There’s simply no way to sugar coat horse plop: last year’s 2-14 Kansas City Chiefs were abysmal. We all know this, and we all know why. Godawful quarterback play. A worthless coach. Players failing to play to their potential. Players who played to their potential not playing cohesively as a unit. Suicide.
Quite honestly– particularly when considering the whole Jovan Belcher thing–it really couldn’t have been much worse.
So owner Clark Hunt went out this offseason with the sole purpose of turning a bunch of bullshit into… bull salad? He got a fresh-faced general manager, a change-of-scenery-faced coach and armloads of new players: Anthony Fasano. Mike DeVito. Sean Smith. Dunta Robinson. Some quarterback guy.
But will it be enough? Can the lowly Chiefs cast off the shackles of abject failure and once again become the team the city knows and loves?
Here’s my game-by-game prediction. I think some of you may be surprised. (And then again, maybe you won’t. I suppose it really just depends on what you think the Chiefs are going to do this year.)
On with it!
Sunday, September 8th, 12:00PM, at Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars are terrible. In fact, there’s a very real chance that they’re as bad as last year’s Chiefs. That said, they’ve got Maurice Jones Drew and some good, young wide receivers. (Good thing they don’t have a quarterback who can get them the ball with any sort of consistency. LOOKING AT YOU, BLAINEY.) I don’t think this is a blowout, by any means, but I think the Chiefs take a close one to start the season. W
Sunday, September 15th, 12:00PM, vs. Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys are one of the NFL’s biggest enigmas, year-in, year-out. Just when they seem on the precipice of putting everything together, they drop a mediocre 8-8 season. They still don’t have a running game that can adequately compliment their passing efforts, but Dez Bryant finally coming into his own certainly lessens some of that blow. But this is kickoff at Arrowhead, and that still means something… maybe. I think the Chiefs win a close game that never really seems all that close. W
Thursday, September 19th, 7:25PM, at Philadelphia Eagles
ANDY REID OVERDOSES ON CHEESESTEAKS DURING HIS RETURN TO THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE. I don’t think the Eagles are a very good team. Mike Vick is and forever will be Mike Vick, which is either pretty amazing (not all that often these days) or mind-blowingly terrible. They’re a team in transition—perpetually, it seems—but I don’t think they choke on a national stage. I think Vick gives the Chiefs’ defense fits, and Philly wins big. L
Sunday, September 29th, 12:00PM vs. New York Giants
The Giants are always good. Even when they start off the season looking like sautéed garbage, they somehow manage to win their last five, secure a Wild Card, and breeze through the playoffs, making a conceptual mockery of “home field advantage.” But this is still early in the season, when a Giants game can go either way. So call me crazy, but I think KC frustrates Googly-Eye Manning early and often, and the Chiefs win this one by double-digits. W
Sunday, October 6th, 12:00PM, at Tennessee Titans
I like Titans’ QB Jake Locker, but I still don’t think 2013 is the year he puts it all together. He’s still young and capable of making poor decisions, which the Chiefs’ revamped secondary will capitalize on. Chris Johnson isn’t the Chris Johnson of that one remarkable season and the kind of decent other ones, but he’s got a nice new compliment in Shonn Greene. Honestly, this is a really hard game to call. The Titans perplex me this season, so this could be a coin flip. Since it’s in Tennessee, I’m going to default to the home team. L
Sunday, October 13th, 12:00PM vs. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders have basically named former Ohio State ne’er-do-well Terrelle Pryor as their opening day QB. The Oakland Raiders, as per usual, are poised to be a very bad team. The chances that Pryor is still starting in game six against the Chiefs are slim, and the alternative really isn’t much better: an inexperienced Matt Flynn. This one is a blood bath in the good guys favor. W
Sunday, October 20th, 12:00PM vs. Houston Texans
This is the middle game of a three game home-stand which SHOULD be a tremendous boon, but I think the Chiefs get crushed. Houston’s offense is a perennial juggernaut (despite the propensity for QB Matt Schaub to have an occasionally inconsistent game, they’ve got the ridiculous Andre Johnson and TD machine Arian Foster to carry the weight) and I’m fairly certain defensive end J.J. Watt could single-handedly squash the Chiefs all by himself. This one doesn’t even feel close, unfortunately. L
Sunday, October 27th, 12:00PM, vs. Cleveland Browns
Hey, Cleveland: cool team, you guys! I think that number six overall pick Barkevious Mingo is going to be an absolute stud (and the name of my next dog, without a doubt), but he is surrounded by other Cleveland Browns, which doesn’t bode well for anyone. The Chiefs will obliterate the Browns, and the city of Cleveland will collectively shrug, because hey, they’re the Browns and they’re kind of used to it by now. W
Sunday, November 3rd, 12:00PM, at Buffalo Bills
The Bills are mostly a wreck. Mark my words: there’s a very real chance that TYLER THIGPEN could be located, signed and starting for hapless Buffalo by November. He’s just hanging around right now, playing some golf and recreationally boating, but HE’S KEEPING IN SHAPE, you betcha, just in case that call comes. I honestly feel bad for Buffalo… I really do. It’s like Cleveland, only shittier. This is a definite W.
