Leftridge: Tales From the Tweet: Penn State Perspectives, Ultimate Fighting & Javier’s Pee-Wee Love

So the big news over the past couple of weeks—obviously—has been the unfolding of events at Penn State. There have been hundreds of stories blogged, Tweeted and shared since the news first broke, and the fact of the matter is, I have nothing to add. I have no personal experiences to relate (and for this, I am grateful) and every thought that I’ve had regarding the situation has already been emoted by a plethora of others.

Twitter, unsurprisingly, played a large role in the dissemination of the story and allowed people around the world to share their thoughts, both well-articulated and ridiculous. Here were a handful of Tweets, both interesting and stupid.

@jcharles25 (Jamaal Charles, Chiefs RB)

“Took long enough for Paterno to get fired. Now he should be sent to jail along with his child molesting assistant coach!!!”

It’s always refreshing to hear an athlete with balls say what they think, whether you agree with them or not. I don’t know anyone who’s a fan of the whole, “man, whut a tuff situation for all them peoples.” If you’re going to take the time to tap our your 140 characters, make them count. 

@Englishscope24 (Kim English, G, Missouri Tigers)

“Penn State University definitely made the decision they had to. Embarrassing how much college kids are cheerleaders for foolishness!”

Speaking of refreshing, English is one of the more interesting, coherent student-athletes on Twitter. We all know how ridiculous it was to see students rioting in University Park in support of their demigod. Nobody disputes this. It was cool to hear the actions condemned by a peer, though, in an era where speaking out is typically discouraged.

@SI_PeterKing (Peter King, Sports Illustrated)

“I love all these geniuses who know exactly what Paterno knew, when he knew it, and how he hid it. You are so, so smart.”

Following Peter King on Twitter has really enlightened me to just how massively idiotic he is. When you speak off the cuff—as you do with most social media—you lose the assistance of an editor. For some, this is severely damaging.

Hey Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, take him to task:

@ChrisWarcraft

“@SI_PeterKing Gonna have to disagree on this one. If he knew *anything*, or even just suspected, he had a moral duty as a human being to do… the right thing and investigate the situation. He failed to act, and it doesn’t matter what he did previously, that failure… is his true legacy.” (I have separated multiple, successive Tweets with ellipses)

Coffin-corner kick. Pinned the fat guy inside his own 10. Well done, soldier. At ease.

610 AM’s Bob Fescoe had a really fresh, thought-provoking take on the mess:

@bobfescoe

“Joe Paterno is so old his phone number is 1”

Oh wait, no he didn’t. I plum forgot that Bob Fescoe is Bob Fescoe. My bad! Want more proof of just how bad he is?

“There is no truth to the rumor that the tamu ad claimed his busses were vandalized tonite, what he smells is a butt whooping.”

This is classic Fescoe. All of his Tweets are basically the same. They all start with, “there is no truth to the rumor…” and end with something that is supposed to be a punchline. It also helps if the “joke” is fantastically outdated and irrelevant when you make it, too. Hey, remember when Texas A&M’s busses were ACTUALLY vandalized well over a month ago? Timely, Bulldog!

And finally, the best take on all things Ped State came from Bart Simpson. Well, okay… not Bart Simpson as YOU know him, but a bizarre, Slavic version of the beloved American cartoon character. Seriously, if you don’t have a Twitter account, create one for the sole sake of following @BARTSIMSON_REAL. Your life will be forever changed.

@BARTSIMSON_REAL (nightmarish version of popular American cartoon)

“»JOEPATERNO« INOCENT . . . CHILDRAIPE LEGALE YUGOSLAV . . . SANDUSKI ;NEW; YUGOSLAV •••••SPORTSZ MINSTERE•••••”

Unbelievably bizarre.

In other news, there were two big fights this weekend, a boxing match on pay-per-view and an ultimate fight on network television.

In FOX’s debut of UFC programming, champion Cain Velasquez defended his… Belt? Trophy? Sash?… against number one contender Junior dos Santos. It was underwhelming, to say the least.

@sportsguy33 (Bill Simmons, sports columnist, ESPN/ Grantland.com)

“Everything feels right about this Fox/UFC pairing. Should have happened years ago. Better late than never. Hope the fight delivers.”

And approximately half a beer later:

@sportsguy33

“UFC loses its network virginity to Fox and it’s over in under 90 seconds. Just like real life!”

Yeah, total dud. I don’t think it makes a huge difference, though. I don’t know how many converts UFC hoped to make with show—the sport is already immensely popular and caters to a very particular breed of animal. You either like it already or you don’t, but watching it on free-TV probably isn’t enough to make someone a fan.
 

