Tony: Groupon Gets (Somewhat) Intimate With Brazilian

 Like most things on the Internet,Groupon is a slightly ingenious idea surrounded mostly by a lot of hype.

However, a look at their latest offer reveals that the irrational exuberance of a somewhat decent online idea will at least improve the appearance of hairy, local ladies

Maybe that’s all the progress we deserve.

To wit, let’s go through this latest, slightly embarrassing advert line by line in order to see EXACTLY how local discounts online will keep local ladies looking good despite the fact that I thought they were talking about a bikini wax and not a somewhat controversial hair treatment.

The ad starts off simply enough with a (stat tracked) link to Arista Solutions. The JoCo business specializes in "the latest technology in Non-Surgical Hair Replacement, Hair Extensions and Salon Services" i.e. it’s a modern day beauty and wig shoppe.

But it’s the opening "Brazilian" line that set my imagination running wild.

At first glance, I thought a "Brazilian" off was simply a deal on an up close and personal bikini wax that left a lady with an ultra smooth landing track. I remember learning this while watching Sex In The City back in the day. Don’t front, everybody watched that show because it was really a character study using female characters as substitutes for dangerously promiscuous homosexual men.

I didn’t watch it regularly but it was kind of a "cultural competency requirement" for men who wanted to talk to dingbat single women not so long ago.

You know, in much the same way that parents must now understand just a little bit about vampires if they have any hope of talking to their chronically depressed emo kids.

 I digress, let’s get back to the first confusing line of the advert:

"Hair holds together a well-groomed appearance, which is why everyone respects the luxuriously coiffed lion, but is horrified by the naked mole rat"

But I read it too quickly and tthought it said: "Loin" and then the mole rat reference  threw me because I’ve never taken time to really understand the female anatomy. And since I only "work" with in the dark – and usually while both parties are intoxicated – obviously, I’m not a scientist in this area.

Anyhoo . . .

After a quick Google search I learned that "The BRAZILIAN BLOWOUT" is really just a chemical treatment. 

In fact, the process turns curly, frizzy (i.e. ethnic) hair into "a straight, sleek, sexy mane" that’s the commercial European-cenric corporate ideal for women. Sadly, all over the internet there’s chatter that the product featured in this process uses formaldehyde to accomplish this not-so-incredible feat.

Damn you Google.

Just when I thought I was going to be reading about vaginas, you go and educate me on the fact that local women are quite literally flirting with death in order to have commercially acceptable pubic hair.

In fairness, there is some evidence that the makers of "The Brazilian Blowout" treatment scaled back the toxicity of their product but a full ingredient list is not available for those rare, select few women who actually care what they’re putting close to their whatevers.

For some background on all the dangerous things that women do to themselves in their quest uphold  hegemony, take a look at a recent documentary from Chris Rock entitled "Good Hair" — A funny guide that offers a glimpse at the many ways women hate themselves with some insightful ethnographic insights into African-American hair culture as well.

So, just like the aftermath of any other purchase over the Internet. I feel cheated.

While I thought I was going to learn something about vagina maintenance, a Groupon offer only led me to another example of the fact that women hate themselves because of eons of male oppression. And we all suffer because this drama is played out in stereotypical entertainment options time and again. So, consider all of this the web 3.0 version of "male enhancement" products geared toward cheap women with low self-esteem.

Sadly, I’m pretty sure this is a huge market.