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In today’s modern media world, some of the greatest quotes come not from press conferences or radio interview soundbites, but directly from the horse’s mouth. And by ‘horse,’ I mean person. And by ‘mouth,’ I mean Twitter page.
Social media is a vast landscape of triumph and tragedy; ridiculousness and realism.
But who has the time for all of those Tweets? What lifeless loser has hours to spend looking up random athletes and sports media personalities, in search of gold but bogged down with a thousand unnecessary ‘lolz’ and a million punishing abuses of the English language?
I do, my friends. I do.
It is my pleasure to present to you, this installment of ‘Tales from the Tweet.’
@acrow43 (Aaron Crow, Royals RP)
“Just beat Luke Hochevar in words with friends again. Still undefeated against him”
Though this is an older Tweet, sounds like we may have found the reason for Aaron Crow’s late season implosion. Words with Friends is a soul-sucking, life-consuming addiction. I speak from experience; my wife used to know I existed.
@OzzieGuillen (Florida Marlins manager)
“At the the negro league museun in kc.”
“Every player coming tru kansas city should come visit the museum and see. Especially if you are latino to see this great history.”
I’m going to miss Ozzie’s profanity laced tirades directed at the media after the Sox lost a game to the lowly Royals. Nice shout out to the ‘museun,’ too. (Bonus points for wasting precious characters in the first Tweet with the double ‘the’, as well.)
@mrzoombiya (Jarrod Dyson, Royals OF)
“Just lost 440 on the poker table in the casino”
Nice. Mental note: if Dyson ever sticks with the big league club, keep him away from Ameristar. The last thing the new look Royals need is a speedster with an addiction. #WillieWilson
@jazayerli (Rany Jazayerli, Royals fan, baseball blogger, dermatologist)
“My next sentence hasn’t been spoken truthfully in 25 years. If you want to cheer up, KC fans, switch over from the Chiefs to the Royals game.”
Rany’s a wise man. And though this Tweet was from 9/18’s loss to the Lions, I have a feeling this is a re-Tweetable sentiment (well- it was, at least until the Royals season ended on Wednesday).
@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman, WHB 810)
“Watching at my mom’s. She doesn’t have a radio. 15 yrs on 810… Wonder if she has ever listened. #humbled”
This is weird. And depressing. And I’m a little curious as to why this is the first time it’s come up in 15 years.
@jazayerli
“MLB should declare a league-wide holiday when AJ Pierzynski retires. Also, Jesse Chavez sucks.”
Damn, Jazzy! Telling it like it IS, brother. (and it’s true—AJ looks like a turtle, and is well known to be a huge ass. Oh yeah, and Chavez is yet another Braves retread who is in dire need of a haircut).
@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman, WHB 810)
“Rivers leads NFL in interceptions to defensive linemen. What a bonehead.”
Seriously, Kev… who intentionally calls someone a ‘bonehead’? This should have been hash-tagged #InsultsFromThe1940s
@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman, WHB 810)
“I’m really glad Pioli passed on D. Alexander. Very wise.”
Yeah, because who would want a legitimate deep threat who’s capable of making acrobatic catches? Not the Chiefs. No freaking way, man.
@MikeTyson (yep)
“I bit Evander because I was undisciplined at that moment. I had nothing to lose then. I had no wife, I didn’t have my kids.”
He left off the part where he exclaimed: ‘But I had an insatiabuw appetite for human eaws.’
@getnickwright (Nick Wright, KCSP 610)
“What a sad, miserable, broken person you must be. RT @AnnCoulter: ONE TROY DAVIS FLAME-BROILED, PLEASE.”
“I’ve blocked fewer than 20 people in my Twitter career… These Ann Coulter apoogists are about to take that number north of 50.”
1) Fact: Ann Coulter is a massive, hemorrhaging hole.
2) Regardless of your feelings about the recent execution of convicted cop killer Troy Davis, this just goes to show that politics and sports make strange bed-fellows.
@ESPNStatsInfo
“With Butler, Melky, Francoeur & Gordon, the Royals are 4th team to have 4 players w/ 40 doubles (’29 Tigers, ’32 Phillies & ’06 Rangers).”
Man… just to think about what we could have done with some decent starting pitching. I’m also hereby declaring this the official start of the ‘Bring Back Melky’ campaign. He’s 27. He fits in with the youth movement. He’s proven what he’s capable of. No excuses.
@JavierArenas21 (Javier Arenas, Chiefs CB)
“i like to throw up random gang signs to Wal-Mart greeters”
“Convinced that u dnt have to pass a class to get your drivers permit in op”
Javier Arenas is one of the more personality-laden athletes on Twitter. It’s refreshing to hear a professional football player talk about the lighter side of life—you know, terrifying elderly retail employees and the terrible motoring habits of Johnson County drivers. Keep it up, Javier.
@wilmyers (Wil Meyers, highly touted Royals outfield prospect)
“I must say @SouthPark is the best show on tv”
Yep, he’s 21, folks.
@FloydMayweather (duh)
“I’m tired of beating up these guys. I’m thinking of moving up to the heavyweights and fighting the Klitschko brothers.”
Look, we all know that “Money” Mayweather is the king of arrogance… but this was stupid, even for him. I would pay damned good money to watch one of the Drago’s beat the ever-loving snot out of him. Please do it, Floyd, PLEASE.
@kentbabb (Kent Babb, KC Star)
“WR Jonathan Baldwin is catching passes in pregame warmups. Can’t play today, but this is progress.”
Oh thank Jesus! Problem. Solved.
@getnickwright
“As we’ve said for a while, the hope is that Baldwin plays next week.”
