

If the Vatican envoys ask, “What did you know and when did you know it?” Finn’s sunk. If he has a modicum of intellectual integrity the answer has to be, “I knew it all, real time….and hid the facts.” At that moment, the Vatican’s question has been answered.

Good bye, Bishop. May God have mercy on your soul because I think you’re a dick.

Ashley Gabrielle Huff,

I’m Not a Meth Whore; I’m Only Guilty of Bad Taste

Florida resident Ashley Gabrielle Huff, 23, just spent a month in jail because cops confused crusty SpaghettiOs on a spoon in her car for meth. I can’t tell you how many times this same thing has happened to me!

The Gainesville Times reports that, “Huff was arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine even though she maintained the entire time that the residue on her spoon came from a snack, not drugs.” She was released from jail Thursday after a crime lab analysis determined the “meth” was just dried spaghetti sauce.

According to the Hall County, Florida court, Huff had never faced drug charges before this incident.

“Accusations like this can really harsh a dude’s mellow,” the police added.

I turned to local drug authority, Craig Glazer, to ask if meth really looks like SpaghettiOs but he was unavailable for comment. 

It’s enough to make you go POSTAL!

Walter Earl Morrison

A former UPS employee in Arizona is accused of stealing a package containing a $160,000 diamond and trading it for $20 worth of weed.

“Walter Earl Morrison, 20, thought that the package he allegedly swiped while unloading cargo at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix contained cash,” according to a probable cause statement obtained by The Smoking Gun. But the fine, young scholar didn’t get cash, he got a huge diamond instead. Authorities say, “The “half-baked bandit” traded the diamond for the equivalent of two joints of marijuana,” and was arrested on felony theft charges.

See, kids, this is why you stay in school.

Even graduates of the KCMO School District know a diamond that big is worth at least five joints!

Common Core Math Problem; Your homey needs to get high and has a $160,000 diamond. As a young scholar and entrepreneur, you happen to have 237 joints. Based on the street value of weed, how would you determine how many joints to trade for the diamond? (Remember to apply the proper discount for the fact that you know the diamond is hot.)

Christina Martinez

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood by looking at her hands….

For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s likely upset about something.

Take 44 year old Wichita resident Christina Martinez; a chick you don’t want to cheat on. Girlfriend allegedly vowed to get a gun after she found her 44-year-old boyfriend having sex with another woman early Tuesday in their crib where their magic happens. Being a woman of her word, Martinez got a piece, returned to the address and, allegedly, shot her boyfriend once in the junk while he sat in a lawn chair in the front yard talking with two other men.

Martinez did not comment as to whether or not he was hung like a horse or if she was simply a good shot.

She was being held in Sedgwick County Jail on Wednesday for aggravated battery and a probation violation, but is being treated very respectfully by authorities.

Police said the boyfriend had been hospitalized with serious injuries. While they are not life threatening, he now has a vagina.

Gabriel Quintero

Playing through……FORE!

Deputies in central California have arrested one adult and three juveniles suspected of breaking into a Foster Farms chicken ranch and killing more than 900 birds with…… a golf club. Acting on several tips, authorities tracked down 18-year-old Gabriel Quintero and two juvenile males, ages 15 and 17. All have been booked on charges of burglary and felony cruelty to animals.

I turned to Craig Glazer, local comedy store owner to ask if this was funny, but he had no comment.

                                                        ******* 

Go out and make it a great weekend, Kansas City. Come to Knuckleheads tonight and hang out with your well-coiffed scribe and the crew from KY102 and 99.7KY. It’s going to be a great time.