So I’m playing fantasy football this year.
And I know you’re like, “Oh, holy shit, who even cares, dude?” and I don’t blame you. But see, the thing is, I haven’t done fantasy football in like, almost ten years. In fact, the last time I did it, Daunte Culpepper was my first round pick.
Yes, that Daunte Culpepper.
He’d just had a tremendous 2004 campaign where he led the league with 4,700 passing yards. (He also tossed a club-record 39 touchdowns while getting picked off a scant 11 times.) Daunte Culpepper was my lock, and I was going to become a prodigy in my first ever Fantasy Foray.
And then I drafted him and everything went to hell. He threw eight interceptions (and no TDs!) in the first two games of the 2005 season. Although he managed to put it together against the New Orleans Saints in week three, it was but a mirage. Then on October 30th, he tore most of his CLs—his ACL, his PCL and his MCL— against the Carolina Panthers. He finished the season with 6 TD, 12 INT and 5 fumbles.
He went on to star in the Great Minnesota Sex-Boat Scandal (charges against him were later dropped), and had brief, unremarkable stints with: the Miami Dolphins (left after Miami signed a beaten down and frequently concussed Trent Green), the Oakland Raiders (signed as a backup to JaMarcus Russell (!), then injured his hamstring in a footrace against brief-Chief Stanford Routt (!!)), the Detroit Lions (who went on to be 0-16 that season) and finally, the Sacramento Mountain Lions (who I’m assuming you’ve never heard of, but I swear I didn’t make up).
I was effectively out of contention by the third game of the season, and I never looked back.
See, I like football; I’ve never needed make-believe (or even gambling) to enjoy watching it. I’ve also never wanted to be the guy who gets so wrapped up in it that I essentially become a dismissive idiot of singular focus.
“Hi, Brandon. How was your weekend?”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I STARTED BAM MORRIS OVER DAVE MEGGET EVEN THOUGH MORRIS WAS PLAYING THE STEELERS AND THE GUY I WAS UP AGAINST STARTED MARK RYPIEN WHO GOT LIKE, 50 POINTS, SO HOW DO YOU THINK MY WEEKEND WAS, ASSHOLE? GAAAHHHH, I NEED A NEW KICKER.”
See, fantasy football is a lot like dreaming. It’s fun to participate in, but when someone else is telling you about their dream or heroic fairytale-football victory/agonizing defeat, it’s really only interesting if it specifically involves you.
But now my reign of avoidance is coming to an end.
See, a few months back, I switched to a different department at work. And in this new department, everyone participates in a league against one another. Since I like this department—and this group of people—I’ve decided that, why the hell not, let’s go ahead and be a part.
So I need your help.
See, I know football (to a better degree than most casual football fans, I’d say, though I’d never profess to be an expert) and I know good stats when I see them, and I know good players. (What I mean to say is that I’m not like my wife would be going into a fantasy league; I will not pick players JUST because I’ve heard of them or “because they have a funny name.”)
That being said, there’s more to fantasy football than just being smart about football itself. There’s a strategy when it comes to drafting, there are sleepers one can uncover and there are philosophies that help some armchair super-dorks be perennial pretend winners.
So how can I be the best fantasy-football guy?
Any tips or tricks that have worked for you?
How can I avoid having a repeat of the Daunte Culpepper Experience?
Should I start a band and name it The Daunte Culpepper Experience?
Thanks in advance for making me a winner.
Don’t ask me, I drafted Kordell Stewart in the first round after his “Slash” year.
I can tell you this, everything everyone tells you in the comments section from guys who actually play Fantasy Football, will be, without a doubt, a lie. Fantasy Football players are full of more bul**hit than Taylor Swift’s boy friends and are just as paranoid as Darrell Porter (That will take a little work.).
Ok, here is one hint, there is only one Chief worth taking, no one knows who this is, but I will tell you in my secret code language. Jamalnay Charlesnay.
Shhhh….
If you play in a IDP league, D. Johnson is a lock. Oh, I gave too much away. Derrick J.
I played fantasy football one year (about 6 years ago). I went on-line and pulled a player rating list for each position 5 minutes before I left for the draft party. Followed it religiously. Spent 2 minutes each week deciding on my “starters”. I quickly found out the purpose of this activity was to trash talk with other “owners” and brag about “my” players like they were my children when they did good and my self-esteem should be wrapped up in whether Adrian Peterson scored multiple TD’s. B-O-R-I-N-G. Made it to the championship game, and received a long e-mail rant from my opponent about how he was going destroy me in the “big game”. WTF? Lost, and at the wrap party I had to attend to receive my $150 2nd place money, I was required to listen to the genius and masculine prowess it took to win this mighty game. Fantasy football is just a huge dick swinging contest. Pass.
Ha ha ha! I’m inclined to agree, but again, I want to be a “team player” or whatever. Thankfully, I don’t know that anyone else I’ll be in the league with is like, super-serious or anything. That might make it a little less intense.
Have fun wasting time!
I plugged in my Mom into my fantasy league last year after one of my buddies quit, assuming I’d just do her roster every week. She ended up getting really into it and won my league.
She took Drew Brees in RD1 on the logic that he was cute.
So it is kinda like the NCAA bracket challenges. Not real betting, but fun stuff.
This is awesome.