Meanwhile, over at Ultimate Fighting’s tuberculosis-riddled cousin’s trailer, everyone’s favorite Fisting Filipino was slugging it out for a third time against Juan Manuel Marquez. The first two fights were close—much too close for Manny Pacquiao’s comfort—and the third was no different. The congressman won a close 12 round decision that left some crying foul. Nevertheless, ManPaq pulled out a squeaker. His thoughts on the fight?

@ MannyPacquiao

“It was nice having Greed Day visit me in the dressing room. #PacMarquez.”

Well said, my friend.

But seriously… what did Chiefs’ tackle Branden Albert think?

@ B_albert76

“All yall love pacquio but @FloydMayweather the champ and yall hate it! Ever since pacquio started winning a little bit… Now everyone on his joc… I never herd of dude intill like a year ago! Yall be hating on @FloydMayweather cause he talk ish and then whoop your ass! Lol #tuth”

1)    Utter nonsense. You’re clearly not a boxing fan if you’d never “herd” of the dude “intill” a year ago.
2)    Branden Albert really needs to go the Ashton Kutcher route and let someone take over the management of his Twitter account and stick to pretending to play football. Yikes.

And speaking of the gridiron, the Chiefs played a game on Sunday that we’ve already bitched about ad nauseam. Here were some odds and ends.

@SSJ_WHB (Steven St.John, 810am)

“My Dad just asked me if all #Chiefs games are like this….Then he took a phone call about a car he’s selling on Craig’s List.”

St. John mentioned both on air, and previously on Twitter, that he was taking his father to his very first Chiefs game. Kinda crazy. Apparently, his father wasn’t too impressed? Oh, and in case you were wondering:

“BTW, it’s a ’99 Lincoln Town Car….96,000 miles, one owner, leather interior….$4,400 cash or best offer.”

Sold!
 

With news of Matt Cassel’s potentially season-ending hand surgery (bring on the Tyler Palko era, baby! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL), let’s take a look back at his sole touchdown pass on Sunday, one of the finest of his career, and quite possibly, his last as a Chief.

@getnickwright (Nick Wright, 610am)

“Cassel sold that fake perfectly. Held ball on his hip like Brady does. Well done.”

@ nate_bukaty (Nate Bukaty, 810am)

“That was a freaking awesome fake.”

Agreement all around. With 8 minutes left in the 3rd quarter, Cassel faked a hand-off to Jackie Battle who leaped over the goal-line in his own Oscar-worthy performance. While the defense scrambled to meet him, Cassel brought his arm up from its side, where he’d been secretly harboring the ball, and lofted it into the hands of a nearly wide open Le’Ron McClain. 

Now let’s call it the high-point of his career, let the Chiefs eat the rest of his salary and move on with our lives.

But wait a minute… what’s that? You say Todd Haley’s been shown the door?! Okay, wait… not so fast. Turns out that SOMEBODY in Internetville started a rumor immediately after the game that Boxcar Haley had been let go, and they attributed it to the Star’s Adam Teicher. This drew the ire of a few KC Sports journalist types (and if there’s one person you don’t want to piss off, it’s a pasty, chicken-armed white-guy who sits at a computer all day typing words).

@kentbabb (writer, Kansas City Star)

“No one from the KC Star has reported anything about Todd Haley’s job in Kansas City. Previous tweets being shared are fabricated.”

@adamteicher

“Just so you’ll know, I didn’t tweet anything about Todd Haley. I’m not reporting anything like that. I never deleted anything like that”

The most vitriol of all was spilled from the poison-tipped pen of beloved sports columnist, Sam Mellinger.

@Mellinger

“I’ve now blocked two people. One said unspeakable things about my man parts and what I do with them. The other made up Tweets of a co-worker.”

Damn, Sam. You straight laid it DOWN, kid! But wait… it does beg the question, what in the hell was said about his MAN-PARTS?! I guess some things are better left as a mystery.

And finally, what would a Tales from the Tweet be without a quick glimpse into the very special mind of Kansas City’s pride and joy, Sports Radio 810’s Kevin Kietzman? Last week, he was awestruck watching elderly women “crush XXL Chalupas” while he sat eating a diet-taco, pondering his masculinity. This week, he’s still on his food kick:

@kkwhb

“Saw a lady eating her lunch today while driving. Using chopsticks!”

Wild, man. Just… wild.

But wait—Javier Arenas wanted to share one last thing!

@ JavierArenas21 (Chiefs CB)

“i wanna watch Pee-wee Herman”

Look, I don’t know if he meant right then or forever, but regardless, I’m feelin’ you, Javier. I’m feelin’ you, bro.