For the casual web user, there is a decided lack of genuinely interesting things happening on the internet. Oh sure, there are 8,000,000 cat videos—cats with human looking eyebrows, and cats whimsically sitting on record players and cats smoking cigarettes on the toilet—but for those who don’t like cats, the internet can often be mistaken for a barren wasteland of futility.
And though the tedium is occasionally punctuated by delightfully racist comments left under unrelated Yahoo! news stories about the “best burgers in America!” the internet is, for the most part, mostly pretty boring. Unless you know where to look, that is.
Everyone already knows all of the good stuff—the sports and the porn—but let’s suppose for a moment that you’re NOT in the confines of your windowless basement, a thin sheen of sweat and Doritos dust covering your skin. Let’s suppose you CANNOT visit www.xhamster.com for the 5th time in an hour because you’re at work and well, upper management tends to frown upon things like BUSTY BLONDE TAKES IT IN ALL HOLES when reviewing your internet browsing log. Let’s pretend—eschewing all things tawdry—that you’ve exhausted all of the day’s professional athlete gossip (well, and the ubiquitous “dong-shots,” to be fair) on Deadspin.
What do you do?
Well, if you’re like me—always at work, and always under the watchful eye of someone from some sort of ethics committee—you seek out the deeper pockets of the web, places that are either dumb enough, or just interesting enough to keep your attention. You know, until you can get home and watch NATURAL BRUNETTE BLOWS MIDGET.
Here are some of my favorite websites where everyone keeps their clothes on.
I’ve been a fan of Retro Junk for a few years. I don’t remember how I happened upon it—probably looking for pictures of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sharing a romantic interlude with their reporter friend April O’Neil or something (don’t judge me)—but I immediately found myself buried in the deep embrace of nostalgia. The site is primarily divided into two sections: old commercials and movie trailers sit side-by-side with essays about retro subjects in a matrimony of memory. (And when I say old, the site is definitely geared toward 80’s and 90’s kids, so please, do not visit hoping to find crazy old Chesterfield cigarette magazine ads or audio broadcasts of “Wagons, Ho!”.)
The videos—all culled from YouTube—are okay, but I really come for the essays. At best, they are tolerable screeds of reminiscent exuberance; at their worst, they are an English professor’s nightmare of raped language and broken attempts at guttural communication. More than a handful of the regular contributors seem afflicted by a dash of autism, perhaps, with offerings capable of making Craig Glazer look like D.H. Lawrence.
My personal favorite “essayist” goes by the handle of Copper20, and he (or she?) has written five articles, two of which focus solely on his or her personal experiences with storms. Yes, storms. Here is an excerpt from Copper20’s seminal piece “Childhood 1992-2002,” submitted for your approval.
1994
1994 was a bad year for me; I was tortured a little, mostly my dad did that. Second, I was starting to get hungrier more faster than in 1992 and thirstier. During the winter, we had heavy snow, then it melted the next day very quickly as the temperature quickly rose to the late 60s. The melted snow caused the most flooding I’ve ever seen.
1995
This year was a bunch of firsts. I started school for the first time ever which was okay, but I only stayed for a few hours like most of you did. Also, this year had a very boring winter, with no snow at all. Third, we had derecho come through, causing cosmetic damage, some of the worst I’ve ever seen during the hottest temperatures I ever saw, definitly worse than DFW’s. We lost power for 3 days afterwards.
1996
We moved out of the deep south during late May after we got done with school. Our new home was located near the Virginia-Maryland border in southern Maryland. During this time, my older twin brother and sister went to a different school while I went to another preschool. Although the year was very quiet, during sometime in late summer 1996, Hurricane Fran came near us as a tropical storm and spreading chaos near me.
Almost poetic, in a way. I’d also recommend checking out “Corrosive Storms of My Life,” and “Top 10 Scariest Logos,” in which the author tells you why the Paramount Home Video logo from 1979 is terrifying. It truly is a must read.
But if you’re not interested in the probably-insane ramblings of internet weirdos with regard to their thoughts on weather (and classic Nintendo games), don’t worry: I know about some other websites.
