The Lindsay Lohan Laid List
The train wreck we love to hate; the girl who should have been a Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan is back in the news with a list of dudes she’s slept with.
Somehow the list came into the possession of In Touch magazine. No one’s quite fully sure if it’s real or fake, it could be just another stunt to get her career less career back in the news, but the list is a virtual who’s who of celebrities. So much so that a few of the names have been blurred out by the editors of In Touch!
Headlining the list – among the many others – is none other than, James Franco, Justin Timberlake, Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine and Colin Farrell. I had the list examined by a forensics handwriting analyst here in Kansas City and one blurred out line clearly reveals the name “Craig Glazer” when viewed under black light.
Personally, I’m betting the list is as fake as she is and leaked to get her sorry ass back in the news.
*******
If it Wasn’t for Your Breast I Would Have Fallen!
Barnard
Part-time band teacher Tod A. Barnard at St. Thomas More School in Independence has been suspended after allegations of “suspicious behavior.”
According to a police report, an 11-year-old female student says Barnard would pretend to trip and then grab her breast in an attempt to stop himself. She told a school counselor that he’d done this on several occasions since December.
The school sent a letter to parents concerning the issue but no details were included. No charges have been filed as of yet. I’ve got nothing else – just send him to prison and let his roommates sort it out.
Before he checks in, get him one of those Life Alert buttons and he’ll be mumbling, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” before you know it. This time though, there won’t be an 11 year old girl’s breast to break the fall.
Speaking of prison…
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Too FAT for Prison
James Olivos, of Seminole County, FL failed to surrender and report to prison on three – count ’em – consecutive occasions, claiming that he won’t get the proper treatment for his morbidly fat ass. Olivos pleaded guilty to running a multimillion-dollar mortgage fraud scheme and was sentenced in December to serve five years and repay $2.8 million.
In addition to his obesity, Olivos said he suffered from rectal bleeding, pain in his feet, coughing up blood, and ADHD. Magistrate Karla Spaulding disagreed saying, “I don’t see anything that confirms these complaints.”
Olivos may not have rectal bleeding now, but I’m betting he will soon enough. Maybe the ADHD will keep him distracted.
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Mom asks, “Do we really know anybody?”
If you recall back in April of 2013, down in sleepy little Ottawa, KS, dirt ball Kyle Flack allegedly killed four folks. After a preliminary hearing Wednesday, Franklin County prosecutors determined they have enough evidence to move to a trial.
Flack killed Steven White, 31, Andrew Stout, 30, Kaylie Bailey, 21, and 18-month-old Lana Bailey. His mom listened as authorities described the way each died.
And this slime bag didn’t just kill four people allegedly.
*** White was shot in the head and chest.
*** Stout was killed by five shotgun blasts to the head, neck and back – five shotgun blasts.
*** Kaylie Bailey was raped, bound, gagged and shot in the back of the head and neck.
*** And the baby was shot in the back with a shotgun. A pathologist testified that baby Lana didn’t die immediately. So what did Flack do with her? He stuffed a dying, 18 month old baby in a suitcase and threw it in a creek.
Flack’s mother’s interpretation of the events:
“Anybody is capable of violence. Anybody can get mad. But what he’s accused of doing in that house, I can’t see my son doing.”
Just before she was administered a MENSA exam, Flack’s mom conceded that she thinks he’ll go to prison for some of the charges adding, “He’s got problems.”
Before leaving the court room she was given the “2014 Apostle of the Obvious Award” by the Ottawa Chamber of Commerce.
Flack will be arraigned on April 22 and within seven days after that they can decide if they will pursue the death penalty for Kaylie and Lana’s murders. I’m afraid I’d have to volunteer to push the syringe on this loser.
“So much so that a few of the names have been blurred out by the editors of In Touch!”
Would that it were so my friend. It is comforting to know that you will always look for the best in every situation. There are millions of yangs like me to that ying. “In Touch” is stretching the tension into next week’s issue, when they will reveal the Rest Of the Story and The Rest of the Names.
