Perhaps you’ve been ostracized from your immediate family because last year, you had too much Mad Dog and you stood up and pooped in the middle of the dinner table. Maybe you were orphaned after your parents perished in a hot-air ballooning accident. It could be that you just got out of prison for some poor music pirating decisions and you find yourself alone in a cold, cruel world that refuses to remember you for the man you once were.
The bottom line is, it’s Thanksgiving, and you’ve got nowhere to go.
I’m sorry, I truly am. Unlike the summer months, you cannot spend your days ogling the scantily clad people at the community swimming pool; the holiday season is a bad time to be an outcast.
Look, I’d invite you to my gathering—the one with the beautifully roasted, steroid-infused Frankenturkey, the free-flowing wine and the familial fellowship—but I don’t know you. To me, you’re a random internet reader, (one who’s alone on thanksgiving, no less) and I don’t trust that you won’t axe-murder me and my family after we’re all sluggish from the 3 kinds of pie.
Therefore, I’d like to make a suggestion: rather than wallowing in your own misery, angry and despondent at a world that has scorned you, make your own Thanksgiving feast.
And no, one needn’t prepare a 15 pound fowl with all the accoutrements—you’re a single weirdo, for Pilgrims’ sake—but turkey is practically a legal requirement, I think. And because you’re “frugal,” and you have “the taste buds of a rail-car rider who has spent the last 30 years dining on discarded pizza crusts and expired medications,” you have a very simple, very wonderful option: the frozen turkey TV dinner from Banquet.
I’m not going to lie: I love these things. I grew up eating them and the only reason I don’t eat them now is that I forget to pick them up when I’m at the store (and because of science and health—I do not buy them for science and health reasons).
Oh sure, each remarkably small serving contains a January sidewalk’s worth of salt, and there really isn’t much of a discernible taste between the turkey, the stuffing (croutons), mashed potatoes and peas, but there’s something magical about the bland offering that transcends normality and plunges you deftly into the realm of deliciousness. Oh, AND they’re usually somewhere between $0.99 and $1.09. You can buy two of these beauties, a 5th of Wild Irish Rose and forget that nobody loves you for less than $6.00.
Remember, holiday memories are what you make them. Who needs a family when you’ve got Banquet? Nobody, that’s who.
Happy Thanksgiving, KCConfidential. You’re the best in the biz.
If you need company on your lonely holiday, come see me on Twitter: @StanfordWhistle
Hilarious!
🙂
Thanks, Chuck. Have a happy Thanksgiving!
You Too!!
🙂
Whitehouse, Texas — Joseph Rose and Cole Kellis were leaving their home in Whitehouse on Friday morning when they noticed a deer in their front yard.
Rose approached the deer and he says the deer seemed friendly. But then Kellis and Rose say the deer then charged them and started to attack.
Rose and Kellis ran to Rose’s pick-up truck to try to get away from the wild buck. The deer then “poked” Rose in his ribs, so Rose jumped out of his truck into the back-bed. Rose says he left his driver-side door open and the deer climbed in and took his pack of cigarettes that were sitting in his center console.
The deer starting eating Rose’s smokes, and when Rose tried to get them back, Rose says the deer got more aggressive.
They then had to call Whitehouse police and the Game Warden. When police arrived they had to tase the deer and then Rose says it took more than 5 men to restrain the buck.
KETK spoke to Smith County Game Warden, Dustin Dockery, and he says, “Admire deer from a distance but do not approach them because they can be dangerous.”
THIS is why we eat TURKEY for Thanksgiving.
They don’t smoke!!
(Probably unfiltered, Deer are notorious for poor health choices.)
Ha! That’s hilarious.
Unfortunately, for far too many Banquet will have to do today in lieu of actual human companionship. Of course, I imagine that IHOP’s 24/7 prayer center is still up and running today for those who earnestly desire some companionship of both a physical and spiritual nature.
Man, Banquets was my childhood, and im raising my two kids on them too. Doesnt have anythan to do with deliciousness neither. It’s cause like u said they are cheap. And nobody died from banquets. Im tired of these leftists trying to ban food. We’ve been eating these things for centuries and i have yet to hear of one time the doctor wrote cause of death: banqets. Good article! Keep em humming!
I don’t know that we’ve been “eating these things for centuries,” but I like where your head’s at with this one.
Thanks for reading.