As football reaches its meaty middle, and the NBA continues to labor on through pissy-pants negotiations, the nation turns its lonely eye to Twitter—woo-woo-woo—for some steamy, illicit, hot-stove talk. So what’s on the burner? A little Royals chatter, for starters. And while some of the hardware won’t roll in until Monday, November 14th (Rookie of the Year), standout 1st baseman Eric Hosmer is already bringing home some honors.
@KCKaegel (Dick Kaegel, Royals writer, Guy with Generic Twitter Picture of an Egg)
“Rookie 1B Eric Hosmer wins KC’s Joe Burke Special Achievement Award in vote by BBWAA members. More details coming on http://royals.com.”
Though this is an award specific to Kansas City, a trophy is a trophy. After exhaustive internet research, it appears that the award is named after front office/managerial legend Joe Burke, who was serving as Royals club president at the time of his death in 1992. This makes much more sense than my original theory, where the award was named after the actor who played Corky on the 1990’s dramatic television series “Life Goes On”.
@bobfescoe (610 Sports Embarrassment)
“Hearing #mizzou is having trouble leaving the Big 12 bc they hired LaRussa as mediator and he can’t hear what they want to do”
Speaking of, the 2011 Chris Burke Award for Making Strides in the Field of Special Achievement goes to 610’s own Bob Fescoe. Though this Tweet was from October 25th, and therefore still slightly relevant, this one was from October 31st:
“NO truth to the rumor that not being able to hear on the bullpen phone contributed to this decision for Larussa”
We get it, Bob. The fucking phone was broken. Jesus, get over it, dude.
Back to Hot-Stove, kids!
@Royals_Report (Bob Dutton, KC Star Royals Beat Writer)
“#Royals 1B Eric Hosmer is losing finalist in Players Choice Award for top AL rookie. Winner is Angels 1B Mark Trumbo.”
Screw the players and screw Mark Trumbo. Trumbo is older, very one-dimensional and had stats boosted with the benefit of an entire season. I don’t even think he’s Eric Hosmer’s biggest competition. That’d be Tampa Bay’s Jeremy Hellickson, who went 13-10 with a 2.95 ERA. Again: screw Mark Trumbo.
So how does Hosmer respond to the accolades? In a manner very befitting that of a modern day 22-year-old multi-millionaire: by searching for friends to play games against online:
@Hos3KC (Eric Hosmer, 1B, KC Royals)
“Getting my skills right on black ops before mw3 comes out on my roomates name(Beast_mode1022). @Drob104 @JtMoNe11 come see me!!!!!!”
But why is he using his “roomates” identity?
“Don’t have a gamer tag right now I gotta make a trip to my parents house when mw3 comes out to get my ps3 I’ll let u guys no what it is”
Cool. Keep us posted, Hos.
But Hosmer wasn’t the only Royal representing in postseason awards. In fact, the biggest honor of all goes to leftfielder Alex Gordon.
@KCKaegel
“12 hours after winning Gold Glove, LF Alex Gordon is named Royals Player of Year by KC Baseball Writers. More details on Royals. com.”
First, let me get this straight, Dick… there are MORE details on Royals.com? Thanks for that incessant plug that you include on EVERY Tweet, and 2) You GO, Alex. Hell yes. After an offseason in which he promised to dominate, he brought his bat, his glove, his beard and his weird, kinda-burn-victim-looking-hair and, well, dominated.
@goldbergkc (Joel Goldberg, Royals TV Dude)
“Alex Gordon wins the Les Milgram award as the Royals player of the year.”
And here’s… more proof of his dominance. Look, I ain’t gonna lie. I had to Google Les Milgram, and I still didn’t find out who he was (to be fair, I looked for like, two minutes). All I came up with—other than articles mentioning the award—was a review site for the Elms Hotel and Spa in Excelsior Springs, MO. Apparently, “Les Milgram and his wife really made me feel a lot better. I had seen the Milgram’s at the hotel many times as they were frequent visitors.” So, there you go. Keep up the great work, Alex. Maybe you too can be a frequent visitor… to a hotel and spa in a scary, backwoods part of Missouri.
But wait, there’s more!
@ladyduke12 (Dina Wathan Blevins, Coordinator-Media Services, Kansas City Royals, probably related to John)
“Bruce Chen named 2011 Bruce Rice Royals Pitcher of the Year voted by KC BB writers.”
Probably not ideal (your pitcher of the year probably shouldn’t be a 34-year-old veteran with 10 caps in his closet), but it’s hard to argue. The free-agent left-hander went 12-8 with a 3.77 ERA and managed to be a “stopper” time and time again. Definitely wouldn’t mind bringing him back—supposing we’ve got 3 or 4 guys ready to pitch ahead of him.