BYE WEEK. SWEET, MERCIFUL BYE WEEK.
Sunday, November 17th, 3:05PM, at Denver Broncos
After the Colts ditched Peyton Manning, and before he signed with the Broncos, I wrote a column that basically said, “PEYTON MANNING NECK NO WELL; HE’S NECK WILL BRAKE SO PLS DON’T SIGN HIM CHEEFS.” Obviously, I’m an absolute fucking idiot. I’m willing to admit that. After Thursday night’s performance against the defending Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Ravens, it’s pretty clear that Manning is completely fine and will throw for 215 touchdowns this season. If they played the Chiefs 16 times in 2013, they’d win at least 15 of those contests. L
Sunday, November 24th, 12:00PM vs. San Diego Chargers
Thank God that the Chargers are bad now, which will allow the Chiefs to win this game. W Because…
Sunday, December 1st, 12:00PM vs. Denver Broncos
JESUS LORD HOW IS THIS FAIR TO PLAY THEM TWICE IN THREE WEEKS? Look, I already covered this one. I don’t care if the Arrowhead crowd is so loud that Manning’s ears explode and he has to play this game with nothing but smoking, bleeding holes on either side of his head: THE BIONIC QB CANNOT BE STOPPED. This one might end up a little bit closer on account of the home field advantage, but I think the Broncos still win with ease. L
Sunday, December 8th, 12:00PM at Washington Re*****s
Robert Griffin III is no Peyton Manning, but he’s not exactly chopped liver, either. Provided that Mike Shanahan hasn’t shattered RGIII’s knee to smithereens by this point in the season, I think the supremely talented young man runs roughshod over a tired, recently Manning’d Chiefs’ D. L
Sunday, December 15th, 3:00PM, at Oakland Raiders
There’s a good chance that I’LL be quarterbacking the Raiders by week 15, and although I’ll be better than Pryor and Flynn, I’m still not much of a threat to do anything other than hand the ball to Darren McFadden while shitting my pants in terror. Therefore, I think the Chiefs win this game. W
Sunday, December 22nd, 12:00PM vs. Indianapolis Colts
I think the Colts are a handful of players away from being once again regularly dominant, but they’re definitely well on their way. And while it would seem that maybe Arrowhead gives KC a slight edge in this one, I’ve got a terrible feeling that the Colts pull it out late. (Which is better than “too late,” which is what happened to Mr. and Mrs. Harley 60-something years ago.) I also think this will be a high-scoring affair, so take the over. Even if it’s set at like, 100. L
Sunday, December 29th, 3:25PM, at San Diego Chargers
And this is the dagger. San Diego is bad, but Phillip Rivers will have one of those beautiful, lucid moments in senility where he doesn’t turn the ball over, throws for 300+ yards and doesn’t call his son by the name of a brother who’s been dead for 42 years. These moments occasionally happen in the winter of our years, but unfortunately, this one will happen at the expense of the Chiefs. L
So there it is, my season prediction. 8-8. No playoff spot, obviously, but a marked improvement from last year’s abomination. The good news (or bad news, depending on how you look at life) is that I’ve got them going 6-3 before the bye week. So at least we’ll have excitement and intrigue for a good portion of the season, I suppose.
But enough about me… how do YOU think they’ll fare in the 2013 campaign? Sound off in the comments section, but please keep it under 1,500 words. (I didn’t.)
As per usual, find me on Twitter, @StanfordWhistle
At jax win
Vs cowboys win
At eagles loss
Vs giants loss
At titans win
Vs raiders win
Vs texans loss
Vs browns win
At bills loss
At broncos loss
Vs chargers win
Vs broncos loss
At skins win
At raiders win
Vs colts loss
At chargers win
9 and 7, tops.
That seems reasonable.
Sam Melinger in the KC Star did a game by game breakdown and I couldn’t finish it. I did finish yours Lefty, cause I like ya.
The over under bet at 8 and 8 is as good as it gets, that puts you over the Vegas bet at 7 and 9.
