Paul Wilson: Weak in Review October 11, 2013

IOWA – Infants Out Wandering

Oh man, how long has it been since we had a really great “wandering kid” story? Fear not, today I’ve got a double header for you.

Officers were trying to locate the parents of four children found alone in two separate locations in our fair city. The first child was found near 40th and Mill Street in Westport late Thursday morning in a diaper running across six lanes of the Southwest Trafficway!

Mom was found just after noon and the Cops have a couple of questions for her.

Then, over at 76^th and Monroe, just before lunch Thursday, they found another one. When authorities figured out where the little bugger lived, there were two infant twins inside the house alone and Mom said she’d only been gone about 20 minutes.

Ariel Castro; Ladies Man with NO Ladies

Our old friend Ariel keeps on giving, even in death. If you recall, he’s the guy who liked to have a few girls over to the bachelor pad for a decade or two. Remember, he killed himself and I said there would be more to the story?

Dude clearly should have pled “insanity” because he’s just crazy about that stuff.

They kept it under wraps until today, but crack Cleveland investigators have taken the following facts and come to a conclusion. I’ll turn it over to the KCC readers for an at home, TV game show version of “NCIS Cleveland.”

Here are your clues.

• Castro left no suicide note
• “Multiple levels of assessment” did not find any tendencies toward suicide. A comprehensive mental health evaluation found “no evidence of serious mental illness or indications that suicide precautions” were needed
• Castro’s pants and underwear were pulled down to his ankles when he was found
• And he had an autographed picture of INXS’s Michael Hutchence on his cell wall. (OK, I made that last one up)

Solve it yet?

Those facts were forwarded to the state highway patrol “for consideration of the possibility of auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

Too bad, I was hoping one of the guards did it.

Craig Glazer; More Prolific than James Bond

James Bond slept with 44 women, on screen, since the first Bond flick in 1962. That’s hardly a good month for The Scribe.

Gratuitous Sports Fact for You Manly Men

Peyton Manning made 13 times what President Obama did last year and sat out the entire season. Maybe we should have negotiated the same deal with Obama.

Yale University’s Dirty Laundry

Yale hopes to solve the case of who’s been soiling students’ laundry by sticking human feces inside clothes dryers. Yale police have dubbed their unsub the “poopetrator” and he’s being blamed for at least four incidents in the past month.

Lucy Fleming was one of the first victims. She opened a dryer in the Yale laundry room and found her clothes soiled by human feces. Someone also urinated on them. She tried to rewash them, but they were ruined.

“I simultaneously wanted to throw up, cry and punch someone,” Fleming told the Daily News.

Hey, Lucy, come to Kansas City’s Country Club Plaza this Saturday night for WaterFire. We’re going to light our human feces on fire and float it down Brush Creek!