Memorial Day is finally here…
Can you believe it’s been a year already? It seems like only yesterday we were all going to the cemetery and paying respect to our fine nation’s departed service people. Well, those of us who actually (*cough*) know what the holiday is about, that is.
To the rest of everyone, it’s merely nothing more than a three-day weekend filled with grilled meat products, social gatherings, gallons of booze and perhaps a trip to a local lake or piss-filled community pool. I’m not saying this is okay, necessarily, but it would be inappropriate to mislead the readers into believing we’re a nation who generally gives a shit about much of anything.
So while you’re busy screaming at lake babes to show their tits, I’ll be sitting somberly in a graveyard thinking about the single dead veteran I know.
But if you’re hell-bent on hedonism, it’s not my business to hold you back. In fact, I’m of a mind to help you. One needn’t break the bank procuring party supplies that will likely be left-behind in a scary, critter-infested Ozark wilderness. Craigslist has a lot of shit for cheap. (If you don’t mind venturing into a dimly lit corner of Belton to buy a dented charcoal grill, that is.)
Let’s see what we can find to get this party started right.
CharBroil Bistro Electric Grill – $95 (Platte City)
Like new, great for apartments who do not allow gas grills 95.00 or best offer
Well, nothing says, “I’m a fanatic for the Jetsons” like whatever the fuck this is. Have you ever wanted to pretend to grill in the future from the comfort of your space-apartment? Then THIS is the grill for you! Okay, seriously… don’t buy this grill. This was just a test to see who’s following along.
Weber Mini Grill – $10 (Western Shawnee)
Selling this mini Weber grill. Great for camping or small grilling experience. This grill is the small version and the grill surface measures 14″ across. This grill is in excellent condition. $10. Call show (redacted). No Texts
Look, I have absolutely no goddamned idea what a “small grilling experience” is, but I 
guarantee that phrase comes from somewhere on the box. Because when you’re dealing with a grill that will cook approximately two-and-a-half bratwursts at once, you’ve GOTTA sell that shit hard. You know, by suggesting that it provides a great “small grilling experience.”
Weber charcoal grill – $45 (Kansas City, KS)
Used Weber grill for sale! Great for bbq or anything else you want to burn. Diameter 18.5″. I’m moving otherwise I’d be keeping this. I’ll probably give you all my leftover charcoal too. I won’t give you the dog, though she is the best taste tester.
Okay, this might be the best craigslist ad I’ve ever seen. Legitimately. Lets take a look at it, piece-by-piece.
“Used Weber grill for sale!” –Something about that exclamation point really fucking tickles me. Let’s! Sell! This! Grill!
“Great for bbq or anything else you want to burn.” So clearly this guy has used the grill to burn things other than food, which is absolutely delightful/terrifying. (Body parts? Classified documents? We’ll probably never know!)
“I’m moving otherwise I’d be keeping this.” Fact: You CANNOT move with a grill. It’s just… not allowed. Crazy, I know.
“I’ll probably give you all my leftover charcoal too.” I love the “probably” here. He “might.” He “hasn’t decided.” But seriously, what in the hell will he do with it if he doesn’t give it to you? That’s MY question.
“I won’t give you the dog, though she is the best taste tester.” Thanks for clarifying. Because for a minute there, I was like, WHOA, FREE FUCKING DOG WITH GRILL!
I really hope someone buys this guy’s grill. He worked hard on this ad, injected a bit of personality, and he’s clearly fleeing the state after burning up non-food related things on his grill.
Okay, so you’ve got your grill, and now you need your meat.
Meat Rabbits – $1520 (S. KC,MO)
I have several very nice meat rabbits as breeding stock.
NZW’s are $20 each….. have does and bucks available
CA/NZW cross $15 each – does and bucks available
Our rabbitry is hormone and anti-biotic free and we have breeding stock in 7 states.
Butchered rabbit is sold at $7.99 lb.
Monthly and yearly farm shares available. Please inquire.
I seriously don’t… I can’t even. I don’t know what is happening here. It can’t ACTUALLY be legal to sell meat on craigslist, right? WTF? MEAT RABBITS? I just… okay. This was frightening and I’m never searching craigslist for “meat” again. (Just kidding, I did it, and HOLY SHIT. Goats… lambs… more rabbits.) Just buy your meat from that Mexican dude with the truck that comes to your house like the rest of us do. Moving on.
So now you’ve got the grill and your meat rabbits, and so you need some shit to do at the pool or lake, right? Let’s see what we can find for water-recreation purposes.
Floating Basketball Net and Kids Items for Swimming Pool – $5 (Shawnee)
Contact me through this listing if interested and with any questions. Cash Only. $5 total for everything. Willing to meet somewhere close to I-35 and 75th Street. Floating Basketball Net for the pool with inflatable basketball. Pool Foam Fun Basketball, Soccer Ball, and Football. 2 Splash Bombers Pool Foam Fun Frisbee’s. Count of (4) Torpedo Deep Diver Game Pool Toys.
Okay, at first glance, this seems reasonable, and possibly even a good deal. $5.00 for all of this stuff? That appears to be in decent condition? Then you realize that he says he’ll meet you somewhere—he’ll meet you somewhere, to unload FIVE DOLLARS worth of pool toys—and you realize that this man is going to murder you. Do not contact this man about pool toys. It is a ploy to get your skin or something.