Hope is such a strong word, Nick. Look, I get it. Baldwin could be the next… Steve Breaston? But the fact of the matter is, he’s an unabashed diva who’s lousy attitude caused him to miss the first four games of his professional career. Inexcusable. Screw J. Baldwin and screw Pioli for pretending that ‘character’ was such an important quality when building this team. 
@kkwhb (Kevin Kietzman)
“Slam me if you want, but Haley’s game management is very good.”
@getnickwright (Nick Wright)
“I’ve been really impressed with Haley’s gameplan… Given our injuries/weaknesses, this is #Chiefs only chance to move ball.”
These were both tweets from the Chargers game. It’s nice to see the boys agree on something for once. It’s pretty clear who Wright blames for the Chiefs troubles thus far… possibly Kietzman as well? But wait… let’s see what Wright REALLY thinks about the Pioli/Haley issue.
@getnickwright (Nick Wright)
“I posted this late last night, but I’ll repost since people are still asking about genesis of Haley/Pioli beef…”
“Pioli hired Haley b/c he thought Haley would always be beholden to him b/c he gave Haley his first real shot…”
“Things started to go sour when Pioli wanted to bring in Weis, Haley objected, and Pioli did it anyway.”
“Haley has never been high on Cassel, and that was another Pioli pick. Haley also wanted more money spent this offseason, it obviously wasn’t”
“Now a fall guy is needed, and Pioli is leaking stuff like Haley having a bad work ethic to Florio, and hoping the focus stays on Haley.”
“The shame of it, is Haley would be safe no matter what if he hadn’t gone out on such a limb with the preseason. Now he’ll be the fall guy.”
Yahoo! Sports writer Mike Silver brought a lot of this to light in a recent column. He also mentioned Josh McDaniels being a possible replacement once Haley is (inevitably) shown the door. If this happens, I will vomit blood. And then move to St. Louis and pledge allegiance to the Rams.
@ESPNStatsInfo
“Neither #Rams or #Chiefs have run an offensive play w/ a lead this season. Only 2 teams who have yet to run a play with a lead this season.”
Stats can’t lie, folks. It’s not in their nature.
Funny stuff Brandon 🙂
In the spirit of athlete commentary, I offer the following for a few more laughs. 🙂
.1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
“I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first..”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say:
“I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,”
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
“He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings..”
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes..”
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
“You guys line up alphabetically by height..”
And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
“I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’
He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D:
“Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
“I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: “Because she’s too ugly to kiss good-bye.”
Kinda funny. 🙂
Sometimes I listen to Nick Wright interview athletes. Not because you would EVER, and I mean EVER hear anything that you could place a bet on, or derive prescient information regarding an upcoming contest, but because, it can really be funny. If Nick is interrviewing, live, a guy who scored 7 on his Wonderlic, well…, its funny.
We should quit kiddin ourselves and include training camp drills on the SATs, for those “scholars” who are challenged by remedial math, and are just aquiring reading skills.
“Hey, this kid just scored a 41 on his SATs.”
“Jesus! he can’t spell Tom?”
“No, that was yesterday, this kids name is Bob.”
“How is he in the 40?”
“Maxima cum laude, a 4.0”
“Thats 2000 on the SAT!!”
“Our next running back is a nuclear physicist!!!”
Brandon, do a column on teams bullshitting every one on the Wonderlic Test.
The test score leaks out, and the cover up is on!!
New Dawg Old Tricks
Nice spin on the Greg Hall OTC format. IT’S ON!
Chuck: BRILLIANT. Thanks!
Smartman is dead on the money Brandon
I like Greg Hall a lot and read his stuff, but who cares?
Anytime at all, you feel the need to quote and then re-quote, I would do it in a second.
Its a great vehicle and of course, imitation being the …blah, blah…. Greg should be cool with it.
If he’s not, who the fuck cares?
smartman
The Matt Millen quote killed me. 🙂
I picture him in a Groucho mustache and glasses, with a cigar in his hand.
🙂
I miss the old days
Great job Brandon.
But back when I was young, and dirt was new, you had to be lucky to get a gem like those you’ve given us. But it happened.
Bobby Douglas was such a poor driver when he was at KU, they had someone drive him around in his new Corvette. If you saw the car driving down Mass, all over the road, jumping curbs, etc, you knew Bobby was driving.
Following the Chiefs Super Bowl win KMBC brought in Len Dawson and Curtis McClinton to the sports department. We all know about Len but what happened to Curtis?
Curtis was doing weekend sports. A little rough but he looked promising. Then one Saturday night he had a golf story.
And there he met his Waterloo. An incident probably only a few saw or heard about at the time. But besides my Dad and me, there was someone who heard and remembered very well. And it turned up on national TV.
Some years later WKRP in Cincinnati was a hit TV show. One episode had the goofy weatherman Les Nesman doing sports. His report was about a golf tournament won by Chi Chi Rodriguez. And he mispronounce the name, just like Curtis had years earlier.
I don’t know whether KMVC bronzed that clip of Curtis or burned it but it was epic.
Great job!
Keep them coming like that, I will always read them. Now where is glaze to say that he was doing this 15 years ago, with all the best looking hos.
LL
I rate this LL.. “Lifeless Loser”
I dunno, sounds like maybe you spent a little too much time in front of a mirror
mirror says to mirror
or maybe too much time spent reading columns on KCC where you all use the terms “no life”, loser and “lifeless loser” waaaaay too often… here is an idea… maybe if you dont like the term, then maybe you and your people should not use iit so much.
@getnickwright (Nick Wright, KCSP 610)
Wow… what a crazy story. Thanks for sharing, Merle.
And yeah, I miss DA, too. I think he’s in Boston now? I’ve come across his radio show– wanna say it’s on late evening-ish– on a radio app that allows you to do that sort of thing.
My people, huh?