Leftridge: Tales from the Tweet: Chiefs Streak, Artest’s Taco Meat and King Carl to the Rescue

So the big news ‘round these here parts over the past few days has been the lopsided Chiefs’ victory in Oakland. Though it wasn’t a pretty victory at times—10 penalties for 98 yards is damned awful—the defense shined. Derrick Johnson was unstoppable and our secondary feasted on the deliciously terrible Kyle Boller and a rusty Carson Palmer, picking off the duo a remarkable six times. Javier Arenas scored a rushing touchdown out of the Wildcat and Jon Asamoah’s jiggly-ass fell on a loose ball in the end zone. A complete victory.

What did Twitter think?

@Mellinger (Sam Mellinger, columnist, Kansas City Star)

“Most stereotypes are wrong or exaggerated. The one about the #Raiders parking lot is not. #chiefs”

“Just saw a guy sell a toke of his blunt. There’s a cop maybe 10 yards away.”

@adamteicher (writer, Kansas City Star)

“Most unique game-day atmosphere in NFL. Just the walk through parking lot is intimidating.”

If New Jersey is considered the armpit of America, then Oakland, California simply MUST be considered its taint. I cannot think of one viable reason to live in, or visit this cesspool of manure. When your greatest societal contribution as a city is MC Hammer, you know you’ve gotten things wrong. “Come to Sunny Oakland: a Place to Stab and be Stabbed!”
 

@adamteicher (writer, Kansas City Star)

“Bold move by Bowe, taking his TD celebration right in front of the Black Hole. #Chiefs #Raiders”

@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman, host, 810 am)

“Beer shower for Bowe.”

I’m typically not a fan of excessive celebrations, even when it’s coming from the good guys. I’d much rather see a Barry Sanders-esque, “act like you’ve been there before” display where the player hands the ball to the ref. That being said, I loved Bowe shoving it in the collective, ugly face of Raiders’ fans after scoring an eventually negated touchdown. Didn’t mind Brandon Flowers’ flexing, either. Too bad Arenas didn’t whip out his dangle and attempt to give a golden shower to the front row. I would have tried to talk my wife into naming our firstborn “Javier.”
 

@bobfescoe (host, 610 am)

“I think the #chiefs are using Johnson as the spy on Bush today. Smart call by the defensive staff”

Hey guess what, guys? The un-funniest person on Twitter made a Johnson/Bush joke! At least… I think it was a joke. Wait… was this a joke? Somebody help me out here.
 

@SSJ_WHB (Steven St. John, host, 810 am)

“:-D”

Yep, that just about sums up my feelings as well. Am I upset that we won’t end up with Andrew Luck? Well, yes and no.

A) Nothing is a sure thing. Luck could be Ryan Leaf with a more pleasant demeanor (though this seems highly unlikely).

B) We’re far out of contention in the Luck campaign, anyway—the Vikings, Dolphins and Colts all seem to be much worse teams, and therefore, much better contenders to land the services of the Stanford QB.

C) There are other decent quarterbacks to be had in next year’s draft. Now, whether the Chiefs can properly evaluate said talent remains to be seen.

D) Winning is much, much more fun, especially against hated divisional rivals.
 

@richeisen (host, NFL network)

“Most impressive outing of the day may be KC: the chiefs are flat-out off the mat and will be just 1 game off West lead in less than an hour”

@sportsguy33 (Bill Simmons writer, ESPN, Grantland.com)

“Kansas City’s offense is trying to get off the field as quickly as possible so Palmer can get the ball back. This is the game of the year.”

Occasionally, national sports figures remember that our little hamlet has a couple of professional sports teams. Kinda makes you feel warm and fuzzy, like too much vodka, or getting your penis stuck in a toaster oven (don’t ask). 
 

@jazayerli (Rany Jazayerli, Royals blogger, dermatologist)

“If Chiefs win at home on MNF next week, they’ll be tied for 1st place. I can’t overstate how difficult it is for my brain to process this.”