Keroauc was right the other day, trying to figure out this Chiefs team is tough. A better bet might be the over under on the number of words and syntax errors in Harley’s next polemic. At least there is a formula for that. If Harley thinks he has a $600,000.00 house and wants you, with 4 others to bet $10,000.00 that he doesn’t, than you take the $600,000.00, divided by the $10,000.00 which equals 60. Then multiply the average number of headaches Hearne would get editing Harley’s “High Society” column (“Hey Hearne, sorry to bother you again, but is Crosby Kemper realted to Bing Crosby? Just leave a messge, you’re gonna love this columm, I bet you didn’t know I was in some of the “Road Movies” did ya?) by the number of times Harley calls someone a loser over a 7 day period and YIPPIE!! off to Vegas.
8 and 8 sounds good to me.
🙂
Thanks, Chuck. Mellinger’s take might have been a little more informed, but I doubt he took a jab at Harley, which is why I win.
At worst I think they go 7-9 and at the very best– catching a break or two– I can see 9-7. I have a hard time seeing anything out of that range.
chuck, I’ve got the $10,000. Need someone with a truck to help me carry all the Falstaff cans to the recycler.
I even offered to meet on his stated home turf.
I wonder if the sludge drying bed over his “home” counts as part of the house and value?
Done and done Orphan.
🙂
My final pick is 7-9
I’m gonna take Lefty’s 8 and 8 Glaze.
Weak schedule and hope springing eternal.
Chiefs have never beat the Eagles. Maybe a karma thing, those turkey feathers in the headdress posing as Eagle feathers?
The NFC East looks like the AFC West the last couple of years. First time the Chiefs played the Washington Football Bigots, they knocked them out of a seven-game winning streak. RGIII can’t make up for the hole Dan Snyder has put the team. Big upset.
A sweep of the NFC East is very possible. Giants are really good at playing down to their opponents level.
As much as I want to pencil in two wins against Oakland and San Diego and two losses against the Broncos, it is the AFC West. An even split with anything but even games.
I think having the Broncos that late in the season bodes well for the Chiefs. After eight games they should have it all together. Or a reasonable facsimile.
Seems the folks elsewhere have more faith in the Chiefs than we do. Someone at Grantland picked them to win the AFC West (but the Broncos in the Super Bowl).
I will guarantee and back it up with my $300,000 ride that the Chiefs will play 16 games this season.
Double or nothing that Alex Smith doesn’t even suit up during the BYE Week.
I can tell you the score of EVERY game played before they happen.
I’d be a little more confident in your picks if you knew that Carson Palmer is now the starting QB for the Arizona. That said, 7-9 to 9-7 sounds about right.
Oh, sweet Lord. You’re absolutely right. Totally whiffed on that. Correcting.
An 8-8 prediction is safe akin Clinton not inhaling, nominal, convenient as Monica was easy, a cheroot in lieu Gurkha’s HMR – in a football sense, ‘no cigar’. To break even is to please no one save the NFL, nod its parity driven dreams their entire 32 (which is to say, Chiefs are more likely to sink or soar as but 4 times in 53 seasons to date have they tread water.
The good, the bad & the ugly, i.e., the hopeful, pessimistic & likelihood:
~ Alex Smith replicates Oakland’s 1967, QB Daryle Lamonica acquired in trade same leading the Raiders to the Superbowl – Chiefs finish 12-4, everything breaking right, injuries minimal and the glory days once were KC’s norm return (not to be confused Schottenheimer’s cubic zirconia 1990’s.)
~ Born of 43 years Chiefs wandering NFL wilderness, Smith winging Cassel-like tosses that flutter in the autumn wind compared a Mad Bomber’s rifle-like strikes, dump-offs for 5 in lieu 50+ lasers for touchdowns, Bowe & [fill in the blank whatever non-descript other] instead of Wells & Biletnikoff (which is to say, 4-12 KC’s epitaph.)
Merits & demerits every weighed, the more likely is a mark somewhere between and betwixt, my opine 7-9. Reality is, all prognostication be pointless due injuries & other effluvium transpiring yearly, 2012’s 2-14 shipwreck (who woulda thunk it before) the evidence muss up the best laid guesstimates.
