Tony: Be Careful of Kansas City Women In Costumes

Halloween is a perilous time in this cowtown.

We’re not like Detroit yet, and we don’t have to deal with Devil’s Night and a slew of arson. Vacant house throughout KC are still safe enough to continue blighting neighborhoods and fostering crime for years to come.

However, Kansas City has a horrible habit of using this holiday based on disguise to completely lose control. Not only in terms of personal responsibility, but also when it comes to politics.

I’ve garnered just a few examples of this cowtown’s Halloween craziness that speak to how screwed up Kansas City seems during this start of the holiday season.

Here are the Top 5 Kansas City Halloween Party-Going Dangers:

1. Beware of women in costumes. Seriously. I once thought there was some rhyme or reason to it all. Nurses were nice. French maids were helpful. Chicks in kitty costumes were wily. NO. A woman in a Halloween costume is demonstrating nothing more than the fact that she is skilled at deception. Yes, even if she wears the “sexy angel” outfit. I should have known this long ago after a “Tinkerbell” let me do horrible (consensual) things to her and then wasn’t nearly as devoted as the lovable Disney character during my Peter Pan phase. Which I hope, by the way, to extend into my late 70’s. But I’m smarter now and I know that a lady in a sexy costume on Halloween might seem fun and whimsical, but sooner or later the costume has to come off and, most likely, there will be someone inside there who hates her real life.

2. Don’t drive drunk on Halloween. It’s simple. The police know people like to use this night as a drunken dress up orgy so it’s best to take a cab or make the fat friend risk her license. In the end, the obese companion of a hot chick would do better just walking to the fast food destination of their choice. All over there are checkpoints and cops out in full force. Count this as a warning.

3. Remember that Politicos wear their costume all year long. During this Great Recession and prolonged wartime Kansas City and every other place in the U.S. has learned to distrust politicians. While this fact should empower neighborhood and community activists, what it really has done is disengage the public. In turn, this causes a new round of neophyte political people to creep up, think they’ve rediscovered the wheel and recruit the next class of political ghouls that will only result in continued disappointment.

4. Wear a condom. Think of it as a mask for Mr. Happy. The scarlet rash of “the herps” (or worse) tends to justifiably scare people off. Promiscuity is a fact of life and just a modicum of protection might help Halloween partygoers live to regret their mistakes.

5. The Kansas City Nice Guy Routine is one of the most lame acts for local dudes. I’ll revisit this subject later, but I don’t think it’s completely fair to single out the ladies when it comes to Halloween deception. The Kansas City Nice Guy Routine is a really lame way to pick up women and it involves the illusion of forthrightness, over-sharing, the trendiest alt. music and maybe clothes from Abercombie & Fitch. Basically, it’s a time tested tradition of talking the pants of some unsuspecting woman while having her mistakenly believe that she’s dealing with a really nice guy. Get it straight, there are no good people in random hookups. Just a bunch of lonely Halloween partiers and folks wearing one of their many costumes.