Um, yeah… me neither. Considering the way this season started, this is downright baffling. And exciting. Monday night—Halloween, no less—at Arrowhead, for the division lead. Incredible. You feel that tingle in your balls? That’s hope, my friend.
 

@SBreaston15 (Steve Breaston, WR, Chiefs)

“I always look forward to a cold Pepsi after the game #endallbeall”

I couldn’t tell whether this was weird product placement, or if he was making a joke. Regardless, Breaston has really shown up the past couple of weeks. He’s earned his Pepsi.
 

The Chiefs throttling the Raiders was big news in KC, but around the rest of the league, the much bigger story was the dawn of Tebow. Twitter reacted thusly:

@sportsguy33 (Bill Simmons writer, ESPN, Grantland.com)

“Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-bowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!”

@Drob104 (Derrick Robinson, Royals OF prospect)

“Tebow Time!! #toldyallthatguyisjusblessed”
 

Exciting, right? But Nick Wright made a much more astute summation of the Chosen One’s debut:

@getnickwright (host, 610 am)

“I’m not trying to be a hater, but Tim Tebow just threw the worst pass I’ve ever seen in the NFL.”

Tebow’s performance was… meh… much less impressive than people think. He looked sloppy and frazzled early, but turned it on when it mattered most. He’s certainly no Cam Newton, but he could be serviceable. Maybe. A little. Time will tell.

And elsewhere, other things were happening too.

@RickyWilliams (RB, Baltimore Ravens)

“One of the reasons I don’t tweet much is cause the weed jokes get kinda old.”

Now, Ricky… if it looks like a duck, and it walks like a duck, it’s probably a really talented running back who cost himself a few years of productivity and millions of dollars because he couldn’t quit smoking dope. You just couldn’t wait until retirement, huh?

The World Series is in full swing, and Florida Marlins’ manager Ozzie Guillen is supposed to be there covering it. The thing is, I haven’t seen him. Either he’s doing pregame (I generally don’t watch), or I’m not paying close enough attention. I never miss an Ozzie Tweet, though.

@OzzieGuillen

“Ice cream movie sleep well”

Simple. Poetic. Ozzie.

He also took a second to share some positive thoughts about his friends.

“Joey cora greg walker whit big league jobs god bleesing”

Yes, Ozzie, God bleeses all of us in His own, mysterious way.

Speaking of possible lunatics masquerading as professional athletes, I just discovered Metta World Peace’s (the artist formerly known as Ron Artest) Twitter. Strange, to say the least.

@MettaWorldPeace (unemployed basketball player)

“look me in my chest hairs And say " metta, is that taco meat"

“Girl I love you.I love you so much! Girl I want to hold you so tight. I want to squeeze like ten farts out you!Did u have beans for dinner?”
 

Oh, Metta. You so cuh-razy! You know who else is bat-shit insane? Danny DeVito!

@DannyDeVito

“Anybody know a female Theramin player from LA”

I’m fairly certain that after several years of playing Frank on the brilliant FX comedy ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ DeVito has BECOME the eccentric bar owner. I’m both profoundly curious as to why he wants a female Theremin player and yet afraid to ask. Bill Simmons created a theory called ‘the Tyson Zone.’ The idea behind the Tyson Zone is that an athlete or public figure’s behavior is so bizarre, you’d believe anything you hear about that person, without questioning it. I think DeVito could easily slip into the Tyson Zone. I mean honestly, would you be surprised to hear that he was found roaming naked around a Walgreens wearing nothing but a fanny-pack full of cocaine and carrying a steak-knife? I probably wouldn’t.
 

And finally, the most unintentionally hilarious Tweet of the week:

@ClaytonESPN (John Clayton, NFL analyst, ESPN)

“It would make great sense for Dolphin ownership to bring in Carl Peterson as a consultant for the remainder of the season. He can help.”

Help WHAT, exactly? Disenfranchise your best players? Chase them out of town over a discrepancy involving a few million dollars? Fail to draft and develop a franchise quarterback? Lose miserably in a handful of playoff appearances? Clayton’s a smart guy… I don’t get this one at all.