Leftridge: Tales from the Tweet: Eric Berry’s Bad Blood, Wright is Wrong & Kevin Kietzman- Murderer?

Twitter was abuzz recently with player and pundit reaction to the Chiefs’ first victory, the enthralling start to the MLB playoffs, and the continued non-progress of David Stern’s newest drama, “The NBA Lockout: A Billionaire’s Catfight.”  

I only managed to catch some of those things—well, the Chiefs’ stuff, to be precise. But I found some other funny crap, some of which was worth sharing.

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

@BFlowers (Brandon Flowers, Chiefs CB)
“Larry Bird is unstoppable in #NBA2k12 for the #PS3! Make sure you get your copy from @2ksports, in stores October 4th”

Wow… what a complete shill. I mean, I suppose he got a free copy for doing this, but really? I hope if I’m ever a multi-millionaire, I don’t resort to Tweeting for free video games. Wait… unless it WORKS. @FIFA12 is in stores now! Make sure to pick up your copy today!

@JoseCanseco
“Love and miss u dad”

Canseco’s Twitter feed is like looking into the soul of a wilting flower.  It’s horrifically honest and sad, and at times, downright depressing. Prior to last week’s multi-Tweet tirade against Car Max (“Don’t go to car max u can get a better deal at any other place .they also have kids working here that will insult u with trade in value”) he spent his time alternately pining for someone named Leila (“I want to apologize to leila for what I said about her .she is a kind and beautiful person who deserves better than me”) and threatening followers who made fun of him (“Better to be a hasbin than never have bin”).

For the love of all that’s holy, Jose, please stop.

@JavierArenas21
“Grandma that lever on the side of seat makes it recline #howdoesthatsteeringwheeltaste”

“Never been so excited about pasta”

“is it a good thing if ur vacuum sucks”

Oh, Javier, you insanely lovable bastard. I think the first one’s a crack at an old person’s driving skills, the second is… yeah, I don’t know… and the third is a joke. I think? Keep ‘em coming, Javy.

Speaking of the Chiefs’ secondary, Eric Berry (@Stuntman1429) has been active in his inactivity. Like his buddy Javier, he too visits Walmart:

“I can finally use the electric carts at wal mart without bein chased by management.”

Keeps us up to date on the ACL:

“Surgery was straight. Really appreciate everyone’s prayers. Doc was kinda freaked out cuz he found out I bleed orange. forgot to tell him.”

And lusts after a sports reporter:

“Any day u wake up to sage talkin about sports on ur tv is a good day.”

ESPN’s Sage Steele, Berry? Really? She’s 38, married, and a mother three times over. And all of that being said… I’m just not feeling it, EB. Whatever boils your potato, I suppose.

But the real story of the week wasn’t Berry’s love life, or Arenas’ zingers, it was the Chiefs victory. So what did people think?

@ChrisWarcraft (Chris Kluwe, Vikings P)
“Normally I’d apologize to the KC fan I beaned in the head during warmups, but we lost, so I won’t. #justkidding, #hopeyoudonthaveaconcussion”

Like our own Arenas, the Vikings’ punter is one of Twitter’s more enjoyable personas. And he seems to have maintained his humor in the loss:

“So now that we’ve arrived home, what should tonight’s liquid solace be? Skyy? Patrón? Bacardi? Drano?! #remembertokillyourbrainresponsibly”

@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman, 810 WHB)
“Tim Brewster scares me but I love Gus.”

Agreed, at least on the Brewster part. Jesus, it was like having to listen to Will Ferrell’s  “Voice Immodulation Guy” describe what he’s seeing on the sidelines.

@theprogramkc (Soren Petro, 810 WHB)
“Cassel off to a tough start…. But Succop gets the FG. Chiefs lead for the first time in 2011!!!!!”

Yep, and that lasted for a little over 5 minutes. Pop the top on that Riunite, kids! But hey, they persevered, didn’t they?

@kkwhb (Kietzman)
“Chiefs seem to be perfect cure for mcnabb.”