So congrats to all—you made this a fun, stepping-stone of a year. No complaints. Oh, especially because we didn’t lose television announcer Ryan Lefebvre. Yeah, that was a concern after he interviewed for the Twins radio job, a development that seemed to fly a little under the radar. 
@JoeCStrib (JoeChristensen, Minnesota Star Tribune, Twins Beat Writer)
“#Twins notify Lefebvre that he won’t be their radio voice (cofirming Reusse’s earlier tweet)”
@bobfescoe
“I am glad Ryan is staying with the #royals. I really enjoy him on TV and think he is smart, well prepared and funny! A win for KC!”
I agree with Bob Fescoe. Shit. Saying that just made me throw up in my mouth a little.
But honestly, Ryan is great. His work with Denny on the radio was outstanding, and he carries the television broadcasts with his wry wit, intelligent insight and all-around awesomeness. Losing Ryan shortly before the Royals begin winning would have been bad news. It’s a little disturbing they almost let him get away.
But the big question of the week, the query that’s burning like dragon diarrhea in the collective mind of all KCConfidential readers is, what’s going on with Royals’ 2nd Baseman Johnny Giavotella? Glad you asked.
@Gio2bKC
“For the best Cajun seasoning try "Slap Ya Mama" products. Great tasting and can be used on just about anything! #slapyamama”
Wait… is this a real thing? Um, YES it’s a real thing: slapyamama.com/. Per their website—which seems surprisingly functional and modern—Slap Ya Mama was born from the kitchen of Wilda Marie Fontenot it 1956 and is named so quirkily because “every time she uses it, she receives a loving slap on the back and a kiss on the cheek thanking her for another great Cajun dish.” And apparently, our own Johnny G swears by it… or it’s the strangest product placement to hit Twitter since Kevin Kietzman began lobbying to be a star of the small-screen. Dig:
@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman, 810 WHB)
“Oughta be an ad. I’m eating fresco chicken taco at the Bell and a pair of 85 year old ladies are destroying XXL Chalupas!”
No, that “oughtan’t” be an ad, Kevin. That oughta done been somethin’ you kept to your lonesome.
Billy Butler went on vacation:
@BillyButlerKC (Royals DH/1B –ha)
“Any KC fans gonna be @ Disneyland today? I will be chasing my almost 3yr old around the park…come say HI if you spot us!”
I love the visual I got when I read this… “Country Breakfast” chasing a toddler around an amusement park while some wacky banjo music plays in the background. Belly jiggling, pits staining with explanding circles of sweat, Billy plows into Goofy and both topple to the ground. Hilarity: ensued.
But the world doesn’t revolve around chalupas and baseball, believe it or not. Case in point, Jose Canseco. Once a legend of the steroid-dripping diamond, he’s turned his life around and is now drifting around the seedier parts of the western United States fighting people for… I don’t know… chalupa money?
@JoseCanseco (former MLB all-star, bizarre depressant)
“Buy ur tickets 4 my fight Nov 5 w/Tareq Solahi and many many other celebs.. celebrityfighttickets.com Heres a discount code! "fighter1105"
Geez, guys. I’m really fucking sorry about this. See, I could have gotten you all a discount on J. Can’s Saturday night throw down against “Tareq Solahi,” but I failed. And again, I’m really, really sorry.
Wait… you don’t know who Tareq “Solahi” is? Well, for starters, correct Jose’s misspelling from Solahi to Salahi. Now Google that shit. That’s right, the former Bash Brother fought none other than that dude who attended Obama’s state-dinner, sans invitation. Also on the card? Coolio, Joey Buttafuoco (fighting—who else? Amy Fisher’s husband), Kato Kaelin and Michael Lohan (who’s gonna need a day-pass to play, if I’m not mistaken).
Why is this kind of thing even legal? I’m being serious here. Please explain? And what do real fighters think of this nonsense?
[Ed. Note: while researching results, discovered that I couldn’t find out if this happened, and if it did, who won. In fact, I’m seeing a lot of stories discussing a fight between Canseco and former Phillies hero/low-class-douchebag Lenny Dykstra that was supposed to have been this past Saturday as well. As I’m sure you’re all hanging on the edge of your seat, I vow to figure this out]
@VICIOUSortiz (Victor Ortiz, boxer, whiner)
“Everyone seems to focus on my head butt to Floyd I did that w cruel intentions after being elbowed 16 times watch replays People!”
Seriously, Victor? It’s been two months. You lost. And whether you think Floyd Mayweather was sportsman-like or not (he wasn’t) he did nothing wrong. You lost. Face it. Stop whining.
