This was a First Friday weekend so I was slammed Friday-Sunday…
However in the few moments of calm amidst 5,000 people wandering through my little gallery, I started piecing together a story in my head.
The topic?
All the men I’ve heard about the past two weeks that just need to turn in their man cards and get it over with. I offer the following sad excuses for your consideration:
Carl Henrichson
Olathe resident Donna Limbaugh was sitting on her porch, reading the newspaper with a 6 pound Yorkshire sitting at her feet, when neighbor Carl Henrichson walked by taking his cancer stricken Lab for a walk. Precious, the 6 year old Yorkie, bolted and decided to chase the Lab.
Henrichson, according to Limbaugh, drop kicked the dog 4 feet into the air. When it came down, Donna said, “He put his foot on “Precious” and then he raised the other foot so that he actually stood on her. It reminded me of if you were going to step on a bug.”
Henrichson claimed it was “self-defense” and the Olathe police agreed, writing Limbaugh tickets for having an unlicensed, unleashed and now dead dog.
Carl, this dog was the size of a half-gallon of milk, you dolt. Turn it in, you’re no longer a man.
Thomas Newhouse
Newhouse’s cat bit and scratched his fiancée and the best solution douche bag Newhouse could come up with was to place the cat in an animal carrier and hold it under Lake Waukomis, thrashing away until it drowned, while a neighbor and two kids watched.
Eric Zahnd, Platte County Prosecutor, said he found Newhouse’s method of killing the animal “disheartening” but oddly enough, there are no laws against killing your own animal any way you see fit in Platte County.
Zahnd has gotten over 1,200 emails asking for Newhouse to be arrested.
Newhouse is now famous, in a Harley kind of way; Google “Thomas Newhouse drowned cat” and the first 8 pages are full of nothing but this story.
If cats truly have 9 lives, hopefully this one will come back to stuff Newhouse and Henrichson in a carrier while some big dude holds it under water.
Simon Cowell
Simon’s having a baby…..with his best friend’s wife!
There are certain boundaries you don’t cross; one of them is doing your best friend’s wife.
That’s right; this obnoxious turd is expecting a baby with New York socialite Lauren Silverman, who is still married to his bestie, real estate mogul Andrew Silverman. But not-to-worry, she plans to leave her troubled marriage to be with baby-daddy.
Just when you thought the Kardashians cornered the market on bad taste, I give you Cowell.
San Diego Mayor – Bob Filner
Filner has gone up, or down, depending on how you look at it, on sexual harassment charges, after groping and licking the faces of female city employees.
Why did he do it? Simple, it’s not his fault; the city of San Diego failed to provide him with state-required sexual harassment training. He just didn’t know you couldn’t lick girl’s faces or grope their boobulas!
His attorney wrote, “While, to paraphrase Bob Dylan, many might argue that ‘you don’t need a weatherperson to tell you which way the wind blows, Filner may not be facing a lawsuit today if he had undergone the classes.”
How stupid do you think the people of San Diego are, Filner? My friend Chris Merrrill at Voice of Merrill is having a hay day with this guy! Stream KOGO on I-Heart and listen to Merrill dismember this guy. He’s funny and gives you something decent to listen to late afternoons in this vast talk show wasteland we live in here in KC!
http://www.kogo.com/pages/chrismerrill.html
Ariel Castro
The man who abducted 3 women in Ohio, beats and raped them for 10 years, finally got his day in court. And his apology to his victims was what?
He and his victims “lived in harmony.”
It wasn’t his fault, he’s “addicted to porn.”
The girls “weren’t virgins” when he took them. See? It’s better already.
And get this; he wasn’t even a “wife beater”… until he married his wife. I’ll give you a moment to let the true humor of that statement sink in.
He’s the “victim.” Despite years of physical and emotional torture, he claimed the sex with his three victims was “consensual.”
Have fun with that life + 1,000 years sentence. Even in protective custody, I say he will be “released” in less than 24 months, if you get my drift.
Your well-coiffed scribe asks you to go out today and be men of purpose.
If the dog looked like that doggie in the picture and yapped like those overbred dogs do I probably would have punted it too. I would have gone for distance though and forgone the endzone head dance.
Kitty only wanted a bath.
Hang time…..
Dude, I so badly want to laugh at that, but I’m going to have to do it in the quiet confines of my office. I can neither confirm or deny my thoughts on the comment here.
Kitty only wanted a bath??????
The dead Yorkie story reminds of that Sopranos episode when Christopher Moltisante accidentally killed Adriana’s dog “Cosette”, in a heroin induced stupor by sitting on it. The priceless scene of the dogs corpse with it’s tongue hanging out nearly caused me to have a siezure laughing. Not that I condone animal abuse or anything.
Drowning animals used to be the standard method for keeping the number of strays down, as far as I know. While these guys all made bad choices there’s nothing in there that makes it obvious they should turn in thir man cards – what Arial Castro did is still considered normal mating/marriage practice in a large chunk of the world. If he was Muslim the multi-cult police would be insisting that we respect his beliefs and try him under sharia law. Such being the current state of our anarcho-tyranny.
And the women would have been stoned to death by now being the horrible sluts they are.
Good points expat.
I am not for animal cruelty and speaking of the Sopranos, if I see some fu&k stomping on some lady’s Yorkie, I am gonna get a shovel and try out my Paulie Walnuts imitation.
Fu*k that piece of sh*t.
Casto should be hung before sunrise.
I miss smarty.
Thanks, Chuck. I almost got chocked up today, Hearne was digging around and sent me some old comments Smarty made on my stories and comment replies. They were hilarious and you’re right, he’s missed.
There are 2 kinds of people in life-good ones, and bad ones.
Surround yourself with good people, and be the best person you possibly can.
True, Lib. Thats why I left my last line of the story as;
Your well-coiffed scribe asks you to go out today and be men of purpose.
That would solve a lot of problems in todays world, would it not? If we just lived with intention?
Your last line is what inspired those words, my friend.
I think anybody who is to much of a coward to meat me four a fight should loose there man card. That goes four Super Duper Fat Fatty Fatso Dave or any of the rest of you jealous losers. Any of you loser cowards who are jealous of me because women are more attracted to me than any of you should loose there man card. You no who you are! You guys who are to scared to put your money where you’re mouth is and bet on the NFL should lose you’re man card. Those man cards should all be given too me because I am more of a man than all of you haters combined!
OK, I’ll take you up on your offer.
Meet me at 9PM tonight at 27th and Prospect, I’ll be the one with an onion in my beltbuckle.
Dude, can I come hold the newspaper?
Only if you recreate that one scene in Kentucky Fried Movie. You know the one.
I’m with chuck on the yorkie incident. I’d like to dress that prickly in a deer suit and make him spend a few nights at the elmwood cemetery.
Mark, I’m the author of this piece.
I wrote it with an element of seriousness.
Please forgive me if I laugh hysterically at your comment, in the privacy of my office, while scolding you here in public for what a horrific statement that was.
That’s not all that disingenuous, is it?
Prick not prickly.
Your data on Cowell is inaccurate. He barely knows the husband, and the couple had been separated for some time before Cowell began a relationship with her. At least according to some thing I read on the internet somewhere.
Details, schmetails.
Fact, youre not dating a French model you also met on the Internet, are you?
You did the particular a great work writing and revealing the particular hidden helpful features of