Craigslist is great. Craigslist is terrifying. Like it says in Corinthians, Craigslist is all things to all men.
It is a shot-to-shit 1983 Nissan Sentra with blown shocks, blood stains on the cloth interior and a cool 298K on the odometer, all highway! all yours and all for $300.
It is a Puerto Rican transexual hooker with a hidden switchblade and a dusting of venereal disease, her oddly effeminate pimp hiding in the closet.
It is also a fairly decent digital marketplace for people to unload the useless shit that clogs their existence; the 50 water-bloated issues of Spiderman from mom’s basement, or the autographed POWER Team! poster that you reluctantly accepted at a church carnival because you didn’t want to look like a hedonistic dick.
But often, it’s nearly impossible to separate the wheat from the chaff.
That’s where I come in.
Here are my favorite posts from craigslist over the past few weeks. I implore you to RUN out—no walking—and procure these items immediately. If the broken chainsaw with the Hello Kitty stickers isn’t there when you arrive, it’s not my fault. It’s not like I didn’t give you sufficient notification.
From the Free Section:
“Free Scrap wood, small ramp, good for bon fire….
If you are interested in the wood, come get it.
If the ad is up, there is still wood to get!
Free Dirt – fill dirt
dirt is in the front of house on either side of the front door
dirt is mixed with small gravel/rocks
If you are interested in the dirt, please contact via e-mail first to ensure someone will be home!
Thanks!”
reply to: hrqww-3132404430@sale.craigslist.org
No, friend, thank YOU. This reads like the worlds most depressing soliloquy about… well, free dirt and wood. My biggest takeaways from ee cummmings’ CL offering? The fact that the dirt is on either side of the front door, AND it’s that kick-ass dirt that’s mixed with small gravel/rocks. I just wonder what kind of magical palace this classified poet lives in?
Sad Couch.
Couch and matching love seat (Independence mo)
Come pick up, they need cleaned but look ok and are steardy for pick up info cal (REDACTED)
reply to: hr9zz-3144338179@sale.craigslist.org
Dear Cal,
“Look ok” is such a subjective thing. These things look like a woman spent 50 years sitting on them, chain-smoking and petting dirty outdoor cats before she was bludgeoned to death by a meth-head (it’s Independence, so I’m making an educated guess here). I do not want your couch, nor does anyone else, ever.
Yours truly,
Brandon
I had a couple of extra kombucha mushrooms if anyone is interested.
reply to: t8b4k-3140021235@sale.craigslist.org
Wait… seriously? Is this really the kind of thing you want to get from some Gladstonian weirdo on the internet? Second, you HAD or HAVE? Because if you HAD some, why are you still offering me some? And why am I writing this like you’re reading this? FUCK YOU.
Sad Television.
SONY 60″ Big Screen TV (Overland Park)
FREE TV, you pick up.
Picture is intermittent-may be a quick fix! Have not had anyone look at it. The sound is perfect.
Call or text- (redacted)
Donna
Donna could have quickly given this monstrosity away if she had only posted a little differently. Next time, Donna, try this:
Attention visually impaired power-lifters. Boy have I got a tv for you. The picture comes and goes, but you obviously don’t give a fuck because you’re blind. I hope you have a large place to put this, because it’s one of those 1980’s jobs roughly the size of a small moving truck. Please come and get it, or I will be forced to burn my house down in an effort to rid myself of this beast. Thanks.
From the Not-So-Free Postings:
8 PRIME PLOTS – CALVARY CEMETERY
8 Prime Lots. Near entrance.
Please E-Mail for more info.
$2,000.00 A Lot
reply to: ckkmt-3148448406@sale.craigslist.org
A) You’re right, Crypt-Keeper, that IS a lot.
B) Thank GOD they’re near the entrance. I’m sick of going to visit dead relatives and having to travel ALL THE FUCKING WAY to the back of the cemetery. That’s for chumps, and poor people. I want my sexy-ass corpse FRONT AND CENTER so all the mourners can come early and often to celebrate my passing.
Calvary Cemetery Plot Salesman, you’ve got yourself a DEAL, bro.
Bar Soap from Glenwood Motel – $3 (KCK 66102)
48 bars of motel soap from the Glenwood Motel that was recently torn down on Metcalf. These are dated 1960. These are in good condition. If you are seriously interested please call (redacted)
We are located near I-70 and 18th Street in Kansas City, Kansas. If interested call or text (redacted) to set up appointment.
Set up an appointment?! To see old soap?! Is this really happening right now?
Dog Food Hills Prescription Diet D/D – $30 (Northland)
28 pound bag for sensitive skin plus 5 cans of same formula. 6 days old. Bought from vet for 103.00 but my dog will not touch it. Probably 8 cups gone from bag.
reply to: chwdh-3140999320@sale.craigslist.org
So you’re offering a 60%+ discount on dog food because “my dog will not touch it”? Look, lady (I assume it’s a lady because it doesn’t seem like many guys would go for this), FUCK YOUR DOG. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. IT’S A DOG. The beauty about dogs is that they shit outside, don’t try to take control of the remote, and they fucking eat what you tell them to. If your dog is refusing to eat the ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR FOOD you bought it, you’ve lost. You are officially your dog’s bitch. Congratulations.
Sad Gift for Golf Fan
Golf Monopoly Art – $50 (Olathe)
“Custom made. First Street Gallery in Blue Springs, MO. label intact on back. The frame alone is worth $300. Measures approximately 33 inches by 33 inches. Would make a gift for the golf-loving man in your life.
