Hearne: NFL’s Clueless Clutch Policy Continues to Aggravate

It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world…

Especially where female Chiefs fans are concerned, and it’s only going to get madder. That after savvy National Football League owners banded together to come up with a way to avert a Boston Marathon-like incident without costing them zillions or slowing fans entry into stadiums to a crawl.

Just one problem.

The solution the mostly dudes NFL types,settled on was 100 percent targeted toward women football fans.

We’re talking of course about the NFL’s controversial, new Purse Policy.

Because starting now, women (and I suppose dudes) may only carry small, hand-sized clutches,  clear plastic bags no wider than 12 inches or one-gallon Ziploc type clear baggies into the stadiums. No regular handbags or purses.

The grrrl on the street reaction to date: Suck it, NFL!

“I think it sounds stupid,” says Hobbs fashion buyer Shauna Swanson. “I think it’s pretty standard that a woman is allowed to bring her purse and as long as she allows them to check it, like at any other event, they should be able to carry it.”

The mini clutch option?

“No way, a clutch is a pain in the ass at a sporting event,” Swanson says. “A small clutch is made for special uses, like a special occasion when you dress up and you don’t want to carry a big, bulky bag. Let’s be honest, when you go to a sporting event you’re going to take some cash, your credit cards, your phone, some sunglasses and you might take a few other toiletries and a clutch is just too small.”

As for the concept of trucking around a football stadium for four hours while holding a clear plastic bag, “Women won’t do that,” Swanson swears. “They absolutely won’t. No woman in her right mind is going to walk around with a Ziplock bag. And it’s naive and uninformed for the NFL to think that women would do that. That’s a total dude idea.”

Stroud’s server Sherry Fritzshall concurs.

“It’s a drag,” Fritzshall says. “I understand why they have to do it, but that is way too small. Women need their stuff.”

The clear plastic bag concept being the dumbest idea, Fritzshall says.

“It’s horrible, it’s just horrible,” Fritzshall says. “Women are not going to be happy about this at all. No woman wants people to see everything they have in their purse. I mean, they go to the stadium club for a drink or to the bathroom and they have to carry a little plastic bag without a strap? No way. I’ve already heard women say that they are just not going to go to the stadium.”

What about the idea of purse checks in the parking lots?

“No, forget it,” Fritzshall says. “It’s easier just to go back to your car. I wouldn’t leave my bag at a purse check.”

And what woman wants to have something highly personal on display in a clear baggy?

“Exactly,” Fritzshall says. “You don’t want the whole world to know that you were carrying something like that. That’s been everybody’s first complaint. Like you’re on a first date with someone and there are the Tampons.”

Then there’s the matter of logistics…

Clutches and plastic bags sans straps can be problematic, women say.

“They’re a pain in the ass at a sporting event,” Swanson says. “You want to be able to let go of your bag at a sporting event because you want to use your hands to clap and cheer. And you don’t want to put it down under your seat because who knows what gets spilled under there? And how can you buy multiple beers at once to bring back to your party without setting your clutch or baggy down?”

The latter could hit the NFL in the almighty pocketbook.

Public relations and marketing strategist Jenny Kincaid doesn’t have a problem with the new policy but recognizes that most women may.

“I don’t like to carry big bags personally, I like to carry small clutches, so I’m okay with it,” Kincaid says. “But I think the freezer bags are ridiculous. Who’s going to carry a plastic bag, seriously?”

As for the Chiefs logo embossed baggies the team plans to give season ticket holders, “Oh my god, I’m so excited,” Kincaid says. “I’ll be getting one of those because I’m a season ticket holder. I’m glad they’re spending their extra money on plastic bags; I’m sure the parking will go up to pay for it.”