GrubGrade, for example, is a website that focuses exclusively on fast food news. They average about five or so posts a day, mostly promotional release material directly from McDonald’s and the like, but they also spend a healthy amount of time (poor choice of words given the topic at hand, I know) reviewing fast food offerings. The entertainment factor is two-fold.
First, it is fun to see people discuss slop in reverential tones typically reserved for haute cuisine. (example: when reviewing Subway’s “Chipotle Chicken Melt,” contributor Adam says of the sandwich’s pepper jack cheese: “(it)melts fantastically into the bread and chicken, and gives the sauce a bit more fat to tighten up the viscosity.” Wow. That’s serious, bro.)
Second, it’s even MORE fun to read the sometimes angry comments at the bottom of each piece. Internet commenting in and of itself is a bizarre art, and it’s made even stranger when the discussion is a war between two people debating the merits of Burger King’s Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.
FatInPhilly: I had this sandwitch and I thought it was good. Don’t agree with the review AT ALL.
BKHater: @FatInPhilly You would like it, fatass.
FatInPhilly: Your mom dint think I was to fat when I was PUMPING HER PUSY.
BKHater: While you were eating a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch? Figures. Fat fuck.
If fast food aficionados bemoaning the disappearance of KFC’s original Chicken Little sandwich isn’t your thing, or you’re simply put off by unchecked hostility, try SDCFans Forum: The Unofficial SDC Fansite—it is one of the most peaceful (and odd) places on the internet.
SDC—for those who aren’t “hip”—is Silver Dollar City, and the aforementioned site is exactly what you think it is: a bunch of people posting on message boards about their favorite 1880’s themed amusement park.
Not. Even. Kidding.
People on SDCFans Forum love Silver Dollar City (and to some extent, Branson) as much as you love your mom, or an ice cold beer. They post thread after thread about seemingly inconsequential things—the best stand to get apple dumplings, their favorite area of the park. They speak about the smell of the asphalt in tones typically reserved for someone recounting the moment they found the Lord. (Seriously. In the thread entitled “Passionate? Or Overdoing it?” poster OkieBluegrass says: “I was at a grocery store over the weekend and the asphalt was getting hot. My kids were with me, and when I started smiling they knew exactly what I was thinking. My son says I am an addict and obsessed with SDC. What do y’all think?”) They dream aloud about a future where they can retire to Branson to be near their favorite place on earth, and they discuss a fantasy world where they could theoretically LIVE in the park.
It is all very, very wholesome. Everyone is polite. They don’t argue, call each other names or say “pwned.” It is a true embodiment of the park itself, and, by virtue of its pleasantry, a wonderful pocket on the soiled dungarees of the internet.
Therefore, it is probably NOT for most of you.
That said, your patronage—or lack thereof—is just fine. The good folks at SDCFans will be okay without you, and you’ll be happier elsewhere. After all, there are HUNDREDS of websites on the internet; there are bound to be at least a few you’ll enjoy.
Know of any other really great websites? Leave them in the comments.
Also: Follow me on Twitter @StanfordWhistle
If that guy wasn’t working on a computor I swear it would be Glazer before a diet. But from the last pictures I saw of Glazer he may puff up that big.
But hey lets be real here we all know Glazer isn’t smart enough to work on computors.
right off the bat…a great article from an up and comer and a
funny guy…and dave has to turn it into an attack against glaze.
It takes away from the young writers credit. It seems leftys
getting a following here. while i’ve criticized the guys stuff he
has some very creative stuff and its fun to read.
Noone attacked dave…he just has a grudge against glaze and
everyone else on here for some reason.
glaze is an easy target…he’s out there for anyone with a keyboard
to take on. but if we stay with the subject at hand…dbate in a
intelligent manner and stay away from the personal attacks
then we don’t get these hate pieces of comments.
AAA story lefty…i laughed…excellent…dude…go out and find a reall
venue for this stuff….excellent…you’re bigger than kcc.
how about more of the craigslist stuff….
lefty…stick with this stuff and you’ll be big time…
love this stuff….not only fun to read but it helps get past stupid dave
and his hate binge against glaze.
good work…tell hearne to give you more space….
Just stating the facts harley boy just stating the facts. By the way I laid a trap to see if you even read any of these posts and well guess you don’t or you would at least since you blow and go about what a smart man you are would have saw I spelled a word wrong not only once but twice to see if you would spot it. LOL you didn’t.