Cash Only. No Delivery. If the ad is up then the item is still available. I will not respond to emails asking “Is this still available?”, those are marked as spam and deleted. To view my other items for sale type in “DLH062”.
reply to: 5tw89-3150088480@sale.craigslist.org
Let’s review this, line by line.
Custom made (So is my poo, but I don’t try and sell it). First Street Gallery in Blue Springs, MO. label intact on back (Um…okay?). The frame alone is worth $300 (Wow. You got ripped off, bro.). Measures approximately 33 inches by 33 inches. Would make a gift for the golf-loving man in your life (You know, if you can’t get him clubs, or a fitting, or some tees, or some reservations, or some attire, or some balls… you know, if you’ve got $50 to spend and none of those are good ideas).
Cash Only. No Delivery (You’re making this really hard on me, pal.). If the ad is up then the item is still available (TODAY… today. I CONSIDER MYSELF… consider myself…THE LUCKIEST MAN… luckiest man…). I will not respond to emails asking “Is this still available?”, those are marked as spam and deleted. (You are a complete dick with a bizarre sense of entitlement) To view my other items for sale type in “DLH062”. (I will do no such thing).
See what I mean about Craigslist being a bastion of amazement and wonder?
YOU’RE WELCOME.
P.s.– If you have anything you’d like to sell, please post it in the comments section. We’d love to hear from you!
For amusement, I like to search Cars and Trucks (by owner) using the word “invested,” because as many intelligent people know, cars are rarely investments.
Here, for example, is an investment that didn’t work out all that well.
Haha– what do you mean?! That’s the soundest “$12K investment” I’ve ever seen!!
I think 11K of that 12K invested is the meth that is still stashed somewhere in the car. Dude, I took it apart, like, 5 times and shit to find that meth I stashed away! My loss, your gain!
I love it when people post their “invested money” on a motorcycle and it is a basket case of rusted crap. Oh, but it’s rare!
Lefty, for the highly skilled negotiator Craig’s List is a candy store with a blind clerk. It’s not that difficult. All you have to do is be smarter than the people making the offer….which ain’t that hard. So far in 2012 I have picked up/acquired 8 hot tubs, for free, repaired and renovated them and netted 5 LARGE after parts and my labor at $100.00 an hour……..as a friggin’ hobby. In two cases when I picked the tubs up I noticed the homeowners needed some work done on their homes which was another 16 grand in business. I also picked up an old Coke vending machine for $500.00, the seller wanted a grand. Took it to a guy that does restorations, gave him $1500.00 and sold it for $4500.00.
A friend of mine who does classic auto restorations has picked up hundeds of cars for free or on the cheap, parted them out, selling the components online. He has almost turned that into a six figure business. Their is a HUGE market in Europe for American car parts.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. You’d be surprised at the amount of truly valuable shit that people are throwing away, giving away or trying to sell for a fraction of the real value. If you are willing to take some time to do the pickin there is a lot of grinnin to be done on the back end.
Oh no, I know you’re right. I just like to nap too much.
Oh, and can we possibly work the hot tub thing into your moniker? That’s my new favorite fact about anyone on this site.
Suggestions include: Mr. Hot Tub, Smart Tub, Hot Tub Man.
Think about it before you shoot it down.
Food for thought. Since what I do with each tub is unique to the person buying it and the environment and location where it is installed I think I’ll start calling them Smartubs.
Lefty, Smarty, funny stuff. SMARTUBS. I like that.
This is a longshot, a maybe, but there just might be a chance that Lefty has too much time on his hands.
🙂
No! Not too MUCH time, really, just an issue with prioritizing what time I DO have, perhaps.
Brandon, this is legitmately funny stuff you’re posting. The last few columns especially have been terrific. You’ve made this site a must see for me again.
Thanks, George! I really appreciate that.
you’re all douchebags…but this craigslist thing made me laugh.
I could see jay leno replacing headlines with your stuff on craigslist.
funny…creative…
now we know what smartman does…he’s a junkyard man!
wish hearne would go back on vacation again.
Skip Sleyster was a junkyard man also and he had more money than nearly anybody. Maybe not as much as you with all your companies and vast worldwide financial empire but alot.
Why of course not, the harlinator is known joco-wide for his savvy business prowess. But you knew that already.
I grew up with the glenwood motel/hotel and the ross family. “recently torn down”..
30 years ago?
remember french market/kiddieland/griffs/smaks/shakies pizza parlor/
katz/metcalf boot/instant replay/boots/jacks bar/…metcalf was a gravel
road and drinking at 14….great times!
I’ve seen you talk about how old the other people are on here and you remember Metcalf Ave. as a gravel road?
Ha!
sure do…metcalf was a gravel road probably until 1980 or maybe 81….i was young
then but i remember metcalf as a gravel road …even nall was gravel road…
as far as junkmen…no problem mike…my best friend is a salvage yard owner in
st. louis does very well….my family owned one of the largest salvage yard operation in the detroit area…..all did well.
skip was cool guy…one of a kind…skip should have run the country …common
sense….and i loved his star columns……my uncle knew him well because they
did business many times….I have nothing but the most respect for the guy…
thanks.
I enjoy the “Cars for Sale by Owner only” section the most of all Craig’s categories. It is just chock-full of asswipe car dealers trying to get the edge on their competition over in the dedicated Dealer section.
You can pick up their lingo, and the photoshopped D-tags on the pics. Gotta say many of ’em are camel shaggers who just don’t get it. I flag every last one of their ads and wonder if they ever catch on. Most of their crap rides have salvage titles and were hit by Union Pacific freight trains.