Jack Goes Confidential: ‘Battleship’ Turns Naval Exercise into Oceanic Transformers

The Hasbro toy empire has done well for itself…

To date they’ve brought, among others, TRANSFORMERS and G.I. JOE to the big screen and both franchises were hugely successful.
 
So why quit now?
 
Hasbro’s latest transformation is the overly-long board game, alien invasion spectacle BATTLESHIP.
Think of it as a ‘Transformers’ of sorts on the high seas.
 
"Let’s see if we can buy the world another day!"
 
We first get introduced to the key players in this sci-fi ‘actioner’ during an international summit of Navy vessels in Hawaii. There’s even that first touch of romance between Taylor Kitsch and Brooklyn Decker who just happens to be the Admiral’s (Liam Neeson) daughter.
 
Then it happens. An alien invasion of fire balling propellants smashing into the ocean—then rising to the surface as a squadron of superior alien spaceships. Upon which what at first was a competitive get together of competing naval hardware combines its forces to battle the enemy’s deadly razor balls.
 
"Let’s take these bastards to somewhere they don’t want to go!"
 
But to no avail as one by one the ships are blown up in spectacular fashion.

Now there’s just one vessel left,  the permanently docked U.S.S. Missouri which acts as a living museum. Hell, let’s get the old over-the-hill sailor gang to start her up and move her out and blow those damned invaders to kingdom come!
 
That’s pretty well the story.

But wow, what fireworks! Non-stop blow’em up good explosions. You’d swear this was a Michael Bay film, but it’s not. Peter Berg from FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS and HANCOCK did the directorial honors.
 
BATTLESHIP is pure summer popcorn, action fare with a script and dialogue that’ll have you (unintentionally) chuckling throughout, but made bearable by the well-staged pyrotechnics.
 
"We’re going to die. We’re all going to die—just not today!"
 
None of the key players seem to take themselves too seriously here. And that includes Kitsch, Neeson, Decker, Alexander Skarsgard and Rihanna.
 
Finally, if you can sit for almost 10 minutes of end-credits you’ll be rewarded with a transition scene foreshadowing a possible sequel. But frankly that end stinger isn’t worth your time of suffering through a seemingly endless lists of names.
 
The disaster flick scores 2-1/2 out of 5 ‘E.T. Phone Home’-like fingers and some day could make for a great ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ roaster.
 

JACK GOES TO THE MOVIES Friday mornings at 6:40 a.m. on NewsRadio KMBZ Am & Fm and anytime on Time-Warner Cable’s K.C. ON DEMAND.