Women’s Inflatable Rocking Float – $20 (N. Kansas City)
Adult 37 inch ROCKING FLOAT. Pink with cup and /or Beer Holder. New in Box. Never been opened. Text me if interested. Will trade!!
I almost breezed right past this until I saw the magic phrase: WILL TRADE!! (The double exclamation points really let me know they were serious about fucking trading, too.) This opens up a whole world of possibilities in my quest to own this in-the-box inflatable lady thing. HOW MANY MEAT RABBITS WOULD YOU TAKE FOR THIS, SIR?
NEW INFLATABLE RUBBER RAFT WITH PUMP AND OARS CI-CHI’S BOAT – $50 (COLUMBIA,MO)
HERE IS A NEW NEVER USED CI CHI’S ADVERTISING INFLATABLE RUBBER RAFT. THIS UNIT HAS NEVER BEEN USED, IT COMES WITH PUMP AND OARS. I AM SELLING IT FOR $50.00. IT WILL BE A LOT OF FUN THIS SUMMER. PLEASE CONTACT ROGER AT (redacted) IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
A) I’m not sure what in the hell this is, tbh.
B) Is it Chi-Chi’s, the failed Mexican restaurant? I mean, he says “Ci-Chi’s,” but he also types in all caps throughout, so it’s a little hard to know if he’s just stupid or if he’s crazy. The logo seems familiar, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen a real live “Tits Mexican Restaurant.”
C) I normally wouldn’t condone driving all the way to Columbia for something so puzzling, but like the poster says, “IT WILL BE A LOT OF FUN THIS SUMMER.” Damn straight it will.
Speedo mens swim trunks – $5 (Platte City)
Swimsuit in perfect shape! Size medium. Black & red in color. No signs of wear. I can easily meet near Zona Rosa or Legends.
And it doesn’t get any weirder than this, folks. For the low price of $5.00, you can go meet a man—he’s flexible on location—and buy his used Speedos. As he likes to say, “swimsuit in perfect shape,” whatever that means.
Happy Memorial Day, everyone!
Funny stuff.
Is the Meat Rabbit guy the same guy who wants to sell his Speedo?
Creepy. Jesus Lefty, gas is 3.50 a gallon. I bet if you called him up and asked him how far he would travel to sell his “Speedo”, his name would be Buffalo Bill and he would meet you in Springfield if necessary, in an unmarked white van. If you negotiate on the phone, ask him if he will throw in some “Lotion for your skin”.
Used Speedo. Go**amn that is f**cked up.
Haha! I know… the whole idea of DRIVING somewhere to sell you something for $5 seems shady.
I’ll offer you treefitty for the semen and probably poop stained Speedo’s but not a cent more. And I need them delivered directly to my dungeon… errr basement.
$50 says he shows up to sell the speedo driving a panel van and wearing a fedora….I have watched the crime shows.
“I’m never searching craigslist for “meat” again. (Just kidding, I did it, and HOLY $hit”
Best double entendre or Harley quote Ive read all week.
Yeah, I’m sure if you keyword searched “meat” in the personals section, you’d get some terrifying results. It’s weird enough if you just look under the regular “for sale” section. I guess I just didn’t know you could buy rabbits and goats and sheep. Seriously.
Sure man, cragslist is all ’bouty ’bout the animal husbandry.
tag “meat rabbits” to craig’s stories as well please
Done and done.
funniest sh*t I’ve read here in a while. great way to start the day, lefty. I think i’ll leave the craigslist searching to you and others… I ain’t goin’ there except for snow removal services.
Thanks, Mike. I appreciate that.
I’ve never had a bad experience buying, selling or giving shit away, but you run into some characters while doing so. We gave away a full-sized mattress and box springs a few weeks ago, and man… the people who came and got it were just… wow. It felt fishy– middle aged couple from Minnesota who were here in town helping their son refurbish the house he just bought—and they’d been sleeping on the floor since they got here. The emails they sent seemed so over the top with “praise Jesus” stuff that I was fairly certain I’d get murdered.
We agreed that they could come pick it up at 8am the next morning. They show up at 7, and they looked so teeming with meth that I thought I’d get high just looking at them. She wanted to come in and use my bathroom, which was kind of terrifying since my pregnant wife was sleeping in the next room, but I didn’t feel like I could say no.
Anyway, they took the mattress, tied it to the roof of their beat-to-shit Chevy Corsica, and I haven’t been killed yet. But if I am, you all will know what happened.
Why on earth would you put up that terrible photo for Memorial Day? The symbol of our nation’s freedeom laying bunched up in the dirt around some nude woman in a cemetary? What a slap in the face to the men and women who fought bravely and died protecting the dignity of that flag. Seems like America has completely forgotten basic flag ettiquette.
I will assume that Hearne put that photo up……this is the same guy that will put Craig’s stories about banging hookers and doing blow. I assure you that he has no problem with that picture and you are barking up the wrong tree.
Haha. No, I picked it. It was one of the first images that came up through google image search, and I picked it because A) my point in the lede was that nobody treats Memorial Day properly anymore– and there’s a picture illustrative of that point– and B) the picture was the best fit given the image parameters of the site.
Well, there you go.
lefty….some of the funniest stuff on the net…
stop writing baseball..focus on this stuff and you’ll be riding the big money
wave to your “steup house” “in ground pool”….stuffed pool animals..
*I love this cg stuff…go for it man…its your schtick…and maybe
glaze will showcawe you with jj walked as your opening act!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love it all!@