Leftridge: A Startling Confession

A few years ago, for reasons I still do not claim to understand, I became a white, 20-year-old sorority girl…

Seemingly out of nowhere—overnight and with no warning—I decided that I loved pumpkin shit.

You know, pumpkin coffee, pumpkin candles, pumpkin cupcakes and perhaps most egregiously, pumpkin beer.

Disclaimer: I am still a man. I’ve impregnated a woman and I have a beard and I own a ladder; my masculinity is present and thorough.

That said, I love pumpkin beer. But to be fair, I love all KINDS of beer, actually. I like shitty, watery domestics and I like simple, noble pilsners, and I like thick, deafening IPAs and I like crisp, hearty wheats. You name a beer, and I’ll at least give it a shot.

That said, August-October is becoming my favorite stretch of time. Well, even more so than usual. I love the fall. I love football and chili and hooded sweatshirts and all of that happy horseshit. But now, as much as I enjoy any of those things, I look forward to pumpkin beer.

Anyway, maybe you’ve decided to embrace your inner-sorority girl and succumb to gourd-related temptation. Or perhaps you’re throwing a Halloween party and you want to look like a real “boss” host. For the past several years, the market has become saturated with pumpkin-based inebriants.

So what pumpkin inspired beverage should you choose?

I’ve compiled a list that can help you “unleash the beast,” as it were. You know, provided “the beast” is your desire to drink a really girly beer and you’re comfortable with being laughed at by your beer-snob dude-friends.

6) Lakefront Brewery Inc. Pumpkin Lager (5.8% ABV)

Milwaukee’s own Lakefront Brewery offers a decent pumpkin beer that certainly won’t offend anyone’s sensibilities. It’s the kind of beer that you’d serve your grandmother if your grandmother came over and was like, “hey, Stan, give me a subtle pumpkin flavored lager with plenty of carbonation that is really straight forward and without pretense.” And then you’d probably be like, “grammy, my name is Paul. Stan is my brother. You KNOW that, goddamnit! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO YOU??” And then you’d just give her the Lakefront Pumpkin. It’s not bad, it’s just a pumpkin lager for grandmas.

5) Magic Hat Brewing Company Wilhelm Scream Pumpkin Ale (5.4% ABV)

So I don’t really get Magic Hat. They seem kinda like a joke brewery, but they’ve got like, a young, hip marketing group that takes shit very seriously. Their website is like an art project gone awry, and it feels like they’re more “Purple Passion” than “artisan brewer,” if that makes any sense. Anyway, their pumpkin offering isn’t bad, it’s just… Magic Hat. It tastes a little too sweet and it’s a little too aggressive, and it’s the kinda thing you’d pay a homeless guy $5 to buy you at the Fast Stop on 39^th and Main when you’re 16 years old. If you’re an adult who can buy his own beer, though, I’d probably skip the ridiculously named Wilhelm Scream.

4) O’Fallon Pumpkin Beer (5.6% ABV)

O’Fallon is a really solid brewery—I’d say they’re fourth in the state—and their pumpkin beer does not disappoint. It’s your standard cinnamon/nutmeg/clove conglomeration, but the real pumpkin they add—136 pounds, according to the website—adds a thick fruitnuttiness that tastes official and resolute. It’s very balanced from start to finish and is tailored to be enjoyed by just about anyone.

3) Southern Tier Imperial Pumking Ale (8.6% ABV)

A) 22oz bottles only.

B) Holy shit, look at that alcohol content

C) Takes itself very seriously

D) But with good reason

E) PumpkinG… boo, but whatever

This is a pumpkin(g) beer for real beer-snobs, and it doesn’t disappoint. It’s very buttery and sharp, and because of the ridiculously high alcohol content, it will hit you like a truck. It tastes like a Lagunitas pumpkin beer (not a thing, I don’t think), or what Boulevard would try and do if they made one. Not for your grandmother, or most casual beer drinkers.

2) Schlafly Pumpkin Ale (8.0% ABV)

You’d never believe this is 8%, because HO.LEE.SHIT. is this smooth. I don’t know that Schlafly does it every year, but they should, and goddamnit, if they do it, why can’t Boulevard? Anyway, it’s very full-bodied and it’s smooth and it’s nutty and spicy without being ridiculous. It’s nearly perfect. Sucks it’s not a little easier to find in KC, considering Schlafly is just a stone’s throw down the road about 350 miles or whatever. (Or maybe I’m not looking in the right places? You tell me.) Anyway, I like you a lot, Schlafly’s Pumpkin Ale, but you’re still not my favorite.

1) Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale (5.7% ABV)

And with that admission—after I wrote this whole goddamn list confessing my affinity for pumpkin beer, even—I lost any remaining respect you had for me, right? I know, I know. Suggesting that I like something Blue Moon related is like saying, “oh, HELL yeah I’m a car guy… I’m REALLY into the ’88 Ford Taurus right now.” It’s a Coors product and “real-beer-guys” don’t like Blue Moon or whatever, but you know what? This is my list, so fuck you, beer-snobs. Blue Moon’s Pumpkin Ale is delicious and consistent, and a perfect, balanced blend of the whole cinnamonnutmegpumpkinclove formula, PLUS they do allspice. (Allspice is hit-or-miss on the pumpkin beer front; some seem to do it, some don’t. Those that do tend to outscore those that do not, at least IMO.) This is not only the tastiest offering on my list, but the most accessible—both in terms of ability to procure AND an average drinker’s ability to enjoy. So, yeah… I might be a pariah for suggesting it, but Blue Moon’s Pumpkin Ale narrowly edges out its closest challenger.

Oh well… at least I didn’t suggest Michelob’s “Jack’s Pumpkin Spice Ale.” Because I’m not a step-dad. And as far as I can tell, Michelob is the beer of step-dads.

Enjoy your Fall!