Then perhaps the later sickness stemmed from the Houston’s that he reportedly ate the night before. Regardless, he ended up embodying the reason the Eagles and then the Redskins severed ties. They both saw what a lot of other people didn’t (myself included). McNabb is done.  

@theprogramkc (Petro)
“Vikings fans representing today…. 5 to 10 percent of the crowd is in Viking gear!”

This is both the blessing and the curse to being such a cordial city. Anytime one of Kansas City’s teams plays a team within a 10-hour radius, we’re likely to see an influx of the other teams’ fans. It’s better than being in LA/San Fran/Oakland, though. At least here, no one is beaten almost to death after a loss.

@theprogramkc (Petro)
“Hali’s sack gives him 44.5 for his career… Moving him into a tie with eric Hicks for 5th in Chiefs history. Jared Allen is 7th with 43”

Very interesting, impressive stat, and one that I can honestly say surprised me a bit. Let’s hear it for Hali, folks.  Prolific AND less obnoxious than O’ Mulleted One.

@getnickwright (Nick Wright, 610)
“And for those asking about Brandon Flowers… I would be absolutely shocked if he played. This week or next. #Chiefs”

“I’m not ready to say Baldwin is definitely out, but as I said in previous tweet. It’s looking less likely than it was 4 days ago. #Chiefs”

Nick Wright was all over the place with his incorrect injury news. Baldwin was ready to roll, no WAY was Flowers playing. Though he later copped to his error, the damage was done. Like my momma always said, ‘if you don’t have something (w)right to say, don’t say nothing.’ Or something like that.

@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman)
“Been a lot of places, my deck at sunset in September is greatest place on earth.”

Sometimes, Kietzman’s Tweets sound like his radio show—rambling, incoherent and two seconds away from name-dropping his deck builder. Oh, AND he’s a murderer:

“Moth flew at fire pit, backed away, heat was too much and he fell onto rocks. #notmyfault”

Thanks for sharing that, Kietz. I’ve forwarded this Tweet to the good people at PETA.

@AdrianPeterson
“!!! Who knew in Kenya there’s been reports of Eagles taking kids up to the Age of 6! YEAH, I didn’t stutter…Eagles! WOW”

So… Adrian Peterson is nuts, right?

@BlaineGabbert
“Saw a family of armadillos walking down the street”

And Blaine Gabbert is right there with him? I feel like both of these Tweets were shared by an old, grandfatherly man sitting in rocking chairs, softly gumming a Werther’s Original.

@theprogramkc (Petro)
“Sources told me last night… and the Royals confirmed this morning Bubba Starling received a citation for minor in possession in Arizona.”

@getnickwright
“Regarding Bubba Starling MIP… Is there any law more asinine than having to be 21 to drink, but 18 to do, literally, anything else?”

@mellinger (KC Star columnist Sam Mellinger)
“I’m not saying I’m right about this. I’m just saying Bubba Starling’s MIP is a 1 on a 1-10 scale of things to get worked up about. #Royals”

“Irrelevant question: long as there’s no drunk driving, would you rather the #Royals catch Bubba with a beer or a Big Mac?”

Somebody sound the goddamned alarms, Bubba bellies a brew!

Good points from Mellinger and Wright. I was really hoping that this story wouldn’t get blown out of proportion, and it didn’t. Though it seems to go against everything I know about KC media, they managed to let this story die—as they should have.

@TJMoe28 (Mizzou RB)
"I hate seeing guys get injured. I pray for safety for everyone on the field before every game. Fans don’t understand what injuries do to ppl."

Are you kidding, TJ? They ruin folks’ fantasy football teams! Of COURSE fans know what injuries do to players!

And finally:

@Royals_Report (Bob Dutton, KC Star)
“#Royals trade 1B Kila Ka’aihue to Oakland for minor-league pitcher. More soon at kcstar.com.”

Two things about this Tweet.  1) Bob Dutton’s Twitter picture makes him look like a sad serial killer and 2) So long, Keela Killawalla’hi. I never got the infatuation with you and your minor league power, but I bet somewhere, Calvin Pickering is rubbing his ample, Virgin Islander belly and nodding approvingly.