And harley, ever think maybe KCC is bigger than you?
Super Dave, that looks like you and your lover Smart Coward…dude I banged girls hotter than any ex you had in restrooms all over the country… I am a living good looking major hot dude….you are an ugly little fat shmo…like Smart Coward…you guys had your shot…I gave you a shot to be decent and stop attacking me for no reason
Hey our shows are sold out tonight, good chance for you and smarty coward to come wait for me after work..both of you together would equal…uh, never mind…hey watch KU this Monday a lovers night out, you and smart coward..oh never mind K State will kill them.
You need some real help.
Jeez, no wonder Hearne dropped you. Wow, what a freak.
Dude, honestly Get off the roids. Your rage is showing
not an english major…do a tremendous amount of business
here in kc and around the nation. work with some ofthe
pro athletes and top business people in industry.
Opening a new biz in march…
don’t have time to fool with jagooff s trying toplay
games with spelling bees.
go play your game with the 4 year old and their
flashcards. They probably have more brains thn you do.
Hows that for spelling….???????????????????????????
Did you give him permission to use your picture, Harley?
It not Harley its SmartCoward
Okay i’ve been reading it up on KCC for sometime and if there is a love affair of any kind its the CG Harley pairing. If Superdave and Smarty are a pair then Glazer and Harley must be living the high life in a new legalized gay marriage state.
Plus let’s be honest Glazer your not well liked.. Sure you got your followers but from this vantage point they are in a minority. Second if the call out at the Beaumont club was any indication you don’t fight alone. Brother circling the block, some other dude I guess there to take the pictures let me guess they were just there to watch.. RIGHT!!! gotta bridge to sell me too I bet. I get you having a brother to back ya up but don’t call out Superdave and Smartman gay when you and harley are sharing the same tactics. Makes you look like a hypocrit.
noneedto use this kind of bull on this site…
as far as glaze needingsomeone as backup…no way jose.
smarmyman askedfor a beating and he backed down.
smarmyman was out of line. Its old news now…
move on…its for some fun so stop the b.s. and lets
keep to the facts.
lefty writes something outstanding and it get lost in the
personal battle that super dave has against glaze.
dave..what sets you off about glaze? if you don’t
like the dude…don’t read his stuff…pretty simple dave.
and it will create a more peacdful and vibrant atmospher here
on kcc.
stop…before it gets out of hand. have some fun but don’t
carry a grudge.
Moderate my remark — you have got to be kidding me — LOL.. I stand corrected apparently the moderator is the hypocrit
Funny stuff as always Lefty. 🙂
Glazer, isn’t it obvious that when you insult the appearance of someone you don’t know, or for that matter, their wives, daughters, or girlfriends, or gay pals, the person is simply NOT OFFENDED? You haven’t identified these people by name, and in fact you only make wild stabs at guessing who they are, and worse, your targets KNOW you are clueless about their identity, so it’s virtually certain your insults don’t hit the mark.
You are here to entertain us, so in the future, please give your schtick more thought. You and Hearne could actually turn this ongoing comic routine into something that approaches art if you’d realize that writing comedy is no different than any other endeavor that takes practice, effort, patience, and a dose of natural ability. Nothing that takes real talent and creativity can be accomplished without some elbow grease …. you have a source of funny comics who work your club once in a while… why don’t you have them teach you how to be funny?
Ok
One of your VERY best stories, Lefty, and I enjoy most all you write!
Thanks for outting me, Glayzer. For the record, I don’t know this dirt bag and as a result have never told him who anyone is! I don’t even read this blog, a friend saw my name on here and told me about it. You will be hearing from me now however.
im getting near the end. doesnt look like i will ever be kinda famous. girls make fun of me. oh sure they will let me take them out and do stuff but when they leave they make fun of me. they make fun of my private parts. it really hurts. they have been doing it for over 4 decades. lateesha said she had a friend that lives in houston named archie bell and he can help me tighten my bond. thanks hearne for taking all those bad comments about me off of this sight. im just besid myself. most of those bad comments about me were true however. dam i might kill myself.
