Graduation time. When today’s youth begin their birth-assured death march toward tomorrow’s uncertain life. They walk across the stage, diploma in hand, head held high, a smile on their face, ready to tackle the future.
If they’re graduating from high school, their life is just beginning; they’re nervous about leaving home, about the strange “adult” nature of college. Almost everything that they thought was important isn’t any longer. (And never really was.)
If they’re leaving college, they’re likely thinking about crippling debt, a perpetually awful job market, and what story they can invent for their friends that doesn’t end with them living in their parents’ basement, waiting tables and self-medicating at night with discounted wine.
If they’re graduating anything below high school, fuck that. That’s not a real graduation.
In any case, you’re in the terrible position of being a friend or family member of one of these shits. It’s your job to not only pat them on the back and give them a hearty “THAT’A WAY, SPORT!” but also give them something. Usually cash, usually in a card that you picked out at Price Chopper because it was $0.99.
But Jesus, don’t we give enough?
Late May graduations are already sandwiched between the commercial horrors of Mother’s and Father’s Day, and you’re trying to save some extra cash so you can take your OWN cross-eyed, piss-pants kids to Nashville for the summer to remind them that hey, we’re a real family goddamnit, and we do real things like visit “exotic” Chili’s in strange cities.
So I’m here to help you get off cheap. One needn’t drop $50 to show your nephew that he’s a REAAAAL important person for getting through high school without severing his dick in shop class. There are all kinds of things that you can get on Craigslist—for free—that will make any hopeless child feel special.
Let’s explore.
Portable TV (Riverside)
“Funai brand combo TV/VHS player. The VHS player started eating tapes.”
This is especially good for the recent college grads. They’re in the aforementioned basement. Their access to things like “reasonably sized televisions” and “ways to view pornography” are probably limited. Enter the FUNAI BRAND COMBO TV. It’s got it all: a screen. Portability. The ability to play the copy of Naughty Nightshift Nurses that you pilfered from your father. (Warning: VHS player may eat your father’s tape.) I’d jump on this one. Seems like it’ll be snapped up pretty quickly, and I completely understand why.
Empty animal feed bags (kansas city mo)
“Bunch of empty bags”
Look, I’m going to be honest. I have NO fucking idea who would like this gift. Maybe your grad just finished with a degree in Comparative North American Folk Art? (If so, my SINCEREST condolences.) Maybe if so, they can turn all of these… animal food bags… into some sort of sculpture about the meaning of domestication and subservience? Oh, Jesus. Seriously.
To be honest, I just wanted to post this. Because it’s a bunch’o empty Kibbles and Purina bags, and the description is so startlingly straight-forward and succinct that it made me laugh.
No Shit. Craigslist, ladies and gentlemen.
2 recliners (1585 Orchard ct)
“2 large recliners. Work fine. Need to be cleaned. If this is posted, they are still available. 1585 Orchard ct. Liberty.”
After a long, hard day of walking applications up and down the street to various fast food establishments, your recent Chicano Studies Major is going to need some relaxation. And what better way to relax than on a recliner that someone has already apparently shit all over. Seriously. Look at that photo. What in the hell happened? That picture seriously makes me gag a little bit.
Please don’t give these to a college graduate unless you hate them.
A Lot of scrap wood (Overland Park, KS)
“I recently torn down a tool shed that I had in my backyard. I have a lot of scrap wood that someone can use. If you are interested, shoot me a message and I can tell you where to pick it up. Thanks!”
Couple of things here.
1) Ideal gift for someone you’re gently trying to remove from the nest after the dorm has already done its part. Convince them that building their own home is “where it’s at!” Give them free scrap wood and some poisoned recliners and send them on their way.
2) I like how the original poster “torn down a tool shed,” but then exhibits proper comma usage in the third sentence. So very confusing.