~
The season:
KC vs @Jack – should the Chiefs lose, don’t bother watching the rest of the season, just bury them on the spot & become a Broncos fan. Chiefs in a rout, W
@KC vs Dall – the expectation balloon over-swelled, it springs a leak; close game but no cigar; Chiefs L
KC vs @Phil – Chip Kelly’s ‘Duckgistic’ born fast-break offense vs Reid/Pederson/Ault et al’s sorta pistol one; one side shoots self in in the foot at a crucial moment – Chiefs L
@KC vs Nyg – this one will be ugly, KC playing the part; easy one to predict – Chiefs L
KC vs @Tenn – Chris Johnson is still faster than Jamaal Charles, but KC is still capable of a surprise/getting off the ropes – Chiefs W
@KC vs Oakland – Raiders have beaten the Chiefs six straight in KC, every year since 2007. In a ‘shocker’ that really shouldn’t be, our ship finally comes in – Chiefs W
@KC vs Hou – back to harsh reality, KC falls – hard – to the Texans Superbowl caliber team aft taking an early lead in the game – Chiefs L
@KC vs Clev – Beavis vs Butthead; Chiefs W
KC vs @Buff – make or break game of the season; KC hasn’t won a game in Buffalo when it mattered since January 1967… won’t do it in 2013 – weaker Bills upset the Chiefs, L
[ Bye week, Harold Ensley’s ‘Gone Fishin’ taken too literally case the Chiefs remainder their season ]
KC vs @Den – a bloodbath & the red is tinged with yellow, not blue; Chiefs L
@KC vs Sd – with the season now over in reality if not officially, Chiefs relax and do what they do best – raise false hope; Chiefs W
@KC vs Den – groundhog day; Broncos come in flat but it’s KC that flat-lines; Chiefs L
KC vs @Wash – only the margin the final score victory will be in doubt; playoff hopes are now mathematically fini; Chiefs L
KC vs @Oak – Chiefs complete a season sweep… who cares; Chiefs W
@KC vs Ind – an overtime game somebody has to win, so KC does; Chiefs W
KC vs @Sd – aft 15 rounds, all that remains be re-proven is that win or lose, whenever Antonio Gates meets Eric Berry, latter gets bloodied/schooled yet again; KC è finita… Chargers prevail – Chiefs L
Character(s) counts and so offer up my 3,652 same; hopes & dreams as cynical nature aside, 7-9 my crystal-ballin’ suspicion. However, as I am under the influence Vicodin as I type this, don’t hold me to it…
Who knows?
I would switch the Cowboys and Giants in your prognostication. The Giants are in another 2 year long coma. The Cowboys are ascending.
I like the Cowboys to actually win that division.
Just my opinion Kero.
P.S. Your Chargers are falling on hard times, I think Rivers’ arm is shot.
On this day, September 7th, 1963, the NFL Football Hall Of Fame was dedicated in Canton Ohio.
I am hoping that guys like Bobby Bell, Otis Taylor, Willie Lanier and Lenny the Cool, will some day have some company from the kids on our roster today.
For our city, our neighbors, friends, Chief’s fans, Mr. and Mrs. North and South America and all the ships at sea, a GREAT SEASON FOR THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!!!!
A natural faux pas… Otis Taylor ‘should’ be in the Hall of Fame; in my book (as yours) #89 already is. I hated it when Marshall & Cash wore ‘the gamebreaker’s’ numerals – about died when Baldwin defiled it.
(PS) They’re not my Chargers… only in the AFL days were they my third fave, behind the Chiefs & (gasp) Raiders – a love of football before solitary allegiance any one team then, love lost in general today (sports now more a force of habit than reverence mine.)
I knew it, when I said it.
🙂
Lowe and behold, I knew ye did (tho some others might not have.) For what it’s worth, I also found #89 Rison not to my liking; talent to be sure, a prima donna just (to) the same (degree).
Otis isn’t doing well health-wise… he needs to get his pro football Hall of Fame due – STAT.
Yep.
Chuckles and Brando you boys can come serve me drinks in the owners suite during the game. Went to Grambling with Clark. We were frat bros in Cumma Lotta Smegma. Im picking my nose and my ass, and a couple of fever blisters. Going to san toupee next week. George and brad and a few of the girls from Missy B’s are going to be hanging out on my yacht, the SS “Chicks with Kickstands”. See you loosers in the funny papers.
Harley, Only thing he hasn’t claimed is being at the Last Supper
No, but he did say he was at the next to the last supper; that’s was the totally private one just for movers and shakers, you know, guys like Harley. Anyone could go to the last supper, next to the last was the one that mattered to the in crowd.
funny…but not the real Harley.
come on dudes you can do better than that.
actually lefty I think is pretty spot on….buti feel the chiefs
beat cowboys…opening day…full house…lots of enthusiasm…
nice day..
and yes…Harley will be inthesuite again to watch thegame.
actually hate thesuites…I liked 101 section I had foryears…
the suites don’t pay attention to thegame…but i’ll take
cowboys…just cause its home opener and the crowd shuld
give kc a 3 point edge.