I couldn’t agree more with the one comment Craig Glazer you need some real professional help. You have drug issues it appears and manifestations of aggression.
Your ego is way out of control and just might land you in trouble.
So you run a comedy store where people every day make fun of other people and you hit the stage doing the same thing yourself. But if someone comes along and does a parody about you or in any way pokes fun at you, watch out as you go off your rocker with hate filled rage. You’re a hypocrite if you think only you can do what you do. So you see Mr Self Proclaimed Comedian of the Nation if you think it is ok to make a living off of making fun of other people then other people can have fun making fun of you as well.
Look another fake name guy, this is far from that and everyone who reads this knows that. The comments are not ‘making fun’ or being cute. When you call someone a liar, snitch, on and on and do the same to their family, business, and career over and over and over and over…well in time that kinda pisses the person off. Hearne is at fault maybe the most. Seeing this got tons of comments at the start he allowed the most vile language and attacks possible with rare intervention. Had someone done anything close to this to him, he would have taken it all down..he claims they did it was about 1% the attack. Nobody cares what Heare does in his private life really. He is not a threat. He isn’t single or out there really pushing the envelope. None of these writers are, and nobody said they should be. They just report what they see, hear or know. That’s fine. I took a different path. Using myself and very exciting life history as part of what I write thats all. Of course nobody else has done all these things and surely not at the level I did and still often do. I know that…that’s why its so interesting.
People start hating, due to their looking in the mirror thats all. Almost none of these comment haters know me, or care really. They hate themselves. ALOT. For not doing enough in their lives and now its too late. Again that is why. Not cause ‘Glazer’ is the bad guy. I’m really not.
Hey I see tons of people who read my articles and truly enjoy them. Only a handful write the hate comments like you fake Mark. Those who fill their lives are worthwhile tend to just see my ‘thing’ as fun or funny or interesting. That’s all. People like Bob Butler former Star major player. I see him weekly now at KCTV 5, loves the stuff here and on Tonys. Why? He’s not offended or mad, cause he made his life count in his own way. Differently but count.
With haters on the net its simple. They strike out at what they can’t be or don’t understand…much like those who burnt witches back in the 1600’s. Or hate people who live that ‘Hollywood ‘ lifestyle. Meaning, fast women, cars, nightlife and suntans..maybe even a bit of too much attention. Hey maybe they are right about all that….but me being unfair and hitting back…again I ONLY ATTACK WHEN ATTACKED. And usually after several attacks. Today its more fun than serious.
As for SmartCoward..he’s not alone…nobody on here would ever face me down. Nobody ever has, they have ample opportunity to do so.. only once in public did anyone try it in years…I told that story…at a book signing on the Plaza..he ran too.
I like life calm and quiet now as far as violence. But make no mistake, I lived that life for nearly 30 years. I am that guy. When you push ‘that guy’ he will not shrink back, ever. Nice to know they exist huh. I am getting older and want to be a bit quieter now. Thats all.
to creg galser. creg i didnt no you had a bond. i have this frienf that live in houston. him name is archie bell and he can hep you tighten you bond. just sayin
i only attack when im attacked. ya whatever. they strike out at what they cant be or dont understand. ya i dont want to be bald and where a bond., and i dont understand why god cut me short on my private parts. but it sure hurts.
It’s odd too, I always thought KC coke was kind of mediocre. Looking at CG, it must either be awesome or he’s doing a whole bunch of it again!
Yea, He is going off the deep end.
yes jess i think you right.
Good work Lefty, very funny!
CG, people hate detestable, hate able people, it’s not a reflection on what they think of themselves, I hate to correct you but you’re wrong. Good and decent people hated Hitler, Nixon, Madalyn Murray O’Hare, Clay Chastain and millions more.
Some people are worthy of your personal disdain. It isn’t a persons self hatred that causes that. It’s not them looking in a mirror that causes that. It’s because the person earned and deserved the disdain, dislike or hatred.
You can deflect and name call all you want but the truth of the matter is you’ve led a dysfunctional life and as they say, you put the func in dysfunctional. It’s genetic and you’re in the shallow end of Stans gene pool. And for that, I’m sorry.
dam i wouldnt want to be that person watching old craig galser. that boy nasty! he doesnt have enough money for me to watch and wash hisnasty ass. dam!