So, since you couldn’t make it to the “big” fight this weekend, maybe you took in a movie. Maybe you even took Jerry Seinfeld’s advice.
@JerrySeinfeld (comedian, children’s book author)
“Hey gang, got another movie for you. "Rum Diary". Brilliant. This is writing.”
I love Seinfeld. Unapologetically. But this is the kind of thing that makes me wonder if his Twitter account really belongs to the award winning comedic genius. Aside from this awkward, unfounded Tweet, I’ve heard nothing redeeming about this movie. (and this includes a review from Smartman—arguably Johnny Depp’s biggest fan. If he says it’s bad, you KNOW it’s gotta stink worse than a pile of catfish entrails left to bake in a brutal August sun).
What silver screen offering has Joe Posnanski’s raging?
@JPosnanski (sports writer, Sports Illustrated)
“Jack and Jill is running an anti-commercial — the more times you see it the less likely you are to see that movie.”
I would shed nary a tear if Adam Sandler were to be struck by a bus. Not killed, mind you—I’m not THAT evil—but maimed. Greatly. And left without the ability to formulate ideas or hold a ballpoint pen. I ask you honestly, when was the last time he made a genuinely funny movie? Happy Gilmore in 1996? So, 15 years ago? Keep up the great work, Adam.
Enough anger, let’s wind it down.
@OzzieGuillen (Manager, Florida Marlins)
“Ruben is great so good still do is stuff”
My thoughts EXACTLY, Ozzie. Great minds think alike (in broken English, with half-riddles and grotesque befuddlements).
And finally, the man who’s crazier than Ozzie… I promise:
@DannyDeVito (actor, semi-scary/lovable weirdo)
“…For what it’s worth… Do you peeps listen to Buffalo Springfield?”
Yes.
Sincerely,
My Dad,
Long Before I was Born
Funny stuff 🙂
I think Les Milgram was the founder of “Milgrims” grocery stores.
He used to appear at the old stadium on 18th and Vine (You parked your cars on peoples front lawns.). I heard him make a couple of speeches before games.
I believe he was in the camps (As in concentration) and had the numbers on his arm to prove it.
Adam Sandler is as bad as Ben Stiller.
Hi Neighbor!
Ol’ Les also had a jazz band which played at Chief’s games. Some guy named Tony played horn.
Milgram’s also sponsored the Chief’s Rookie Bowl, always KC vs Denver rookies in the first preseason game. Tickets $1 with your grocery purchase.
Stadium would be full of huddle club members and rowdy teens (moi). The place would be rockin’ with young fans.
1966, Sandy Stevens was the QB. KCMO had micked the QBs and were broadcasting their voices during the game.
Fourth-and-goal, Denver had stopped KC six times from crossing the goal line. The fans were roaring with each snap, listening to Sandy bark out the plays.
Chiefs huddle up, one last shot to get a touchdown and Sandy says, “Let’s get this m’fer into the end zone!!!!”
The crowd goes wild(er), the Chiefs punch it in. The crowd is going nutz.
“Due to technical difficulties we will no longer be broadcasting the players,” came the word over KCMO-AM.
We are old Orphan
Great story.
Leftridge Is Another Hearne/Glazer In The Making
Dina Wathan Blevins IS John Wathan’s daughter. Pretty simple to fact check for that.
Brandon,
Unfortunately, you crazy, worthless, no-nothing kids can (and do) do a lot worse than listen to Buffalo Springfield.
Sincerely,
The 60’s and 70’s,
Calling From When Music Was Good
Fore plus Won Equals Five
The acronym returns!
Homosmer
Brandon:
Of my many skills and talents is an acute sense of GAYDAR. My bells hit CARSON KRESSLEY volume when I see Eric Hosmer. So far as I know he has not been spotted squiring any female HOTTIES around town.
I’ve got lots of gay and lesbian friends and they think he may be gay too. They’d love for him to come out of the dugout as he would be an excellent role model and someone they could rally around. He does have a sweet ass. As the current sports czar at KCC I think you are the perfect person to inquire of the KC Royals about Eric’s sexual orientation. When I was his age I was flat broke and still nailing chicks like a coked up Mexican roofer. This guy ought to be laying pipe coast to coast.
Thanks for the Johnny Depp shoutout. Sonofabitch snuck into Dr. Gonzo’s life at the end when he would have befriended Dick Cheney to put some wampum in the tee-pee. The Hunter Thompson I respect and admire would pretty much have despised all things Depp going back to 21 Jump Street. Just goes to show that there is such a thing as too many drugs. At least he got his funeral paid for.
Good work! Carry on.