That list is a little short. There is a movie here with Liam Neeson desperately trying to interview those forgotten souls, a number somewhere in the vicinity of the cast of Ben Hur, who didn’t make “Lindsey’s List” in a last bitch effort to save another Hollywood doyenne from obscurity and 3rd rate reality shows.
Oh, the whorror!
The short list is those who didn’t have sex with her?
If the fat guy was trim, he’d probably be heading up the Treasury or Fed or a Too-Big-To-Prosecute financial institution.
Mr. Bernard is probably applying right now for the job of being Cardinal Law’s valet in Vatican City.
How did you miss the great humanitarian story of the city giving funds for a new business on the blighted Plaza?
RE Lohan –
One is put in mind of an ancient mot that ends thusly: “…if you can find my keys we’ll drive out.”
Be sure and grab my highschool ring.
Like throwing hot dog down a hallway
Guess where her new “Monster Garage” tattoo is?
Jeez you got a big pussy.
Jeez you got a big pussy.
Poor Lindsay.
In somewhat related news, if I can Paul, I would like to continue with the actors and acrimony theme.
I always watch on TWC, channel 1400, the Johnny Carson 10 minute snippets of interviews he did so many years ago. Today’s interview was with Truman Capote.
http://tv.msn.com/tv/episode/carson-on-tcm/untitled.41/
During his 10 minute take on actors, a taste of his coming “Answered Payers” (?), he savages Marlon Brando, Laurence Olivier and Jane Fonda. Indeed he praises Johnny faintly to his face.
It might be worth a look.
🙂
push the syringe? unfortunately paul, it’s intravenous. better to bring back hanging and volunteer to open the trap door for this puke. oh, and make it a public exhibition too. just like the old days. hey, good enough for Perry Smith and Dick Hickok.
While you are correct that its IV, the version I’ve seen loads three syringes into a unit that does the push on an automated basis. So you’re right AND I’m right.
funny stuff wislon….this is funny stuff.
maybe now glaze will mention “paul d. Wilson….yeah…I got his career started…
he started with mee…I made him huge…without me he’d be still writing at
um…lets see KCC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
FUNNYY …BUT SORRY…THESE STORIES ARE OLD…BEEN IN NEWS
AT LEAST 3 OR 4 DAYS…LETS GET CURRENT!
your friend
Harley
Harley, you DOLT; read the headline! The INTENTION is a review of the news from the week! So if you’re right and the stories are 3-4 days old, I failed! There are 7 days in the week, I missed a few.
Context, Harley….it’s a review of the week!
Or he’s using a metric week.
I wonder though, why you don’t write about next week?
Maybe co-write with harley.
Ooooooo! You may be on to something; The News Before Its News! I like that!
its like old news wislon….its been out there
for days….if you read the comments under
these stories the comments seem funnier
than your satire.
sure…write something that grabs people…
like articles about
kid stalkers???????????
wearing camo outfit to catch the jewel thief?
stories about murder and intrigue?
hiding in a trunk while the fbi troll thru
a parking lot…
ya know…the usual stuff you entertain us
with!
Harley, I’m sorry. I know I disappoint you with my stories and I apologize, but you’re not the typical KCC reader. All your news comes from USA TODAY with its color pictures and 7th grade reading level demo so you’re far better informed.
Please allow me to continue this, unabated, for the little people, the less informed, the less intelligent. They seem to enjoy this.
Thanks in advance for being my single biggest fan, des3iple and reader.
Your friend,
Paul
I confess Paul. I kinda liked her, but she wouldn’t shut the fuck up. All night wanting to go to the casino, watch ‘hip hop in love’ on cable, doing some kind of pills that made her not shut up. Anyways, I think she took a job at Temptations or Whispers and is hanging out with Dare, he doesn’t bang her he just has her come into the studio so he can make fun of her on the show. Figures.
I think we (collectively) did know Kyle Flack. He had a previous conviction for a violent crime, 2nd degree murder, and was a felon in possession of a firearm.
Correct. I say put him in a BIG suitcase and throw him in the creek!
Feed him to the hogs….then lets eat the hogs.
So James Franco isnt gay…..hmmm.