You go laqueeesha girl!
Refuse to watch and wash galser’s nasty ass!
dam!
hearne i thought we were still friends then you take off my good self appraising comment. like when i have a nurse in a few years changing my bedpans. im sure it wont be long. leteesha said im anasty boy and wont do it. if anybody nose someone who can help me out call at home# 913- 362- 5814 or cell 816-678-6594 or just call me at stanfords at legends. thank you slaves and peasants. im still kinda trying to be famous. but it kinda isnt working.
Sure I’ll tell him when he comes in..I stand by my statements which are correct…only people with little done in life really would attack someone like me…period…anyone who has done well with their life likely wouldn’t…they just smile and have fun with whatever I’m writing about…hateful people usually hate themselves and almost always its cause they feel their life’s goals never happened or where even close…as we age, we often have to change course on some big goals…to be content…thats all….good luck to those few who do attack and I hope for your sake things get better in your latter years…they can…just worry about you and not hate on winners like me…might help.
You keep believing that line of BS, Craig. If it makes you feel better about you, if it lets you rationalize why you’re so strongly disliked, that’s ok with the collective us.
First off if this is Dave, you have far too many issues to fix to worry about someone else my friend. Second, most people I run into seem to like me very much or enjoy what I do in the media…can’t please everyone. I don’t go out and hurt anyone I am aware of these days or for decades. All I know is when I take the stage at Stanfords to open the weekend shows…am introduced…its a loud applause from the crowed that follows…maybe a couple haters need to show up for those boo bird sounds…
Again worry about what your life is about mine has been pretty exciting and overall damn well lived. I took a road less followed and so far have been doing pretty well with it…you do that with your life ok. All the best.
dam allright ill watch and wash that nasty boy craif galsers ass. dammm! that boy look like a gorilla. he has that disease ridden shaft. from what i hear its a tiny shaft. the grls make fun of it alot. from what he posted yesterday they girls have been making fun of his lattle thang for a longgg time. over 40 years if he telling the truth. dam. no wonder hss lame ass is always talking big sheet. he got no dick! hahahahaha
allright you guys im going to kinda tell you the truth. listen up slave and peasants. i have an inferior complex and low self esteem. it all stems from first of all my little penis. second of all i went bald at 25 and had to get an apollo bond. that didnt help with girls at all. third when i was in high school i was short and squatty like an arangatang. well you can imagine girls did not like that. that hurt my feeling and self-esteem. now that ill be 60 in less than a month please peeps give me some help. just give me some advice on how to change. im worried im going to be 60 and not be able to take care of my self.
glaze not only will i help you i love you!!! glaze call me anytime. 1-800-jack-off. me and all the connections i have you will be fine. hey if you need a nurs for bed pans no problemm. tightening up on the old bond, got it covered. remember glaze im her3 for you man. love means you never have tio say your sorry. i love you man.
me to glaze. i got your back son.
I didn’t write that.
theres a new sheriff coming to kcc.
beware. He’s coming to clean up this
f***ing mess.
If you violate the rules we will
make sure everyone knows it.
Don’t mess with the new rules.
No more disgusting filthy trash on this
site.
Be careful. We know who you are and
we’re going to either take you down
on the site or make sure you are
known for the trash your write.
Not one individual will be excused
from this gross activity.
There’s a new sheriff in town.
Rewards will be offered.
This entire blog of nasty crap is going
to end TODAY!
Starting now. This very minute.
bullhockey
hearne i have always been able to dish it out but when its dished out on me i just cant take it. i think its from low self-esteem. either that or an inferior complex. either way thanks for making all those guys making fun of me. that goes for new sheriiff in town imean chuck damn i mean my dad stan. thanks dad. if i could just stop throwing random names out here maybe people would leave me alone. thanks again dad for having the guts to be the new sheriff in town. harley i thaank you as well for having my back. sometimes i just get carried away and throw names on this sight where the persons name that i used have never once posted diddley on this sight. damm hearne im sorry. if i feel as though i might use it again i will call lateesha first. sorry hearne.
im the new sheriff in town. cant anybody tell. i put “you are known for the trash your write. gosh im a dum bunny.