Boy Scout charity meatloaf dinner (Independence)
“Help support the Boy Scouts by attending our meatloaf dinner Sunday the 26th from 11am to 4pm.Location: Community of Christ church between Phelps and Lees Summit Rd. Tickets are $5 at the door. Come on out and help support a great youth organization!”
I flagged this for misclassification. THIS ISN’T A FREE, STAINED COUCH OR SOME USED COLORING BOOKS, ASSHOLE.
Rock (Overland Park)
“Free rock to any one that contacts me first. This is an all or nothing deal. Call/Text 913-744-5114”
Well fuck right off then, friend. I see three, MAYBE four rocks I’d want in there, but I’ll be goddamned if I’m taking your whole shitty rock pile. Tell ME what to do, why don’t you.
Box of fortune cookies (Blue springs)
“Box of individually wrapped fortune cookies. On the porch at 309 SW Elmwood dr blue springs.”
This is worse than giving someone a lottery ticket, right? I mean, fortune cookies are the absolute worst. But I guess you could pen some note in the card that said something about “May all of the world’s fortunes be yours in your new journey,” or some stupid bullshit like that. You’re a real poet, Uncle Steve. Congrats on getting off cheaply AND looking thoughtful.
PS: your nephew hates you, Steve.
Baby / Children Hangers (Olathe)
“I have a big box of baby / kid / children hangers for free. The kind you get when you purchase clothes in the store. I am located near K7 and Sante Fe in West Olathe. Thanks”
For to kill the kids? What? I guess this is good if your recent grad likes to hang children. If you go pick these up, I’m calling the cops on you, btw.
Balloons and Banner! (Raymore)
“Anyone want a bunch of black and gold already blown up balloons? Left over from party. Not helium. Also have “Happy Graduation” banner in black and gold Ray-pec colors. Email me if interested.”
Um, Jesus Christ—how PERFECT is this?? I mean, maybe it’s not a good gift FOR a graduate, but how TOPICAL is this one?? Provided you know someone who graduated from Ray-Pec. In which case, I’m sorry.
Baby Wipes (Kansas City Mo.)
“I have two NEW Not Opened baby wipes. There are 100 wipes in each pack. They gave my baby a rash/irritated her skin, BUT all baby’s are different I was going to throw them away but times are tough and I figured some one could be in need of them… FREE!! U pick up! Email please(: “
This is the one you do when the recent grad in question is also a teen mom. (LOL—I know, I know… like THAT ever happens.)
A) It’s practical, and B) it reminds her that—no matter what happens—NOTHING is about her anymore, and she should never, EVER forget that. Way to ruin your life, whore.
Computer Desk (Smithville)
“Free Desk for anyone who wants it. Nice and sturdy, good workspace. Going to dump on Sunday.”
I love this. This is perfect for the HS grad’s dorm room, OR something the recent college grad can sit at when doing taxes/writing novels/filling out Taco Bell applications.
Actually, it’s a really decent looking desk, which is how I know the drawers MUST be filled with severed human heads and piles of human shit. Go pick it up and see if I’m not right.
Well, there you go. 11 things (FOR FREE!) on Craigslist that will make you the hit of any young graduate’s gift-getting. As per usual, you’re welcome in advance.
Follow me on Twitter, @StanfordWhistle
Jesus.
🙂
No hot tubs?
Hahahahaha! If it was a clean hot tub, we could rub Harley around inside it. Then it would be feces infested and he could use it in a comment in case you gave it to Smartman.
Oh, there was ABSOLUTELY a free used hot tub on there. No fooling.
Get on that hot tub Dave, harlinator will never let you live that one down if you don’t get it.
Empty Ol Roy bags. That has got to be the all time least useful “free item” on Craiglist, ever. Although I suppose you could use the empty bags to transport the rocks. Use the rocks as the foundation for your Uni bomber shack made of scrap lumber. Furnish with the $hit stained chair. Might even be able to use the baby wipes to clean the chair up.
Another good one Lefty.
Haha, excellent ideas.
And thank you, sir.